Depressed doesn’t sit well with my temperament, but that’s where I found myself early this last week.   Sadness I’ve grown accustomed to, but this was been different.  I’ve taken to handwriting in an old journal to plumb the depths for understanding.  It’s more “organic” then typing.  Re-reading early journals, I’m sometimes surprised by insights that at the time seemed more like ramblings. 

Monday night we were invited to join Mike & Mary at another family’s home for football.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but ended up having a really nice time with a very warm & open group of people.  The host, David, has 4 sons, 2 of whom were students of Mr. Spear.   What great kids.  One of them, Michael, was especially friendly to Gavin and at one point I looked over to see him relaxed & laughing within the group. 

It’s an unusual feeling to have to make such an effort to take action, any action, to try to shake off that weighted feeling.  Tuesday was too beautiful to not make something of it, so I rode my mtn bike to the pool for laps.  An outdoor shower in direct sun light, one of my favorite delights, seemed to wash away some of the gloom.  Riding back up La Pata, I turned into the business park to visit Fred at his shop, (giving my legs a little break!).  He is such a strong link to Jeff I always feel more grounded after our conversations.

Making music put me in a better state of mind, too.  I had been listening to a lovely Foo Fighters song, Virginia Moon, so I pulled up the chords and worked on the progressions until I could play & sing along decently.  Felt so pleased with myself I did the same with a favorite mellow Collective Soul tune.  Something about the string arrangement resonated with my mood.  It’s a much less complicated song so I worked on it on the guitar and that really makes me have to concentrate.  It felt good to sharpen my skills and make my mind work, giving the burdened part of my heart a rest. 

Thursday I stopped in at Gina Cousineau’s 1^st annual Spear-It donor drive @ SCHS.  It was moving to see all the kids giving something lifesaving of themselves.  Lucky me, my timing was such that I crossed paths with Cathy there.  As always, ever supportive.   I talked to Gina for a bit about Gary’s Place, a grief counseling group for kids and adults.  I’m planning on checking it out Monday evening.  They do art projects with the kids while the adults interact.  I think we all could benefit from being with others in a similar situation.  Be interesting to see how Gavin responds to the idea.

The yard sale this morning was a success.  The best part was getting to hang out with Dana, Christine & Colleen.  Dana is raising funds for the 3 day Komen walk so the Spear family proceeds went towards her goal and I cleared out lots of unnecessary stuff.  Winner winner chicken dinner!

Looking forward to tomorrow morning; more football and good company.  Moving further away from the low of earlier in the week.  Heard direction in a Jason Mraz song…”If it’s a broken heart, face it….” So that’s what I’m going to do – with a little help from my friends….

Lovin’ You,

+ 365 days.  The only way I made it this far is because so many have allowed me to share my load, have actively carried me along with the strength of their love. 

  With Friday marking the anniversary of Jeff’s passing, my strategy was to allocate alone time to reflect on the past year/18 months.  The kids were covered so I had the opportunity to surrender to the emotions during a long walk on the beach.  Heading North from North beach at low tide on a deserted stretch of sand on a stunning day I found the solitude I sought.  So many images, memories of carefree times to sift through.  Meandering through the span of time, 17 years, before we had kids, and then up to the present.   Both of us coming from “broken” homes without role models, I never cease to be amazed at our good fortune to have enjoyed such a fulfilling, stable relationship.   So those were my musings Friday.  Easing me through the day were calls & messages from friends & family.  So empathetic.  A card from Marina opened to Bill Withers singing Lean on Me.  Couldn’t have been more appropriate.  

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Everyone’s effort to reach out/check in was hugely influential on my ability to cope with the day.  Thank you all.  Never underestimate the transformative power of the moments it takes to let someone know you’re thinking of them!

Friday afternoon “Grandma Lulu & Duke,” Janell’s parents, dropped by with candy for the kids. When I told Linda about Kylee’s wedding dress and the idea to have her carry a bouquet, she offered her rose garden.  Saturday morning we went over for muffins and roses.  The girls had a good time trimming masses of white flowers.  We saved 3 bags of blossoms to take on the boat Sunday and made a lovely bridal bouquet.  Kylee was beyond adorable as a bride, but was overwhelmed with all the kids at the neighborhood parade, complaining the neck itched, and asking to change into her “rockstar” outfit.  I don’t even think I got a picture of her!

I rode my bike over to Gavin’s friend, Alec’s house Friday late afternoon to bring him home.  When I came back outside, there was Alec’s dad, Eric, cleaning & oiling up my chain!  It was so rusted I had been searching for info on line on how to address it.  I can’t tell you how a simple gesture like that made me feel so looked after.  Falling asleep that evening I thought about the wonderful families that have been helping raise our kids these last few years with a deeply grateful heart.

Sunday couldn’t have been a nicer day.  Perfect conditions to motor down to Trail 3.  The leis I ordered from Hawaii had the frig smelling divine, and were just right for the occasion.  Fred anchored in 9’ of water just off Trail 3.  We were joined by 2 other boats loaded with friends, and a land contingent.  Once everyone paddled out Hurly led the ceremony by reading a poem written by one of Jeff’s students.  She had sent it to me just this week and it was perfect.  Christina wrote, “this isn’t really a poem, but it helps me to feel Mr. Spear”

You kindled in me a desire to dream,
To let life embolden me “like a mighty stream.”
You mesmerized me with your empathy and your capacity to see,
You like to drink beer, kick it up to the next gear, go surfing North side of the pier.
I really, really miss you, my pal Mr. Spear. 
I want to be like you someday,
Especially because you could not stay.

I read ee cummings “I carry your heart with me”

Jud held the container of Jeff’s ashes aloft and then gently released it into the ocean.  The kids sprinkled little sachets of Jeff’s ashes into the water off the boat, Fred said a few words, and then we all threw our flowers into the water.  We could hear Duncan playing Amazing Grace on his bagpipes from shore.  Hurly poured a can of Coors Light into the water and things got a little more light-hearted.  Fred jumped in, and then I did to, swimming over to the boat with Hurly & Dana, Cathy & Roger, Janell, & the Hoyes for hugs and kisses.  Yes, the water was cold, but it felt good.  The kids had their life jackets on and took turns getting rides on a SUP board.  I’m so glad I brought towels & their suits at the last minute.

I was blown away by the people that showed up, and paddled out.  Friends of Jeff’s from so many worlds; surfing, hiking, cycling, cross country runners, SCHS.  He would have been stoked.

When we returned to the harbor our “extended” family, 14 strong, went to lunch at RJ’s so I got to give Marina a big hug for the card and tell her how much it meant to me.

Beth took lots of pictures that I will get around to posting soon.

Sunday evening I noticed a more peaceful feeling, more settled somehow.  I hope the kids did, too.  Having gone through the process of saying another good-bye and feeling he’s where he loved to be.  I heard these sentiments from others who attended the ceremony.   By yesterday I was coming down off the high Sunday’s ceremony bestowed.   

Now I’m glad today is almost over.  I had to drive out to Palm Springs & back for work, and you know how I don’t like long stretches of driving where my mind can wander!

  Tomorrow is another fresh start, another opportunity to sync with the natural cycles of life.

“In Chinese medicine, Fall represents a return to the roots, a time of restoring.  It isn’t a time of growth, but of consolidation.  It’s when we replenish ourselves for the following Spring.”

Now that another milestone has passed it seems appropriate timing with the season to hunker down before the holidays. Twice a week, driving the kids to gymnastics I soak in the beauty of all the gorgeous liquid amber tree’s fall foliage in RSC business park and feel like a dial is being turned down with the quality of light changing & softening after the brightness of summer.

I hope you are able to savor some quiet stillness & replenish yourself in preparation for the demands of the holiday season.

Much Love,

Ruthe

I couldn’t have hoped for a more successful dinner party Saturday night.  But first I noticed back on the 20^th I was wishing for a restful night for me & Kylee.  Who was I kidding!  It turned into an acute asthma attack, the stomach flu or post nasal drip complications or who knows what, I lost count after 5 the number of times I got up with a fresh towel.  I couldn’t seem to get enough asthma meds in her to ease her labored breathing, either.  It’s scary @ 2am when you’re wondering if it’s ER time.

My best laid work plans for Wed were not to be. Fortunately I have an understanding, supportive & competent boss that stepped in to cover my appointments so I could get Kylee into the Dr first thing.  2 ½ hrs at the Dr, breathing treatment, a detailed consultation on plan to manage her asthma, two blood draws to test for allergens, (first one her little vein wouldn’t give it up so she got a stick in the other arm!), and a boat load of prescriptions later I was sooooo ready for a nap!  Torrey & Gavin had their respective birthday parties to go to after school so I got caught up on work, as Kylee finally rested breathing easier.  The timing of this flare-up is eerie, as it was also a year ago this week she was first diagnosed with asthma, Jeff’s last week of life.

So there I was, going into the weekend pretty fried, wrung out thinking about the ashes ceremony, and I have Cathy & Roger, and Mary & Mike coming over for dinner Sat.  I wasn’t sure where I was going to come up with the energy.  The Lees coming over with dinner Friday night really helped prop me up, (did I mention Gavin had 2 buddies stay the night – what was I thinking), and once I started preparations Saturday I got excited about the company.  Just the thought of some quality time with Cathy brought a smile to my face.  I spent way too much time searching through old boxes looking for Jeff’s grandmother’s cool china, but it was sooo worth it when the table was full of good food and beauty.  Plus, I found other neat stuff I had forgotten had been packed away.

My best of intentions were to introduce the kids to Mary & Mike so when we went over to their house to watch football, they would feel more comfortable with them.   Little did I know how well they would hit it off.  Mike disappeared out onto the trampoline with the girls, while Gavin created a creature on Xbox to show everyone.  Mary was so attentive to him, asking him lots of leading questions.   My joy was sitting back and watching them indulge our children with their interest, and seeing the kids respond so readily to them.  Such a wonderful evening! Far exceeded any hopes I hesitantly harbored.

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”  

Sunday morning we hit Wal-mart for mattress & pillow barrier covers since Kylee’s blood test results came back off the charts for allergy to dust mites, (I’m just so relieved it wasn’t pollen), breezed through the Halloween carnival in the parking lot, and over to Pirate park where friends were getting together with other Las Palmas families.  It was nice to sit down and chat while the kids wore themselves out.  Fortunately we were back home when Mike showed up with a HEPA air filter!  Their kids also had the allergy/asthma combo when they were younger.  He made quick work of what would have been a big job for me, muscling all 4 of their mattresses around to cover them, while having the girls breathless from giggling. 

The rest of this week is going to be demanding, between the preparations for Halloween and Jeff’s ceremony, the juxtaposition of fun and heavy heartedness, (and let’s not forget the stressfulness of getting 3 kids costume expectations met!).   I better tuck in for some much needed beauty rest!

Blessings,

Ruthe

Hi All,

Quick update on Jeff’s ceremony next Sunday.  We plan to arrive outside the Trail 3 line up around 9:30.  There are others that are unable to paddle out, so if anyone has a boat they would be willing to motor down with some friends, let me know and we’ll co-ordinate.

If anyone doesn’t know where Trail 3 is, you go South on 5 to exit Basilone.  Turn right, drive past power plant and enter the State Park.  Day use fee is $10 or $13, so carpooling will help with parking, too.  Keep a lookout for little brown trail number signs.  We hope to have a sign there.

Bring flowers you would like to have paddled out.  When everyone is out in the water we will say a few words, (hope to have printed version to hand out to beach participants), play a song, and toss the flowers & a biodegradable urn into the water, where it will float, and then sink as it releases his ashes.  I think the “blowing in the wind” approach is a little much for me and for the kids.  Maybe I have a little sachet of ashes for them to scatter, still thinking about that one.  It’s going to be extremely sad to say this final good-bye, but it’s what Jeff wanted and I think he would appreciate a lot of hoots to celebrate his life, and make it more uplifting for the kids.

Someone on the beach can lead a prayer if it feels right.  Then I hope the paddlers celebrate Jeff’s essence by catching a great wave in.  We’re going to return to the harbor and chill.  No after ceremony get together planned at this point.

So this is how it’s unfolding.  Stay tuned.  Have already heard back from some on my facebook posting and I can’t tell you how good it felt to have that support.  I think people want to go through the process this tradition offers as a way of healing, too.  And then when they are back down @ Trail 3 or feel a need to be closer to Jeff’s spirit, they can visit and remember his send off.

All my love,

Ruthe

“There’s a time, and the time is now, & it’s right for me…”

I can barely bear to think about saying a final good-bye and releasing Jeff’s ashes into the ocean, as he wanted.  Not only the finality of it, but the practical; it’s him.  This summer I couldn’t muster the emotional energy to go back into the pain when we were so focused on making the best of times memories after the last 2 summers.  But as the seasons change and we come up on the year anniversary, it feels right to cross this bridge, and I feel strong enough to take the step.  In a way I’m glad we waited so I’m more “present” for the event instead of in a numb surreal state of mind like the first few days, weeks & months.

I asked Fred is he would want to take us in his boat to Trail 3 and didn’t even finish my sentence before he turned to his calendar to check the date.  As we drove away after making the arrangements Kylee said she was thinking she wanted “to throw a necklace of Hawaiian flowers in the ocean with Dad’s ashes.” 

Here’s the message Hurly sent out to SCHS staff: 

Hard to believe we are approaching the one year mark that our friend Jeff Spear passed away.  I’m sure I can speak for all of us when I say there has not been a day gone by since when we have not had a memory or a quick passing thought about him.  For me, it is every morning when my alarm goes off and I realize how lucky I am to be able to get up, put two feet on the ground and do what I love to do, just like Jeff did.

Ruthe has decided it is time to spread some “In-SPEAR-ation” in the form of his ashes at his beloved Trail 3 at San Onofre.  There will be a private boat w/ Ruthe and kids pulling up as close to the shore as possible.  You may paddle out, swim out or just hang on the beach and love up on someone we will never forget.

Save the Date, Sunday Nov. 1^st.  Time is TBA.

Everyone is welcome to join us.  I think there will be a group on the beach, and some who will paddle out past the line up to meet up with us for the short ceremony.  Check back in as the date approaches for details on the time.  Let me know if you plan on coming so we have enough leis.  It will probably be in the mid-morning.

Other news I can't remember if I shared - Gavin earned the Character Counts  award for Responsibility.  Fitting.
His Red Ribbon classroom door came out great.  The kids loved it.  I'll try to get a picture to post.  It's been so long since I've updated the photos!!!  Whenever I log out I wish I had a little more time to devote to upgrading our website with all the options available like adding video, music, wallpaper, etc, but it never moves up on the priority list.

What has moved to the top of the list is getting Kylee back in front of her Dr to get a grip on her asthma/allergies situation.  Her mild cold turned into an acute attack today and I'm stressing on her distress.  Now that I have some concentration and focus available I've been reading up on managing asthma and am more then a little freaked out about what I should be doing differently.  I have a feeling the carpet in their rooms is not long for the world, for one thing.

Well, long work day tomorrow.  Both Gavin & the girls have birthday parties to go to after school that parents are taking them to.  Nothing like Scooters Jungle & Jumpin' Jammin' mid week!  I hope Kylee is up for it.  I'm going to go check on her now...

the other night Gavin stayed at Ian's for a birthday slumber party and I let the girls "camp out" onthe floor in our room.  I woke in the middle of the night and began the usual worrying.  Then I heard Kris' voice in my head reminding me to be in the "now," so I turned my attention to the sound of the girls peaceful breathing and how soft the sheets felt. 

Empty hangers.

Surfed today.

Two diametrically opposed weights on the emotional scale. 

My healing heart was ripped asunder last week attending the funeral of my assistant’s husband, Johnny.  I called Joan the morning of the service to see how she was doing, knowing all too well what she was feeling.  Later she told me it really helped her get a grip to face the day.  Hearing that brought me further away from my own suffering.  I’ve never been to service where the mourners were asked to sing all 5 verses us Amazing Grace!  I barely made it through the first 4 syllables!     

On the other end of the spectrum was the warmth of family & Kris over for dinner and some singing.  Cathy popped in for a visit last week, too.  When Gavin heard she was on her way he whooped a little “yea!”  We hadn’t seen each other for a while and after she left I realized with chagrin I had run roughshod over our “conversation.”  Fortunately for me she is one of those special kind of friends that understands where I’m coming from, and kindly accepts my mania.

Part of my coping mechanism this month as the anniversary of Jeff’s death nears is to immerse myself in distracting, creative projects.  Keeping my mind engaged  and absorbed has helped me stay away from the ever present darkness waiting to engulf me if I let my guard down.   That place you go when you’re accessing the creative part of your mind is such a calming, focused, happy location!  The first thing I’ve been having way too much fun with is the execution of my Red Ribbon Door Decorating idea for Gavin’s classroom.  The theme is Think B4 U Choose.  As soon as I committed to do it I called Beth for her ideas and once the ball started rolling it gathered speed.  There isn’t a happier camper then me with a glue gun and a concept.  I ran it by Gavin to make sure it would make sense to 4^th graders and he gave it the thumbs up.  Besides figuring out the details, like how to execute a 3D brain, the other fun part was laying out the door on the garage floor to see how much room there would be to format it, and not have any surprises when we go to put it up.  It probably goes back to happy memories sewing with my mom;  getting “lost” in the process of cutting out the tissue thin pattern pieces, figuring out how to lay them out on the fabric, pinning & cutting, and then the actual assembly.  The meditative aspect that puts everything else out of your mind is what I needed.

One thought that has entered my mind and I’m acting on with gusto, is to make up for last Thanksgiving.  It was so dismal, with Ann & her family’s visit the only thing that saved it from being downright awful.  So this year I’m emphasizing the celebratory element by bring out mom’s beautiful china & crystal, vintage Irish linens, and setting a lovely table to savor the warm company of loved ones.  I hope to build a memory and establish a ritual that says it’s important to make the extra effort.  And bring more beauty and tradition into our lives.  Our family lived in Japan for 2 years, from when I was 9 months old, and brought back the china.  I feel like it will strengthen our ties to the past and set a path into the future.

Kylee is trying her darndest to stay connected with the past; her most important missing part of the present.  While Gavin & I were in SF, Mrs Martz took the girls to Fired Up.  Kylee proudly gave me a heart shaped jewelry box with Mommy painted on the front, and I Love You on the inside.  I told her we needed to put something very precious in this special box.  She returned with Jeff’s wedding ring.  How do you not burst into tears at the innocent love in her little heart.   

The box of empty hangers screams at me of the space that was once full of life.  I’m waiting for the right time to show the kids the 2 shirts Jeff was wearing when they were born.  Gavin’s footprints are on an SCHS X-Country t-shirt, and the girls are on surgical scrubs.  The feet are so tiny!  Time flies!  Sometimes it plummets and sometimes it soars!

This afternoon I was wondering why my arms felt so heavy and I was dragging around and then I realized it was because I went surfing today!  I only caught one wave, but just being out there with friends was cool, (Jeff worked night crew for 10 years with Mel and his whole Wedge Crew came down to San O).  I don’t know them well but they are all authentic people with lots of kids the girls had a great time playing with.  I got to relax while they cavorted.  I wouldn’t have paddled out if not that everyone else was.  Conditions were bumpy and windy, but the water was warm and it felt soooo go to be out there.  Gavin was at Legoland with Alec.  It was like a gift to be surfing on a Sunday in Oct.  Right before we left the tide was really low, creating a flat sand bar covered with inches of water. I took the girls out there and we gleefully ran a few laps around.  They were tired this evening, too, but with smiles on their faces and light hearts.  I can’t ask for more.

Lights out time – another busy week ahead, (when are they not busy? Homework alone compresses the available time).  Next Sat dinner party I’m really looking forward to I’ll tell you about later!

Asta,

Ruthe

Flight to San Francisco, hotel, rental car, meals, etc: $$$$

Gavin reaching for my hand and holding it as we walked on the Golden Gate bridge: Priceless

I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.   It was a satisfying, whirlwind weekend.  We flew into Oakland and took BART into the city, checked into our hotel and took the trolley to Fisherman’s Wharf with the intention of touring Alcatraz.  Sold out.  Plan B worked out even better.  We got on a harbor cruise that took us under the bridge and around Alcatraz.  It looked like a creepy ghost town and I think both of us were relieved we didn’t get any closer.  Clam chowder in a bread bowl for dinner, and early to bed Friday evening in anticipation of a long Sat.  Picked up the rental car and headed out to Monterey Bay Aquarium.  It was the most picturesque day.  Gavin was enthralled.  I was born at Ford Ord so there was a little weird feeling driving through the town thinking of my parents living in the area those oh so many years ago!

On the way back to the city we drove over the Golden Gate Bridge, parked on the other side and walked back on to the bridge.  It was windy, so Gavin took my hand and held tight.  Probably the highlight of the trip for me.  As we were leaving the vista point I spontaneously decided to drop down into Sausalito for dinner.   Gavin said the town looked like home!  We ended up at a cozy, funky & delicious Mexican food place.   Very relaxing after the hub-bub of the city.   Driving back over into the city at night with the full moon overhead was classic.  Sunday morning we caught a bus to the Exploratorium for a few hours.  Good thing we got to the airport early & confirmed our reservation.  People arriving after us were bumped from the over-booked flight.  (It was the Berkeley vs USC game weekend.  Hurley warned us the town would be a madhouse, and he was right.  Our hotel was filled with pretty young co-eds, frat guys, and the older generations of alumni.  We even got to see the USC marching band in Union Square Friday night on the way back from Fisherman’s).

Home by 7:30. Kylee was overjoyed to see us, Torrey blasé’ but later very cuddly.  They had their own wonderful weekend with Mrs Martz.   

  Today I went for a much needed bike ride to the water tower, after Kylee’s morning meltdown.  Jeff was always the one to divert and remedy a foul mooded child, and I don’t have that same knack, so I really miss his balance when things go south in the morning.  I’ve been slowly packing away some of his nicer shirts & cycling jerseys, (for Gavin someday, I hope), so I put on his long sleeve mtn bike jersey and noticed how the material was faded on the lower arms from many wearings of a short sleeve over it.  Just thinking my skin was touching where his skin had touched made me feel better, and at the same time worse.  It’s tough work touching his clothes, so imbued with memories and the power of his personality they are.  In this last year I have found myself at very low moments just sitting in our closet, staring at his shirts, & occasionally hugging them close to me.  Sounds sad, and it is, but something elemental about wanting to be closer to him.  Now they are starting to smell dusty, a message of time passed since he’s been gone.

On to more festive thoughts.  Kids are excited at the prospect of decorating for Halloween.  They asked if Graham was coming over to help, like last year.  Sorry, he's at Harvard, kids!  Searching for costume ideas.  Torrey wants to be a vampire - easy. Kylee, a bride - hmmmm, and Gavin has no ideas besides an action figure from Halo - not going to happen.  I'm going to suprise them with a spiderweb cape worn over an old long black dress, and Torrey's witch hat from last year, maybe paint my face green.  Anything to make it more fun for all.

With a long, busy day tomorrow, I better get rested...

Ruthe

Sunday afternoon, “enough” accomplished to sit down for a sec and catch up. 

Going back to where I left off…Watching Coop’s band play, the novelty of being out at night, and with great girlfriends, moved me in the direction of celebration planning.  1/7/2010 is my Big 5-0, Beth’s  soon after, and then comes Kris’s.  It occurred to me we need to mark this milestone in a large way, to include Coop’s band rockin’ the room.  Now I need to figure out the venue, (OC Tavern? Irons in the Fire?  Suggestions anyone?).  Must have dance floor!!!!  Nothing like an intimate relationship with mortality to intensify my appreciation of another birthday!!!!

Also along the lines of Carpe Diem, I booked a long weekend with Gavin to San Francisco.  The girl’s kindergarten teacher, Mrs Martz, will be staying at our house with them.  When I managed Ghirardelli I attended an annual business meeting in SF and Gavin was always asking me when he would get to go.  Now, I say, now is the time.  I want to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge with him and feel his excitement.  BART, cable cars, Alcatraz, Clam Chowder in a bowl at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Science Museum, & a trip down the coast to Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Pack it all in.

I’m pretty excited about our adventure, too, spending some of today cruising the net for good restaurant ideas, etc., while trying not to worry too much about Gavin not feeling well.  Probably keeping him home from school tomorrow to give him a chance to get back on his feet.  Saturday morning he came home from Alec’s and went right back to bed, sleeping most of the day away.  Same with today.  2 days of fever.  At least the stomach’s not involved.  I’m using hand sanitizer every time I get near him!  I joked with him that I was the one who should have felt bad Sat, considering the margaritas I drank Friday night.  When we went to pick up Gavin from Alec’s, their neighborhood TGIF was in full swing.  Good mix of friendly adults, masses of kids having a blast in the park next door.  It was a really fun time for all, and a chance for me to unwind!  Alec’s parents, Meg & Eric, are just the best people, easy to be with, and lots of laughs.

Other notable is kids starting gymnastics classes last week.  When Gavin’s class was over he HAD to call Alec immediately to tell him, “it was so dang fun!”  The girls had a great time in their class, too, and I got to talk to a Lobo mom, Stacey, while watching them. 

One other highlight, new music on my iPod, thanks to my boss, Jeff.  I put it on shuffle on the way home from work and was blown away by an exquisite song from Eva Cassidy, “Oh, Had I A Golden Thread”. Sounds like a Spiritual, with a lovely message.  Very moving.

Autumn began on Tuesday, with Oct here at the end of the week.  Coming up on the anniversary of Jeff’s passing.  I’m unsure how to commemorate it.  I’ve been thinking about the scattering of Jeff’s ashes at Trail 3 recently, especially with the beautiful, hot weather.  Coincidently, (or is it), the girls brought it up, too, and expressed their strong desire to be there.  In my mind I was imagining it being a solitary experience for the final good-bye, but part of me felt like it’s an important experience the kids could also benefit from.  Another way of letting him go, and gaining a sense of closure by knowing part of him is at peace in the ocean he loved so much.  Then it will mean more to them when they “visit” him there.   Just thinking about it takes me in a painful direction, so I better get back to the daily practicalities now, and save this avenue of thought for a different drive.

With Love,

Ruthe

Ah, the subtle changes in the quality of light signals an end to the blazing hot days.  A mellow breeze invites contemplation after the hustle bustle leading up to back to school.  I love transitions for the opportunity to shed the old to make room for the new.

Haven’t had the focus to write lately  as I’ve been so strung out in a state of highest anxiety, awaiting test results,  (new Dr recommended a PET/CT scan, Mamo tech wanted to take extra pictures),  existing on auto-pilot getting through work demands, Gavin’s birthday celebrations, the holiday weekend, back to school, all the while fighting to stay in the now, so much energy channeled into reining in my mind & emotions .  Talks with Richard, and closest friends sustained me.   By Wed I was in a place where I was ready to get the results whatever they were.  Finally, FINALLY, after too many dips and peaks on the rollercoaster, got definitive A-OK Friday morning.   Cathy S sat through appt with me, holding my hand emotionally and physically.  There just aren’t words to describe the value of her friendship. 

Kids must have felt the palpable relief as mom’s patience well filled back up with fresh cool water from life’s spring.  I look around and think, “where was I before everything was put on hold?”  It’s unbelievably great to be able to move forward again.  Couldn’t have made it through the latest without the calls and messages.

Anyway, speaking of messages, one came across facebook yesterday that brought the hairs up on my skin.  Just last week I had put aside a little notebook journal from ’77 for Kris to read and have a laugh.  In it I mentioned wanting to meet, and then meeting, an intriguing new girl at school.  She came into and then out of our lives in El Toro, and then Laguna, and then was gone, like a sparkly comet  wowing all who experienced it.  So here’s a message from a name I don’t recognize, asking if I’m the piano player from El Toro High School, with the friend Kris, and do I remember her, giving the name we knew her by.

Who doesn’t believe people come into our lives for a reason or purpose?  I don’t yet know what that reason is, but spent last night enjoying going back and forth catching up.  Her life unfolded much as I would expect a new-age alternative thinking beautiful person would.  In a way it illuminated a path my own could have taken with a fork in the road back then – like if I had stayed in Oregon before I met Jeff.  She ended up living outside Eugene, too, but stayed.  Anyway, very interesting. 

This morning Jeff’s Uncle Bill & Shirley visited from Lompoc and took us out to breakfast at RJ’s.  Marina was working so very nice to see her lovely smile.  We weren’t the only ones in the mood for good food -  ran into Stevie & his wife, (his older brother, Fred, spoke at Jeff’s service as the longtime friend he is), Susan – a student ‘s mom that helped me so much organizing Jeff’s test results and calming me at a Starbucks back in May 08, Lisa (& Ken), science teacher at SCHS, friend, and uber-cool lady.  Delicious food, delightful connections.

In an understandably celebratory mood, Kris, Lisa, and who knows who else, are going out tonight to see Coop’s band in Ladera @ Ranch Grill.

I better get on with weekend “stuff,” but can’t close without sending special thanks to everyone who was part of Gavin’s birthday celebration in one way or another.  The friends and family that made him feel special & loved were his greatest gifts. Honorable mention to Jeffrey & Roger, for knowing how to fire up the Xbox!!!!! It’s impossible for me to overstate the importance of the continuity, of the people he knows, respects & loves, showing their regard for him by taking the time to recognize & celebrate his birthday. Goes unsaid that nothing can ever take the place of having Jeff here, but we have experienced the very next best thing!  Thank You, thank you, thank you for bringing Jeff into Gavin’s day by honoring them both with your time

Joyous,
Ruthe

Here’s how I’ve been feeling closer to Jeff lately; listening to his iPod playlists.  Not only are they a very personal reflection of his eclectic taste in music, they also hark back to happier times with the playlists, i.e.Poker Night.  I think of the fun he had while this music played in the background & his pleasure selecting the songs & order.  I find myself surprised at some of his choices.  I may have mentioned this before, but one of the first indications that we could be a good match was when I went over to his house to pick him up for our first “date.” surfing San O, and perused his extensive record collection.  It gave me insight into a part of him that may have taken longer to unfold in the natural course of a relationship.  Anyway, I finally got the right connector to play his iPod in the car, and it’s like he is there with us as we listen to what he created.  Kids current favorite is Hocus Pocus by Focus, for the yodeling – plus it rocks!

Going through his playlists, I inadvertently selected one of his beloved sports podcasts.  I couldn’t turn it off fast enough.  It reminded me too much of when he was in the hospital and wanted to listen to them and we couldn’t figure out how to refresh them.  It was something I couldn’t do for him and I felt so bad that I couldn’t provide this small but important pleasure for him.   For as long as I’ve known him he listened to sports radio to lull him to sleep.

So many little, (and big things), to let go of and not hold myself in failure.  Been reading here and there about the need to forgive to move forward.  Regrets are unproductive and only eat away at the present that really needs to be about appreciating the moment, not languishing in the unchangeable past.  I think I have learned the lessons from my mistakes.  The common thread is living empathetically, unselfishly, and always giving love.  I find myself chanting a refrain before bed to guide my next day’s actions in the attempt to be a better mom; gentle patience.  (Hey, Ah Ha moment, maybe I should apply this advice to treat myself thusly!)

From Osark Mountain Daredevils, It’ll Shine When It Shines…

“But like my Mama said.
You only live till you’re dead.
So you got to give and give and give.

…..

Like my Daddy said.
It's in your heart not your head.
So you've got to sing and sing and sing”

It’s a really sweet & simple song that captures those life truths.

As Gavin’s birthday approaches, (next Wed 2^nd), I find myself feeling the dad-factor absence.  Gavin used my grocery shopping list as a template to list all the Godzilla stuff he wants for his birthday, as well as where to purchase said items.  He checked off the 2 items he already got from best buddy, Alec.  I’m putting the list away in the archives, it’s so sweet.  He’s also been wanting to trade in the Wii for an Xbox 360, so we’ve been “in negotiations” for how this can happen.  I thought he would get a lot more long term fun out of an Xbox versus a bunch of Godzilla dust collectors, I mean, action figures.  So, we working through the financials of what he has to kick in, while I’m researching on line, and learning more then I really care to know about wireless connectivity and IPS addresses, etc.  This is really dad territory, but I figured I could arm myself with enough info to pull it off.  Normally, I would just call my brother, Rich in to the rescue, but the Lee’s are on a 2 wk road trip.  It’s too big of a decision with too many unknowns for me to pull the trigger on by Wed so now I’m back to the Godzilla list!!!  Can you say “over-night shipping?”

So this birthday situation brought back to the forefront the gap in our family that I try to fill by whatever means.  It’s a stresser, without Jeff to share in the process.  After the kids were tucked in, I sat on the front porch and let the pressure release into the warm, quiet night.

I’m taking Wed off from work.  The girls will be at Early E, so Gavin & I are going to Wild Rivers.  We all went last week, with around 9 neighborhood families, ran into the Levine’s there, (from the Lake trip), and Greg Y & family, too!  A great day, (except for the part spent looking for Torrey as she went off on her own adventure), but I only got to go on one fun ride with Gavin, so his birthday will be fun times!

Let’s see, what else…

Dearest friends, Cathy & Roger came over last weekend, right after I bought a coat rack to mount in the kitchen area for backpacks.  Roger brought his tools and hung it in a jiffy while Cathy & I got to visit.  I felt one step closer to being prepared for school, and smile every time I look over at it!

Another thing I did yesterday was create a school morning guideline and reward system to get us back on track, (and limit the amount of times I have to ask who has brushed their teeth, etc.).  I got the idea from Family Fun Mag I read at the orthodontist.  I made each kid a “placemat” (covered with contact paper).  The kids choose their scrapbook paper, & on the left side I formatted a To Do by 7:20 list; a checklist of all the things they need to do in the morning, (dry erase marker velcro’d on the top).  If they complete their list on time they get Mommy Money, (it was daddy dollars in the article...).  I went to a website where I inserted my picture into a dollar bill and printed them off on green paper.  Then I made a Mom-Mart menu of what they can purchase with their money at the end of the week.  The choices are time valued versus expenditures, like movies or Golden Spoon.  For example, they can buy a walk on the Nature Trail, or to the Great Green Field, 15 minutes of mom lap time working on Starfall.com, baking cookies with mom, bike ride around the neighborhood.  All things they love to do.  I’m sure the list will evolve to include what they would like to have the buying power to purchase, but I thought it was a good starting point to “present” the concept.  This morning Torrey asked what time it was to see if she could get her stuff done in time.  I’m hoping the system will make our school mornings more fun for them, less stressful for me, and “rewarding” for them to get with the program.  Plus I had fun with the creative process!

Well, it’s another hot morning to pack in as much fun as possible.  Yesterday afternoon we went to North Beach to meet up with Gavin’s Cub Scout group.  Not a kid friendly beach with the big surf.  From there we went over to Rich & Beth’s to “sneak” in the side and enjoy their pool while they’re on vacation.  My main goal was the hot outdoor shower the kids & I love.  So today we’ll hit Linda Lane and then their pool/shower again.  It’s low tide in the morning so there will be that long shallow water play area for the girls.   I better get this party started!

Hope you’re all staying cool somehow, appreciating the last of the summer fun, & getting geared up for whatever your transition to entails…

Lots of Love,

Ruthe 

“The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been kindness, beauty, and truth”

Albert Einstein

These last few weeks have flown by, with some peaceful lulls balanced by frenetic activity.  Infusing the passage of time have been many instances of kindness, beauty, and truth.  I’ll just tell you what we’ve been up to and hope you’ll feel the ideals above manifested.

A few weeks ago the official departure date for a very dear friend to many, from our SC Montessori days, Jeanne, was announced.  We are losing her family to Florida, for Kevin’s work.  I couldn’t let her out of our lives without some sort of recognition of her value, and celebration of our love for her.   Many emails later found almost all of the mom’s & kids from that special class met at Talega pool last Sat.  While the kids played endlessly in the pool with their “old” friends, the mom’s got to catch up as we created a memory scrap book for Kaia. 

You know me and my love for quotes, right?  Well, we were wracking our brains for a meaningful gift for Jeanne that would show her how much she meant to us all.  For Christmas, Cathy S gave me a silver bracelet engraved with a beautiful saying that I wear almost continuously.  So Miss J, the kids Montessori teacher, recommended a place in the mall, Thing Remembered, to check out, with the hopes of creating something similar, that would keep us in Jeanne’s new life.  I ended up finding a small heart jewelry box & engraved it with what felt expressive of our feelings for her.

“True friendship; rich the treasure, sweet the pleasure.”

I always told her she was a precious jewel in our treasure box.  The beauty in her heart is beyond measure, her convictions fierce & strong, her generosity deep & endless.  We will miss her terribly, but it was so gratifying to be able to express our appreciation for the love she brought into our lives.

After the pool party was over she & Kaia came over to our house.  Kaia and the girls watched a movie while Jeanne & I got some quiet unwind  time sitting in the backyard with a glass of wine & the fire lit against the cool evening.  Icing on the cake for me!

Sunday the Hurly’s invited me to attend an event  Debbie Lopez organized at Iva Lee’s to raise money  for playground building in New Orlean’s under privileged neighborhoods.  Dana, Colin & Michaela are traveling there today to help build them for a week!  I was so happy to be included in the event.  The kids hung with the Hurly’s kids, I got to enjoy great company and great food, for a good cause!!!!  Felt good all the way around!

Thursday I dragged the girls to the Pier for HELP, the Beatles band.  Kylee was a bit fussy so I didn’t get to enjoy the music as intently as I would have liked to, but it was still a neat thing to do.

Friday I picked up Gavin & the girls and stopped by Jeanne’s house (across from Early E.) to get one last hug good-bye.  The movers had just pulled away so their house was empty.  They were sitting outside soaking up their beautiful view.  I brought the kids bathing suits in case they wanted to take a dip while I chatted with Jeanne.  Good thing, because when I picked up the girls Kylee had just taken a header on the slide and she was in a state.  No major injury but she was pretty ragged until she got into the pool!

Another cool SCMontessori mom, Kim, dropped by, too.  Her family is going through something all too familiar as her husband, Randy, receives treatment at City of Hope for a rare type of cancer.  They have 4 kids.  Gavin went to SCM with the 2^nd daughter, Rylie, and the girls with the 1^st son, RJ.

As the evening progressed we were all invited across the street to her neighbor’s, Laurie & Brian’s house, for dinner.  They have a 7 yr old son that was in the pool with the kids.  What an unexpected pleasure the evening turned into.  Another gift from Jeanne, getting to know this family.  Laurie ended up taking Gavin for a ride in Brian’s sports car, (not sure what it is, but it’s HOT and Gavin was ecstatic!).

All the kids, (Kim brought 2 of hers, so there were a total of 7), wanted to get into their Jacuzzi and at first I resisted.  Everyone was back in their dry clothes, our towels were wet, yada yada yada.  Then I paused & reconsidered.  I asked them, “Is this a school night?  Is this summer ?  Is there any reason why you CAN’T get back into your suits?”  The towels went in Laurie’s dryer, the kids played a little longer, and the adults got to enjoy more conversation!!!  Win Win Win!  It was really a magical evening, made real by the open hearts & relaxed home of Laurie & Brian.  Everyone had a total blast.  We got to bed @ 11!

Then, last night, I had invited Bill, Duke & Karen, over to dinner to watch a slide show from their Costa Rica trip. Bill & Duke go way back to high school days with me.  My best girlfriend Kris was with Duke for many years waaaay back then, and we had lots of good times as room-mates in Trabuco Canyon & Laguna.  They took Jeff & me backpacking to Havasupai the first time, we’ve surfed Mexico together, and Jeff hiked the Sierra’s with them.  Another connection is that my sister-in-law, Beth, grew up with Duke & his sister in the old Trabuco Canyon!  Anyway, really good people.  It was great to get together with them!  I always enjoy talking to Karen, too - we appreciate many of the same things, like vintage table clothes, plein air paintings, new recipes, etc! 

The highlight for Gavin was Bill firing up the PS3 to access the photos over the internet.  Gavin hasn’t played the PS3 for ages so he was in hoggy heaven as Bill took over the controller & updated the system.  He got a little Star Wars Force Unleashed play before the slide show.   I told Bill he needs to schedule a standing appt to come over & play video games with Gavin.  I hope he takes my invitation to heart!

So, in closing, I leave you with another quote about friendship, because, really, that is what it is all about for me.

“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”

In Friendship,

Ruthe

Ahhh, Saturday afternoon, with kids pre-occupied.  Better jump at the chance to get up to date.  It’s not only about documenting events, for me it’s also reliving the highs. 

Anticipating of the powerful emotions the Relay would elicit, I had heard the latest episode of So You Think You Can Dance, (my fav show,) had a very moving performance portraying the breast cancer experience, and I thought it would be a good idea to clear some space in my heart for fresh tears.  I had it DVR’d so when the house was empty I got my box of tissues and watched it…twice.  WOW.  A perfect example of how much can be expressed without words.  I get teary just thinking about it.  The week before, there was dance with a heart necklace that unexpectedly broke something loose in me.  I just sobbed watching it, so beautiful.

Leading up to Relay for Life, a flurry of activity in preparation.  Excitement built with coverage in Sun Post & SC Times highlighting Team In-SPEAR-ation.   Tawnee’s article in SC Times was so poignantly captured our reason for walking, and how Jeff touched so many.  Dana hit it on the head when she asked me if it was hard with all the renewed awareness of our loss.  Yes.  Being reminded brought fresh pain, but there was a purpose that gave it a place to focus.

Here are the links to the articles.

http://www.sanclementetimes.com/index.php?mact=News,cntnt01,detail,0&cntnt01articleid=1814&cntnt01returnid=99

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/year-san-relay-2503030-cancer-clemente

I was honored to speak at the opening ceremony.  Hurly’s eloquent  introduction almost left me speechless.  I wanted to just say, “What he said,” especially since I had written my speech only the night before.   Since Gavin wasn’t at the Relay, (Comic Con & San Diego Zoo with Alec), and there were many who were unable to attend, here’s what I ended up saying.

Welcome everyone!

Check Us Out!

What a great gathering of dedicated people! Thank you being here and bringing your vibrant energy to this important event. I’d also like to thank SC Times & Sun Post for raising the voice of our mission, increasing community awareness & involvement.

I’m so honored to be speaking to you today.  When I think about how cancer affected our family’s life, I feel I’m expressing a universal experience. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007.  Then, right after 9 months of treatments, my husband Jeff, a teacher here at the high school, was diagnosed with non-smoking lung cancer. 

Thanks to advances in treatments the American Cancer Society supports, I am deeply grateful to be here today.  Unfortunately, we still have a lot of work to do, so children don’t lose a beloved parent, like ours did.

In the last 2 years, as our family was supported and uplifted daily by friends, & the community,

including everyone associated with SCHS, I learned just how precious & fragile a gift life is,

and only through our connectedness with each other can we find the strength & courage

to appreciate & live every moment to the fullest.

With this courage comes the determination to fight back. 

Through your efforts, Relay for life is able to provide resources, education, advocacy, & services

to those cancer has touched, so we CAN treat it & beat it.

We’re all here on this beautiful day so that those who face cancer will be supported,

that those who have lost their fight will be remembered,  & to work towards a future generation

that won’t have to go through what we have.

As we celebrate life today, we move closer to the day wedefeatcancer, when we can say, as Jeff would, WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER!!!!

Thank You!

I gotta’ tell you how cool it was to see so many dedicated people & feel so much positive energy.  Our team was awesome, with everyone contributing something to make the 24 hrs exceptional.  Getting to know everyone a little better was part of the pleasure for me.  Our dunk tank was a huge hit!  Lots of laughs, lots of happy kids.  T & K spent some quality time “swimming” in it.  I was so impressed Mr Duarte, SCHS principal, took his turn in it, too!  What Spear-it!

I took the girls home in the late afternoon to hang with cousin Ryan– it was a long day for them – and returned for my hour @ 6 pm.

One story.  Walking my hour, enjoying conversation with many wonderful people, I had the opportunity to meet and talk to Marc Russell’s dad, Mike.  It’s been a little over a year since Marc, (one of Jeff’s runners), was killed in a motorcycle accident.  Jeff was devastated as a high quality individual was lost to us.  I didn’t know Marc, but have heard so many endearing stories about his character.  So Lynn & I were walking with Mike as he’s telling me about what he’s been busy doing in the last year to keep from going crazy.  He says has something for me and proceeds to say he got back into his “craft” stage.  I unwrap a beautiful little wooden tray with this poem on it.

I Carry Your Heart

Whatever I do, you do

Where ever I go, you go.

I fear no fate, for you are my fate.

I want no world, for you are my world.

You are whatever the sun has ever sung.

You are whatever the moon has ever meant.

Here is the mystery that connects heaven to earth.

As deep as my mind can dream;

As high as my soul can hope;

I carry it in my heart.

I carry your heart.

So far I’d been pretty even keeled, considering the emotional charge of the day, but when, after reading this poem I turned the tray over to find a picture of Jeff & Marc, I literally almost fell to my knees on the track.  Now I know the true meaning of “floored.”  What a precious gift!  Mike also made one for Jeff’s dad, which I opened, that had Jeff’s graduation picture.  I’m keeping it for Gavin, for when he graduates for high school.  So that was a huge moment for me. 

The other really intense time was during the luminary ceremony when the track was circled with lit bags with names on them, In Memory or In Celebration.  Everyone took a lap around the track and then all the messages people left on the Relay Team’s websites when making a donation were read.  There were some amazing one’s for Jeff and me that brought new tears. 

All in all, it was an uplifting event.  Below is my Letter to the Editor of SC Times copied from this week’s issue.

THANKS FROM TEAM In-SPEAR-ation

Ruthe Spear, San Clemente

On behalf of Team In-SPEAR-ation, I wanted to thank you

and the SC Times for your thorough coverage of the Relay

for Life, and specifically our teams participation. Tawnee

[Prazak]’s deeply moving article [Cover story, “This One’s

For Spear,” Vol. 4, Issue 30] fully captured the essence of our

team, and what it means to us to unite our community around

the effort of defeating cancer.

Thanks to the amazing energy of the Relay for Life organizers,

sponsors, entertainers, and participants, it was a memorable

and satisfying 24 hours. Positive, fun, (SCHS Principal

Mr. Duarte in the dunk tank!) and also therapeutic for so

many dealing with loss.

Personally, I thank you for being part of the healing process

and connecting us as a community as we honor Jeff’s memory

by emphasizing the joyous gift of life with a purpose.

Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back!

Sunday, after the closing ceremony and packing up everything, I took the kids over to the Lee’s for pool fun, relaxation & delicious dinner.  I was sooo whipped!!!!  Wrung out, exhausted, but also fortified.

Thank you to everyone that contributed to the success of our Team’s participation.  We raised a bunch of addition funds through the dunk tank and raffles.  The other cool thing was after it was all over, everyone on the team kept saying how we could make it better next year, for the “1^st Annual.”

So, there were a few days to recover and regroup before the concert Wed night.  I took Kris with me, and thought about how lucky we were to have each other as we reminisced about all the shows we’ve been to together!  It was a perfect evening at Irvine Meadows.  Jack’s Mannequin was great.  As expected, with the opening chords of “Swim”, I burst into tears & cried unabashedly through the whole song.  Kris just held & comforted me as the true friend she is. 

Thursday I went down my phone list to remind everyone Rod Piazza was playing at the pier.  It’s such a great venue, and Rod ROCKS!  Marina showed up, as did Kris.  Gavin didn’t come but the girls enjoyed it.  We parked at Linda Lane and walked up the beach trail, with me the Sherpa, all our stuff in Jeff’s surfing backpack.  I wasn’t really paying attention as we loaded up the car to go, but the girls both brought their little backpacks.  I got quite the laugh when we set up our spot and the girls unloaded their stuff.  Kylee had brought her house slippers.  Both brought favorite stuffed animals, toys, and a change of clothes!!! The next concert is the 13^th @ 6 pm, Beatles band HELP.  It’s a fun event, and Fisherman’s puts on a good spread for $8!  Can’t beat the location!

Had planned to take kids to RJ’s for breakfast Sat morning.  Marina works there and they provided a delicious dish at the Relay.  Friday night we get a call from Grandpa Spear saying he wants to come over Sat morning!  We haven’t heard from him since before Xmas.  So he joined us for a scrumptious breakfast, and then we walked around the Ocean Institute area for a while.  (Torrey didn’t eat anything.  2 am she came in to tell me she didn’t feel good and then threw up.  Again in the morning.  Don’t ask me why, I have no idea.  She’s been taking it easy all day.)

Beyond all the recent going’s on, the highlight for me was the other night snuggling with the girls.  Torrey says to me, “You’re the greatest mom slash dad ever.”  Highest compliment, sorta’ heartbreaking, definitely bittersweet.  Precious.

I need a nap, but instead I think I’ll take the kids over to the Lee’s for a little swim…

Tell Them You Think They’re The Greatest,

Ruthe

Reading Taylor’s Caring Bridge update I can so relate to Cyndi’s challenge of finding the time to update.   I wanted to at least spend a moment today before this weekend whirls by, but I only got so far before the packing had to commence!

Topline –

Leading up to July 4^th I had some time to take kids to San O and get Gavin primed for surf camp this week.  We had such a blast hanging out at the beach, with Michaela as mom’s helper when Gavin & I paddled out.  We put the seats down in the Dolphinator and made a cozy nest for picnic lunch.

The 4^th is a much anticipated holiday, up there with Thanksgiving, because we get together at Nancy’s house with friends and “family”.  This year was another stellar day.  Got kids home before fireworks to watch them from the empty sidewalk across the street from our house.  The 4^th will be one of those holidays that marks a certain point in my life.  7/5/07 was days after my first chemo treatment, I didn’t know what side was up, still had hair, but was in a state of shock.  Last year, who knows, I’m reluctant to page down to read about it.  The memory of last summer is still too painfully fresh, I don’t want to pick the scab of that wound.

This year I was manically happy.  I had gone on line and purchased tickets for a concert in the morning!  Irvine Meadows, 7/29.  The Fray is the headliner, but I want to see their warm-up band; Jack’s Mannequin.  The leadsinger/songwriter is a bone marrow transplant survivor.  His lastest album has a single, “Swim,” on it.  I noted the lyrics the first time I heard it – “I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun.”  Well, checking out his website I read of the request to send in video that represents metaphorically the concept of “swim”. “Anything to do with hope, perserverance, courage, determination, & strength. “   Gives me goose bumps!  So there’s that to look forward to!

  After the holiday weekend we got an invite to participate in the Cub Scouts camp out.  Gavin has been keen to join since his best bud, Alec, is in and “they do really cool stuff, mom!”  Anyway, this year the campsite was on base, on the sand, right in front of Churches!!!!  Kids were excited to camp, I was thinking about surfing a spot last time I had been out many of the kids surfing it now probably weren’t born yet!!!  Pulled all the camping gear back down from the rafters and loaded up a little every evening till Friday after work I picked up the kids and headed down.  Not totally clear on what to expect so the car was packed to the gills!  Turns out everything had to be schlepped across about 50 yds of deep sand.  As soon as the tent was up I paddled out to really good conditions.  Kids had their friends & parents on the beach, (2 boys from girls kindergarten were there). 

Just to being out there washed away some of the grime of grief.  I thought about the years Jeff & I used to park at San O and walk down the beach to dawn patrol, and then take long, hot showers in the base facilities!  He would have loved our camp spot, where your first view of the day was the line up!  After I tucked the exhausted kids in I went down the water to lie in the sand and look up at the stars and think of Jeff, bringing him close to me in such a special spot.  I listened for his voice and heard it in the sounds the rocks make as they bounce off each other, rolling back down to the ocean with a receding wave.

Saturday dawned clear & warm, low tide, no rush to get in the water – enjoyed the group’s good company and delicious breakfast.  Kids were so occupied by the minnow pond behind our camping area, lost in collecting fish in a bucket, etc.  I paddled out mid morning for another classic session.  Turned into a really relaxing day.  Glad I brought the EZ up for the shade, and happy to have help getting it up!

Sunday packed it all back up, drove through Micky D’s on the way home for the lifesaver iced coffee, got kids showered  and kicking back till we headed over to the Lee’s for pool and summer BBQ.  I could barely keep my eyes open and managed to spend some quality time on a reclining beach chair.  The spa was perfect for tired, sore muscles!   Kids got a second wind, too!  Kylee had a huge meltdown at home, (the kind that ends up with her wailing for daddy, and crying about all the things she misses.  As I hold her and cry with her for the things I miss too I’m amazed it’s been a little while since she’s had a “grief-burst.”).  We got through it & settled down and then at the Lee’s she was that cute little button we know & love so much!  Gavin ended up staying the night, I tucked the girls in as soon as we got home, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.  Physically exhausted, sore but satiated, emotionally cleansed & shored up.  Feet on steady ground.  Heart strong with the success of the camping trip.  Feeling the kids joy with such a wonderful experience, I allowed myself some pride for being able to provide the memory.

Next thing to look forward to is BBQ at the Hurly’s Wed with our Relay for Life Team In-Spear-ation.

When we go home from camping Sunday there was a phone message from Hurly just checking in to hear how things went – it was so sweet.  There is something about his protective care that enriches us.  As I was listening to his message, the girls thought he was on speaker phone and ran over excitedly to yell Hi at the phone!

  Well, I better get on with it.  As we move through July and it really starts to feel like summer, I hope you find some quiet relaxing shade, and can take that moment to hear the sounds of the breeze, and feel it on your skin, and in your heart.

Much Love,

Ruthe

“Their life to us the greatest gift, & only by living can it be repaid.”

We’ve been occupied by trying to repay.  Headed out from the last day of school to the lake by way of Jeff’s Uncle Bill & Shirley’s house in Lompoc.  Long drive with traffic but once we got there I felt like we had arrived home.  Something about the familiar smells & sights prompts relaxation, (or maybe it’s the fine wine & the welcome!).  Got to lake by lunch on Friday and it was HOT!  Kids immediately got in the water and pretty much didn’t get out until we left Sunday.  Sweet memories:

Torrey in an inflatable ring holding the leash of a chocolate lab that paddled round & round, towing her along. 

Kneeboarding fun.  I was so glad to see Gavin beaming. 

Kayaking with each of the kids.

Relaxing with a magazine in my camp chair, watching the kids frolic in the water, soaking in the view of rolling brown grassy hills dotted with oak trees, the sounds of boats to be sure, but also the sound of wide open space.

Not so sweet:

Changing the RV fire alarm battery @ 3 am! J

Kylee catching the cold Gavin had last week.  Didn’t slow her down during the day but nights were long so I was a little tired during the day!

Fat lip I got on Torrey’s head playing on the water trampoline!  Had to drink my margarita through a straw!    J

Arrived back home Sunday evening.  Monday morning cleaned out RV, returned it, threw resort bags into the Dolphinator, picked up Dana & headed down to Del Mar for a work function.  Major kick out of the underwater speakers in the swimming pool!  Caddy margarita poolside Monday afternoon a much needed tonic.  I was physically sore from all the strenuous lake activity & packing/unpacking camping gear, etc.  Way to kick the summer off with get-in-shape bootcamp.

Tuesday while I was in meetings Dana & the kids enjoyed the resort.  Hurly brought down their kids to join in the 5 star fun.  Dana was such a trooper as each of the kids had nightly coughs, Gavin’s gravitating into the croup arena.  Thank goodness I had heard that strangled sound when he was a baby so I didn’t panic, (too much) in the middle of the night when he said he couldn’t breathe.  I held that gigantic boy on my lap and quietly told him the story of sleeping on the floor next to his crib, listening to his seal barking cough.  He settled back down and that crisis passed.  Whew!  And Kylee didn’t have an asthma attack this time around.  And Torrey saved her throw up till we got home!  Besides all that I think they had fun, but were ready to get back to their own beds.  Me, too! 

Kris came down Friday and Cathy & Roger came over in the late afternoon.  Roger hung the hall shelves for Jeff’s p;ictures.  The hallway, with the hanprints, and now the shelves with vibrant images of Jeff is a special place in our home.  It was so nice to relax in the backyard for a bit with friends.

Tucking in the girls Friday night, as part of an effort to help them recognize and acknowledge their many blessings, I asked them what they were grateful or thankful for that day.  Torrey answered “Kris & Cathy coming over.”  Kylee replied “Cathy & Roger coming over.”

Saturday morning went quickly.  You know how it is organizing and putting everything away from vacation.  After lunch we headed over to the Lee’s for pool perfection.  What a pleasant afternoon, topped by delicious BBQ and, you’re not going to believe this, home-made Lemon Meringue Pie from Bethe’s mom’s recipe book.  She stumbled across the recipe and got a wild hair to make it for some reason, (to our good fortune).  It tasted so REAL!  The other thing that was real was the pure joy of playing piano and singing Eagles hits with kris & Jud, with Liane & Bethe joining in.  Lots of laughter as we searched out loud for those notes to make 3 part harmony!  Hoots when we nailed it, hilarity when we didn’t!  Kris & I were in choir together in Jr & high school so having her sit next to me on the piano bench, trading off melody and harmony was just the very best.

Sunday I loaded everyone & the board up with hopes to get Gavin in the water.  He has surf camp coming up and I want him to be up to speed from where he left off.  Good timing on our arrival coinciding with our neighbors, Mike & Sheila, showing up in the parking lot so Mike carried the board down!  Not very good conditions but Gavin still managed to catch one wave.  I paddled out just to paddle out and catch a wave back in. 

Monday brought a visit from Allie, of the SCHS yearbook class, bringing over a yearbook for us! There was a lovely write up about Jeff with pictures from his Memorial.  Kylee screamed “JEFF SPEAR” when she saw it!  Gavin spent the evening looking up all his friends.  What a thoughtful gift from the SCHS staff!  It felt like a little icing on the cake of this academic year, and made us feel remembered.

By the end of the weekend I was looking forward to going back to work to rest!  Our official summer “vacation” is behind us and what remains are days of beach or pool, with no pressure to get somewhere, rushing in & out of the car, no dr’s appts/prescriptions to fill, the last 2 summers of high anxiety behind us.  I want to fill the days with happy memories and the company of precious friends, celebrating life.   “Time is the way you spend love.”  Hope we’ll be spending some love with you this summer!

Ruthe    

Thoughts and topics bouncing around my caffeine fueled brain so I’ll first update what we’ve been doing and then touch on our state of mind & heart.

Reviewing the calendar, the highlights the last 2 weeks were:

·          Attending Taylor’s post-Vegas party.  What a crowd!  All centered on their love for Taylor.  Way too many in on the poker game set up outside!  I needed a friends & family tree to keep track of the inter-relatedness of everyone!  Getting to see Taylor, watching the kids swim, relaxing in a beautiful setting, eating delicious Texas BBQ, seeing Cathy all dressed up, and so much more all added up to a memorable day.

·          Sandy brought Graham & his girlfriend, Kaitlynn, over for mid week ice cream sundaes.  While the kids played in the backyard Sandy & I got a few minutes to compare notes on our feelings.  Kindred in our similar loss.  With Graham, Gavin has a shining example of flourishing without a father, a beacon to remind him he’s not alone in his experience.

o    Kaitlynn took me up on the offer of my hiking backpack to take on her trip to Europe this summer.  I found an inordinate lighthearted joy in knowing my backpack was going on an adventure!!!  When I brought it down from the rafters I saw the tag from 1992 when Jeff & I hiked Havasupai.  Brought back memories of being in great shape, carefree, rope swings into cold emerald pools, swimming behind a waterfall.  I can’t imagine what my life would have been without Jeff, and acknowledge that it is worth the pain now for having loved for the time we did.  Rationally, I’m grateful for the full life I shared with him, but in quiet solitude last night I wrote in the margins of Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief, “I miss so much his love for me.” 

·          Bringing me back to the lasting impact of Jeff’s influences, Hurly brought over Cassie & Staci, the scholarship recipients.  We chatted in the back yard for some time.  Getting to know them reinforced my belief that they have good to pay forward from Jeff’s passion for teaching and being your best self.  Cassie reminded me of a more mellow, (& smarter), version of myself at her age!

·          Read a fascinating book, “Parents We Mean To Be,” about the importance of the parent-childrelationship at the center of the development of all the most important moral qualities, including honesty, kindness, loyalty, generosity, a commitment to justice, the capacity to think through moral dilemmas, and the ability to sacrifice for important principles.  One of Jeff’s most heartbreaking feelings was that he wouldn’t be there to guide the kids through their lives by cultivating these qualities in them.  Lots of food for thought in this dense book.

·          Thursday the trampoline arrived.  Jeff had thought it would be great for the kids, but I was always against it for safety reasons.  Talking to trampoline owners reassured me that it would be a good thing to have, but once it was here I started to have big misgivings about the associated risk.  I’m wondering if my fear beast was agitated by the added fear of something happening that would put our family’s future in peril, not just injury to our kids but to someone else that would open us to liability.  We have already experienced so much loss my primitive momma-bear brain thought I had exposed us to more potential anguish.  Felt like an anxiety attack as I called the company I got it from to see if, & at what cost, it could be returned.  I tried to calculate the risk/benefit equation while battling an overwhelming feeling of regret that I had made a bad decision.  Not “bad” but not the right decision, not well thought out.  Keenly feeling alone in my dilemma, I called everyone I knew with a trampoline to get their feedback, as well as talking to my most trusted source of conservative counsel, my brother.  I kept thinking if Jeff were here I wouldn’t be going through this miserable second guessing.  The doubt and worry eroded my fragile self-confidence & triggered a major “grief burst” that dropped me to the bottom of the well.  Having a short but very helpful conversation with Kris was like being tossed a life jacket.  Resisting the urge to veg in front of the TV after kids were in bed, (So You Think You Can Dance beckoned!), I opted for a good cry and then a good night’s sleep.  This morning I resolved to give it the weekend to contemplate my options and decide what’s best for us.

“Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”  Psalm 30

Time to change out of pj’s and get moving on preparations for lake trip next week! 

Ruthe

So happy to have get-stuff-done weather.  Friday’s wetness kinda’ got me down, but I appreciated the excuse to turn on the fireplace!

As usual, a busy week since last post.  The strategy of focusing on one day at a time as the calendar filled with much anticipated long holiday weekend get-togethers, more birthday celebrations, and school events worked well to keep the stress level somewhat manageable.  

High school friend DJ, & his wife April, were in town from Puerto Vallarta,(haven’t seen him for over 5 yrs, and April since our wedding reception in 97!).  Joe & Jo Jo were down from Oregon, too, so it seemed perfect to have a BBQ to celebrate Kris’s birthday.  What a pleasant evening!  After kids were tucked in we all wrapped up in blankets around the fire pit in the back yard to wind down the evening.  A cool outcome was that DJ & April were planning on a road trip up the coast so they got Joe & Jo Jo’s address to put Ashland Oregon into the itinerary!  Besides the delight hanging with good friends I was personally gratified to figure out how to work the propane fire pit.  May sound trivial to you but the last time I tried to start it, I couldn’t.  Of course, it was Jeff’s job.  When I opened the panel to look at the set up, I found a Ziploc bag with the instructions, etc, that Jeff had put there.  It brought him close to see that.  His methodical organization.  Anyway, this time I fiddled with it and miraculously (fire!) got it going!  It’s the little things like this that boost my confidence.

Sunday the Lee’s came over for BBQ and I took another step forward by handling the grill from start to finish.  Again, not a big deal to some, but symbolic to me, as well as a tangible example to the kids that, although mom can’t fill dad’s shoes, she can still learn to do many of the things that were once his job exclusively.  I think it also teaches them something important about meeting challenges.

Monday turned into a wonderful afternoon spent at “Aunt” Nancy’s beach  house, (Kris’s Aunt, Dave’s mom).  I totally appreciated all the guys around to play with the kids.  Dave, Leebist, & Greg  all gave them individual attention.  For the first time, the girls were old enough to play “jail break” with the rest of the kids.  The day felt like a more relaxed 4^th of July party.

Tuesday Dave & Lee took Gavin to Dave & Buster’s.  Life doesn’t get much better for a 9 yr old!

Thursday evening at the Senior Awards was amazing.  I was the 33^rd out of 40 presenters, awarding two 1^st Annual Jeff Spear Memorial Scholarships.  I felt inordinately proud of all the high achieving Tritons, especially our own Katie Lee!   When I was introduced, the student s energy level kicked it up a notch!  I was totally stoked when they responded to my request to join me in cheering what Mr Spear would say to the recipients, “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”  Staci Harrison & Cassie Bartenstein were chosen to receive the scholarships based on essays they submitted describing someone who had inspired them.  Unfortunately, there was a communication mix up and Cassie wasn’t there for her moment of recognition. 

It felt so good to be in the presence of the best & the brightest students, (our future), and to see SCHS teachers & parents.

Friday evening was the kid’s carnival at Lobo.  The kids had fun regardless of the dismal weather. 

Sat evening was the SC Educational Foundation Luau.  Jeff was one of 3 honored for excellence in leadership & service to the SCHS community, the other 2 being James & Kathleen Sigafoos, & Randall Griffin.  Hurly was master of ceremonies, & gave a moving speech about how Jeff didn’t have the benefit of a mentor program, free tutorials, or career counseling – some of the academic programs SCEF supports.  Everyone in attendance is committed to guiding students to be critical thinkers and productive citizens.  A wonderful evening made possible by the hard work of many volunteers & sponsors.  It was a privilege to be in the company of such dedicated people.  Check out their website www.scefluau.com and click on the photos.  You’ll come across one of Jeff & Pete Townsend, (surfing’s first professional world champion in 1976).  In 2007 Jeff & Hurly shared master of ceremonies duty.  I had just been officially diagnosed so was in a state of shock, but still vividly remember Jeff’s excitement over the opportunity to meet Pete.  (A surf lesson with PT was auctioned).  In preparation,  Jeff climbed into the attic to find a certain Surfer Mag with a photo spread of PT from the early 80’s.  He brought the issue to the luau, got to review it with Pete, and integrated it into his presentation.  I think PT was duly impressed!  It was classic Jeff! 

At Saturday's luau, I met a few people that started the conversation with "you don't know me but I keep up with your blog..." and we laughed about how well they know me/us through what I've shared on these pages.  Beyond the record of our experience, beyond the theraputic aspect of journaling, this site serves me selfishly to keep us connected with all that is "astonishingly beautiful" about life; the relationships with friends, family, Jeff's world, as yet unmet friends, etc.  It is this feeling of connectedness sustains the Spear Family.

One of the EF members told me there was a brick in Jeff's named added this week to the Walk of Fame at the high school.  I can't wait to visit it with the kids to provide them with another reminder of their dad and their place in the community.

Sunday I loaded up the girls, (Gavin went to CA Adventure), for Doheny and the Dick Baker public memorial service & paddle out. Ended up just kicking a ball on the big grass area, and snuggling up in the back of Dolphinator, reading library books we got earlier in the day.  I had packed their big fur pillows so we had a cozy little nest.  They really enjoyed a relaxed mom and I treasured the time to focus on them without all the distractions of chores at home, or the time crunch of the next thing to move on to.  It’s what I’ve been thinking lately…how much I  take pleasure in the kids company - doing simple things like playing, & listening to them, giving them the undivided attention and eye contact they crave.  We all need this kind of interaction to balance the drill sargent mode I fall into at home, keeping the wheels on the bus!

Well, I better keep the wheels turning...Hope your bus is on track as the school year winds down, and the June gloom takes hold!

Love,
Ruthe

Here I go, starting off with the “I only have a few minutes to write” when I really want to settle down and go on & on & on about what yesterday blossomed into.  Can I list a few adjectives to portray its fullness?  Superlative, exceptional, & outstanding don't even get close to describing what unfolded.  With abysmal beginnings, (and I use that word as in the abyss in the depths of the ocean that captivates Gavin), because I was in the depths of despair missing Jeff, with the day stretching before me a challenge to get through, holding it together, and trying to make it fun, like he would, too!

Really in need of some comfort I walked down to Kelly’s house.  Her shoulder was there for me, as usual.

I don’t know if the girls were sensing my despondency, or feeling their own personal daddy-not-here, but they were in quite the mood when I picked them up from school.  Fortunately I have been reading a handy little guide called The Pocket Parent, so I stayed calm and didn’t let it get to me.  (Although geared to 2-5 yr olds this book gives specific phrases & sound-bite tips for interacting with your kids in a humane way that preserves everyone’s dignity – encouraging & effective!).  Slowly but surely they came around.  I wisely abandoned the idea of going to pick out a piñata, instead involving them in a relaxed effort of baking and decorating their cakes.  Kylee:  Daddy’s favorite cake, yellow with homemade chocolate frosting.  Torrey: Angel food with a can of vanilla frosting and lots of sprinkles.  On Tuesday night her last words to me were, “make it in the shape of a 6.”  (She still remembers Gavin’s angel food 8 yr old cake).  It actually came out pretty good!

Janell dropped in to ramp up the excitement level!  We haven’t seen her for a while so it was a real treat for all of us!  I know how much she & Jeff loved and admired each other and I could feel that within her shining through.  She was here & gone quickly but added an extra special moment to our day.

I also had a few quiet moments on the front swing to talk on the phone with Kris, (she shares the girls birthday!), which hit just the right note.  She validates all the child rearing philosophies I’m trying to practice, and always seems to say the right things to make me feel better.

Torrey was so focused on opening her present I decided to pick up Gavin from Nicky’s and get it out of the way.  Once they got their little mini triplet puppies it was all good!  They really wanted to play with their 3D chalk & glasses, but I knew Hurley, and Cathy & Roger, were meeting us at PizzaPort so off we went in better moods all around. 

I was looking forward to having Roger, Cathy, & Hurley there to see us through the token frenzy.  To my delight we were joined by his wife, & daughter, Dana & Micheala, Dave P, and Greg Y!  But when I went downstairs to order pizza the real surprise was SCHS Cheerleaders showing up with toys and flowers for the girls.  Of course I burst into tears, but they were happy ones, for a change!!!!  I am still so overwhelmed and incredibly touched by them making an appearance and making the “party” a party!!!

I’ve been reading my high school journals lately, and even went to a class reunion last Friday, so was kind of in a high school mindset.  What struck me was how self-absorbed we all were back then.  And then the other end of the spectrum is this group of Cheerleaders, full of thoughtful care for others.  With their sparkley eyes and big smiles again I felt Mr Spear beaming out to our family.  T & K haven’t stopped talking about “the cheerleaders.”

Krosby, Janell’s daughter, dropped in with the Clark’s kids, (our neighbors 2 doors down).   I never fail to remind Krosby she gave T & K their first bath in the sink!  For a girl that was dragged around the country every 2 years as my parents searched for greener pastures, having our children still know their earliest friends gives me great satisfaction.

Anyway, getting back to the party…we headed home around 7 for cake and more celebrating.  Kelly & her daughter Lindsey, Kerry, & kids Elle & Cole, brought over a box of brightly wrapped gifts and filled the kitchen with excitement.  The kids all ran outside to play with their new stuff and I wanted that feeling of closeness and boisterous happiness to go on forever!  The Lee’s also showed up for the singing & cake, making the evening complete.

Got everyone tucked in with no meltdowns, (a feat considering no Spear child had anything to eat since lunch besides batter, rootbeer, cake & frosting!).  Kylee & Torrey were the happiest little clams!  I think they felt very loved by all the big deal made of their birthday.  And I felt like we made it through another “first,” yet again only with the enrichment everyone added to the day.  

“My friends have made the story of my life.”

     Helen Keller

We are so truly blessed with friendships forged in the firey hell of what we’ve been through.  There to console & comfort, and also exult in the beauty life still has to offer, like the smile on a now 6 yr olds face.

Ruthe

      Happy 6^th Birthday Torrey & Kylee!!!!

I took the day off, (making sure they knew one of their “gifts” was time with mom & not having to go to the Y after school!).  We’re going to bake their cake & fill a piñata.  Tonight is Pizza Port from 5ish to however long the quarters last, and then some cake at home 6:30 ish.  Everyone is welcome to drop by either place.  The more the merrier.

I’m finding it "a challenge", to get into the Spear-It of celebration, missing Jeff terribly, (not so subtle code for crying my heart out), so I’m off to swim laps on this beautiful day to settle down and hopefully wash away some of the sadness, and bring “refreshed mom” to the day.

As this poem so beautifully conveys, I have to reach within to feel him close and as I hug the kids, remind myself he lives on through them.  In everything we do, he is imperishably present.

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch,
The knowing, Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade,
Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand

And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are. What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still.
Close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.

---Nicholas Evans

I have heard from many that they feel Jeff's presence close, whether it be physically, (dolphin sightings), spiritually, emotionally, or otherwise, ("What would Jeff do?").  I hope you think of him today, as the phenomenal father he was, and let what is him within you shine out to the world.

Ruthe

Before the beautiful weekend flies by I’ll try to catch up.

Highlights in chronological order, not in order of importance…

• Discovering the source of a really bad smell in the garage.  At first I thought it was dampness and was really worried I had some sort of unidentified water leak.  Then it turned into a moldy smell. I still couldn’t identify the source and it was starting to drive me a little crazy.  So Torrey asks if she can play with the bucket of plastic Easter eggs stored on a high shelf.  You guessed it; rotten hard boiled eggs, and maggot filled candy.  Fascinating for the kids, disgusting to clean up and nothing stinkier!!!  But, hey, I was thrilled it wasn’t a slab leak!!!!!
• Making Taylor’s poster card with the kids each contributing something.  The girls were very excited to present it to him.  It was so great to see him and be around his family.  What amazing people!  Cathy was there to entertain the girls in the backyard so I could visit for a bit.  We coordinated our visit to coincide with Hurley & Dana showing up so that made it even more special. 
• Taylor shares his birthday with another special friend from my high school days; Cooper.  My high school sweetheart that was killed in a motorcycle accident was his best friend so we share that bond, too.  Plus he’s just the coolest, fun, guy!  Anyway, I’ve been reading through all the journals I kept “growing up,” including all through high school, so I scanned and sent him an entry I made as I headed off to Jackson Hole WY after graduating about how much his friendship meant to me and when we see each other again it will be “joyous.”  Since his wife is also a BC survivor he was really helpful as I went through my experience, and continues to be supportive.  So we had a great laugh about my writing.  Tonight is a reunion gathering of sorts for classes of 76-79.  Kris, her little sister, Keri, Coop, and his little sister, Julie, will be meeting up.  I’m really looking forward to the good company and laughter. 
• Friday’s visit from the Delanty’s.  They presented me with a Mother’s Day gift that will continue to give through out our lives; the hand prints made with Jeff, kids & I just days before he left us, beautifully framed by SC Art Supply.  There is a cut-out in the back so they can see the writing there.  Rick also made plaquards on the back from each family, The Gartons, The Grahams, (Jeff’s cross country runners), and The Delanty’s that contributed to creating these priceless heirlooms.  The big Mother’s Day card Rick made, “A Loving Family is Together Always,” signed by so many from SCHS, brought such deep feelings of love.  I thought I would be fine, or at least OK, for Mother’s Day, because it was about me, not Jeff, but feeling the care everyone put into making it so special reminded me of how important Jeff was to everyone and how he would so appreciate this outpouring of support for us.  Gavin was anxious to get back over to his friends house, (away from his bawling mom!), and the girls were more in to how cool it was. I was really glad Hurley showed up, too.  He’s such an important part of our family, now more then ever! Rick & Lynn did a great job hanging them in the hall way.  As I gaze at them it feels like our house is more of a home for their presence. 

     Kelly came over later so Kris & I could head over to Shani’s for a much needed cocktail and a little karaoke.  Kris & I did a duet that brought to mind all the songs we would sing together, not only in choir, but cruising around in her VW bus, or my bug, listening to 8 tracks – geeze are we old, or what!!!!

·         For Mother’s Day I took the kids to the harbor early for bagels.  We took a leisurely walk around the harbor counting crabs.  Later in the day Giao came over with the sweetest gift.  She took pictures of the kids each holding a big letter, girls each got an M, and Gavin’s face is in the middle of the O, in a 3 picture frame.  She gave me the double prints which I have showed proudly to anyone & everyone I can since then!  That she would think of us on this holiday and make it special speaks volumes of her thoughtfulness.

Later in the day I dropped Gavin, Alec, and Ryan at Star Trek, and then     met up with everyone back at the Lee’s for a little spa time.  Nice, relaxing day. 

·         Reading through essay’s submitted for Jeff’s Legacy Scholarship.  Wow.  A lot harder then I thought it would be, but cool, too.

·         Seeing John Dowell awarded 2009 National Couch of the Year for SCHS Surf Team!

“Got through it” moments

·         Work golf event Tuesday seeing a friend I worked with before Gavin was born.  He & his wife came to our wedding reception.  Hadn’t seen him in years and he was out of the loop so after inquiring how the family was doing, “and Jeff” there was that moment of heart freeze as I stammer to deliver the sad, shocking news.  So you would think I would be a little smoother the next day at the City of Hope Angels of the Food Industry Luncheon when the same thing happened.  Nope.  Nothing like having to relieve the horror of it all to shake me up.  But got through that day, too. 

Yesterday evening felt like a little relief form a too busy week.  Looking forward to a weekend with no clock to beat.   Next hurdle coming up…Father’s Day.  Open to suggestions on how to make it meaningful, fun, special for the kids…

Well, gotta’ get going….

Love To You All,

Ruthe

The only paper we get is the SC Times so I totally appreciate being made aware of write ups in the Sun Post News!  The kids LOVE seeing anything related to dad and I add it all into the “scrapbook.”

Link to article on Jeff being honored with Teacher of The Year award:

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/elementary-school-year-2381757-middle-teacher

Can it be Sunday again already?  Was it just a week ago today I was down towards the bottom of “the well” emotionally?  Asked myself how I could get outside of myself and do something fun with the kids.  Loaded up the car with kids, the “fort” refrig boxes and a roll of duct tape to hit the park that has 2 levels, thinking they would love to slide down in the big boxes.  I needed to hear their medicinal laughter.  When we got there Gavin freaked out on the water fountain spraying a continuous geyser.  He has a psychotic fixation on water conservation and was REALLY upset.  There was no box fun to be had until the fountain was fixed.  My phone didn’t get reception out there so we were close to getting back in the car and driving to where I could call someone to come out.  I had to first see if there was anything I could do to stop the geyser.  A few smashes to the button you push to get a drink stopped it!!!!  Whew, huge relief, and on with the boxes fun.  Later, it started spewing again and hitting it didn’t help.  Found yet another use for a roll of duct tape; as a hammer!  I felt so great to be able to solve the problem and save the day in Gavin’s eyes!

Tuesday enjoyed a beach trail power walk with Ann.  Oxygen in the blood, beautiful vistas, and lively conversation all served to perk me up while simultaneously unwinding some.

Thursday evening Kris & Mason came over to hang with the kids while I went to the kick-off event for Relay for Life.  Hurley gave the most moving speech, tying in his relationship with Jeff & how important it is to raise funds for the American Cancer Society so others don’t have to be asked by a friend to give their eulogy.  I don’t know how he was able to keep it together.  I sure didn’t.  But leaving the event I had a true smile on my face, and enthusiasm for the event.  Thanks to some awesome people at SCHS we already have around 20 people on Team In-Spear-ation!  Lindsay Mariani is heading up the effort so if you want to join our team or donate you can email her at Llmariani@capousd.org

Here’s the link to pictures & event info, too.

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/clemente-san-relay-2387008-high-school

Click on “more Photos” and check out photo #2: Mike (Hurley) Dana, and his parents, and if you want to laugh, see how unphotogenic I am in shot #7 with our team captain, Lindsay.

After I got home Kris & I enjoyed some precious moments of conversation and reflection. 

Saturday I took the kids, and Gavin’s friend Jason, to Riviara for the Timmy Dowell 5^th Annual Surf Contest.  What a great group of people celebrating Timmy’s vibrant life!  We had the privilege of parking in Ann’s driveway, and were so stoked to see Sandy & Graham.  He played catch with Gavin for a few minutes before they had to leave.  After the event Ann invited us over for a swim.  The kids were so excited and I had a few minutes to relax with Ann.  From there we hit it straight to State Park, where Rich & Beth, and Jud & Liane were camping.  BBQ & good times.  The kids were sooo tired by the time we got home.  (Me, too!)

Jason stayed the night so Sunday morning I drove everyone through Carls, picked up his cousin and backed in to a spot on Calafia in front of the rope swing area for a picnic.  Folded the seats down and spread out a blanket in the back.  Me & 5 kids digging into breakfast with an ocean view, warm sun on my back goodness.

The rope swing was down, though, so we hiked up the trail to invade the Lee’s at their campsite.  It is so cool to have this wonderful playground in our backyard!

With so much to appreciate about life’s beauty I want to bring your attention to a special birthday happening this week.  Some of you may not know Taylor Martin and his incredible story.  I’ve mentioned him before – am extraordinary person Jeff taught that has fought his whole life against an insidious disease slowly robbing him of everything that makes life worth living.  With courage, strength, faith, & grace he & his family have faced a life of extreme challenges.

To give you an idea of what Taylor meant to Jeff I copied below a message Jeff sent to Taylor’s mom, Cindi, just days after he was diagnosed.  He was already so ill at that time he had little energy to respond to the tsunami wave of supportive messages coming his way, but he summoned his will to reply to the message she left him on our site.

Date: Thursday, May 08, 2008 2:44:47 pm
To: <Cyndi
Subject: he is my hero
From: "Jeff Spear" < datz1@cox.net >

hey cyndi, jeff spear here. i want you know i think of taylor everyday. he is a huge inspiration to me at this time. i was diagonsed with lung cancer, stage 4.. taylor has taught me how be positive and how to over come everything. Please let him know i think about him everyday and that i will get better. he is my hero. Jeff

So we’re talking about an individual that inspired Jeff, among countless others.  Well, Wed is his 21^st birthday.  I’ve copied below the message from his phenomenal mom about the importance of this birthday.

----- Original Message -----

From: Cyndi

To:

Sent: Friday, May 01, 2009 10:51 AM

Subject: Taylor's turning 21!

Hi All!

Taylor is officially turning 21 this up-coming Wednesday, May 6th.

Tay is SO excited and we are thrilled that he is still with us! (-;

It has been a hard life for our special young man but at the same time, it has also been a beautiful one as well.  Our goal (Peter & I) has always been to give Taylor the best life possible, especially his childhood, because we never knew how long his life expectancy would be as he hit his adult years.  It is a known fact that with NF adulthood is "IFFY".

21 years and holding!!  What a celebration!  Tay's goal was to make it to 21 so he could experience Vegas baby, which you all know about and many of you are participating with us. We are taking Tay there the weekend of May 15th.

In the meantime...what do we do this Wednesday to acknowledge his actual Birthday?

Here's where I need your help! (-;

Taylor can not go out to eat or drink, eat cake or even blow out a candle...his body doesn't allow this safely any more.  Remember he has a permanent trach and feeding tube.

I was thinking that if any of you can pop a birthday card in the mail, (2910 Arreos, San Clemente, Ca.  92673). send a birthday text to his cell phone (949) 456-3471, or just drop by throughout the day for a few minutes, it will really make Taylor's day!  He loves you all sooo much and loves hearing from you. (-;

If you decide to stop by, please plan on coming by any time between 1-5 for just 10 minutes or so each.  He is usually not up and in his chair until after lunch and he tires by the end of the day.

Thank you for the faithful love and friendship you continually give Taylor, he really thrives on your visits and notes of encouragement and is here STILL because of the strength your commitments to him give him. (-;

Please feel free to pass this e-mail on.

Much Love & Gratitude,

Cyndi

PS>>>Still keeping the Faith. (-;

So, I’m brainstorming for some way to add our happy to his birthday!   If you knew & loved Jeff but never met Taylor, you can still send a card to Taylor along the lines of closing the circle from him to Jeff to you to him…just a thought...

“It's the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love, 'till we find our place, on the path unwinding”      Elton John

Enjoy your path unwinding!

Love,

What a week; high highs, low lows.   I’m kinda’ wrung out.

Thursday night I accepted the Teacher of the Year award on Jeff’s behalf.  At the last minute Janell joined us so I had her great company as well as Cathy’s, one on each side propping me up emotionally.  Seeing Bob B & Duncan there for the occasion felt so good, too.  I went up on stage in front of the best of the best next to Sally White as she read a moving tribute to Jeff.  As her voice broke, I struggled to maintain composure so I could get through my one line.  After the standing ovation, I’m really not sure what I ended up saying, but it was supposed to be something along the lines of how I was honored to accept the award on Jeff’s behalf, recognizing the positive influence he had on so many lives, (paraphrasing an email from Tanya). I completely forgot the part “…while making math fun to learn.”   For the rest of the evening, listening to various stories and statements from other winning teachers, the theme of making a difference and the value of building relationships kept popping up, reinforcing what has been going through my mind with thoughts of Jeff so strong.

Friday I was in tatters, maybe because I had to hold it together the night before, the dam was breaking!  I had a big work day to demand my mental focus, but my thoughts were on it being Jeff’s birthday.  As the day progressed I received emails that gave me strength in Jeff’s remembrance.  I knew Chip, Devo, Mel (Treat & Beat It t-shirt creator), and other Wedge Crew were golfing Shorecliffs and sprinkling some of Jeff’s ashes by his favorite hole.  Hurley joined them for a bit. 

Most moving was what I found on our doorstep from Rick D.  Below is the email I immediately sent to him, before calling to thank him once I got it back together. 

“I had on my To Do list from yesterday to let you know when I opened SC Times Wed my breath was taken away by the cover of your painting.  Especially since we had talked about it, and your meeting there, represented in the red tailed hawk.  It was a transcendent moment.

Today has been so intense, with accepting Jeff's Teacher of the Year award last night, his birthday today with the memory of last year trying to make it fun for the kids - aware that it would possibly be his last, sad at the passing of Dick  - knowing Una and their heartache, and then Jeanne’s brother going on hospice with her mom reaching out for support.  A big work load today the only thing keeping me from drowning in my tears. 

Then I see your gift on the front door.  I stop short here - searching for words to express how touching the painted stone is.  A great treasure to me.  And you know how much I love your work so the note cards were such a nice thought.  But it was your hearts expression that so moved me, perfect in it's eloquence - expressing exactly what I need to be reminded of.  I wish Jeff could know how deeply I'm cared for in his absence based on what an amazing person he was.  Yesterday I took a walk on the beach trail and let nature take on some of my sorrow and fill in the emptiness with the open ocean.  

Tonight we are celebrating Jeff's birthday with friends, dinner & his favorite cake Cathy is coming over to make this afternoon.  Tomorrow at Dick's Memorial Service I will shed fresh tears for all sorrows. 

But today I'm bolstered yet again by the healing power of art and love.  Thank you, Rick, for adding your layer on to this day.  Your kindred spirit is priceless.”

The rock I referenced above Rick found at Trail 3, & painted with a breaking wave and “Trail 3.”  I took the card, his Calafia Ravine painting, to Nancy’s house for Hurley to read aloud before we sang and blew out candles.  Its sentiment is too beautiful not to share here.

“Today is a good day to remember what a blessing Jeff brought to this community, to the high school, and to his friends.  Jeff was a model to me, because he lived his life in the power of the spirit; he was emotionally strong (“TDOES” –Total domination of every situation), positive, and giving of himself.

Life is certainly more than the physical & material.  Jeff proved that in his coaching, teaching, and relationships – it was his attitude that made the difference.

That’s how I remember Jeff today – as a man who made a difference.  God bless you & the kids.  Rick”

Wow, does that not hit the nail on the head, or what?!

Kris also helped me get through the day by answering my call and saying just the right things I needed to hear to calm me. 

Going back to Friday morning for a second to share a story because I’m so proud of the person Gavin is shaping up to be.  You know how we play “Guess what I’m thinking” at night snuggling, right?  Well, earlier in the week I had mentioned to him that Torrey was really getting into building Magnetics at the Y.  Thursday night he dragged out his set and proceeded to build something. Later, playing the guessing game, I gave him “m” and he guessed “magnetics” pretty guickly, with a few hints.  He gave me G-T-H.  (I like nouns better then phrases, especially when I’m so tired my brain doesn’t connect the dots), but I finally got “Give To Her.”  So Friday morning, I’m pretty ragged, and Torrey ends up in hysterics, ostensibly because she didn’t get to crack any eggs, although I think it had more to do with a late night Thursday and me being gone.  So Gavin disappears upstairs and comes back down to present the magnetics set to her & Kylee.  Torrey reined in her fit in a second and they settled into building.  When it was time to load up for school they wanted to take it in the car, but Gavin used his teaching voice to remind them they wouldn’t want to lose any pieces.  I was so grateful for his initiative, thoughtfulness, and diplomacy.  So like Jeff, to distract with fun instead of getting caught up in the emotional drama.

So back to Friday night at Nancy’s.  A really wonderful evening, with all the kids off playing so mom could relax & unwind in good company.  It was such an impromptu gathering I found myself planning ahead for next year to throw a big blow out party to include everyone.

We all went to bed exhausted, sandy, smelling of the fire ring, and feeling better!

Saturday morning after showers for all, Gavin went to Alec’s, his home away from home. I left the girls with Hurley kids and carpooled with Hurley, Shani & Rod to Dick’s Memorial.  Not to compare, but I was struck by parallels between Jeff’s life & Dick’s.  Both were widely & deeply admired, loved, & respected, and family men in the truest sense.  Dick’s contribution to the community, his industry, & humanity will be immeasureably missed.  Hearing his sons speak so highly and fondly of him I couldn’t help but think of Gavin, wishing he had more years to benefit from the greatness of his father. 

One of the many eloquent speakers opened with the dates of Dick’s birth and death, referencing the “dash” between the dates.  He elaborated on that dash and what it meant, the living of life, the relationships one builds during the time we have.  I had only met Dick briefly through Una, so I was in awe of his legacy from afar. 

At the reception I had one of my favorite things happen – approached by a parent & their child that was a student of Jeff’s to talk about him. 

Well, tomorrow is a new day.  I look down at the post-it note on my screen, “I will try again tomorrow.”  If it weren’t for the blessing of so many caring friends I know I, (& the kids, too), wouldn’t be able to move forward & heal at this pace.  A fitting quote in closing:

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.  ~Henri Nouwen

With Inexpressible Gratitude,

Hammock up, productivity down!  With weather like this, it’s hard to get motivated to do much besides frolic at the pool!  It was just the other night I was happy for the cold nights so I could enjoy that comfort a pile of blankets confers.  Hot weather shortens my fuse when I'm not wet!

Last week flew by with work very busy catching up, and putting things right after vacation.  I joked, but it’s the truth, I was happy to drop the kids Monday morning and get to my job.  9 days of 24/7, although lots of fun, was lots of work, too!

Tuesday brought the sad news of Dick Baker’s passing after a 2 year fight against the arch enemy!  His incredible wife, Una, put on the Boarding for Breast Cancer surf contest last summer.  She brought a lot of sunshine into our lives since we met over the summer, and continues to drop in.  Through the blur of Jeff’s memorial I distinctly remember being so wonderfully surprised & honored to see her & Dick there.  My heart goes out to their family in awareness of what they’re experiencing now and to come.  6 months into this widow/single mom gig & it still seems so surreal, although I must say, the shoe is starting to feel like it’s fitting better. Graced with times of light & joy, there are those undeniable instances when it just plain old sucks.  And the hard thing, when I'm mourning the lost love of our lives, or short on patience with the kids, is that I have to remind myself it’s sooooo good to be here, alive.  The absence of Jeff’s energy left a vacuum I continue to struggle to fill.  It’s really not possible, I have to remind myself.  I can only create a new energy field to fuel us.  That’s the challenge I live for, and face gladly, every minute of every hour of every day.

Tuesday night is wrestling at SCHS for Gavin.  For some reason Torrey wanted to go draw dad's classroom, so without question I brought along supplies and we sat outside his room and drew/drawed (?) for a bit.  We had a KT Lee, cousin, run in, which was very cool  She was there for a science class.  Mrs Kipe saw us and came over with the Girls Soccer book for 08-09.  They published a full page picture of Jeff, with the inscription, "In loving memory of Mr. Jeff Spear.  An amazing teacher, friend, and coach to the students and staff at SCHS.  We will miss him and he will always be remembered."  That says it all.  Tears were shared, hugs helped.  

Later, Kylee was really acting up, unusually defiant.  At bedtime we talked about her behavior, with her defense finally, "I was tired and hungry and mad that my daddy isn't coming back."  It must sink in a little more each time we visit a place where they have so many fond memories.  Jeff used to build them the coolest fort out of desks when they were too sick to go to school.
I'm glad she's verbalizing her  feelings, but you can't imagine the heartbreak when she cries for her dad and wails, "I'm only 5!!!"  All I can do is agree with her, validate her sadness, and encourage the expression of these phenomenally difficult feelings. 
 

A rejuvenating walk with Cathy S later in the week helped immensely.  I even got a little Ole Hanson ocean view stretch out that put a little bounce back in my step!

Friday night we took in the carnival.  Bumped into Kane & Drew.  The boys manned-up for the tilt-a-wheel ride, twice!  Got out of their as the middle school masses began their take over. 

But the highlight of the week was celebrating friendship Sat night.  Sat morning Dana picked up the girls to take them, with Michaela & Colin, to the Pet Expo.  Gavin & I swam some laps and then I dropped him at Aliso Woods to ride with Devo & Plitma.  It means so much to Gavin to stay part of their lives.  I think it makes him feel closer to his dad, more like his dad, because these are his dad's friends.  I had a twinge as I drove off, thinking how fun it would be to join them, but given the choice, Gavin wanted a solo guy outing, totally understandable! 

At 3:30 I started in on a new recipe.  Chip showed up and worked his own magic in the kitchen with a marinade extroidinaire for the scallops he brought!  The riders arrived soon after with Gavin glowing, and then the Hurleys and girls completed the picture.  Great food, great friends, great memories for the kids, and soul sustenance for me.  I adore the house in full swing, with laughter providing the sound track.  I have some Flip video of Hurley on SingStar I’m holding for ransom!

A little foggy headed this morning, due to Plitma’s bartending!  Now I find out he also goes by “Cocktail”!

Planned on the Hershey Track & Field event today, but the thought of hanging out under the hot sun waiting for Gavin to race didn’t sound as attractive as pool action!  Ryan came along for additional entertainment.  Didn’t want to OD on the first sun of the season so came home mid-day and relaxed on the hammock, thinking of all the things I could get up and do.  It’s the kind of day to just be.  But since I have a few “spare” minutes, I’ll download some pics!

Next Friday is Jeff’s birthday.  Wondering how to make it special for the kids.  Probably make his favorite cake, yellow with chocolate frosting, some blue & green balloons, and Los Golindrinas picnic at the beach in the evening.

Thursday is the Teacher of The Year event.  Cathy S is attending as my guest.  Gavin was completely uninterested in going. 

Well, I better move on before I answer the hammock’s beckoning call.  If I stretch out & let my mind wander it will return to the notion of how friends help create our world, our family’s reality, anew each day.  “Without their loving care, courage would not suffice to keep hearts strong.” 

If you have a moment, I encourage you to turn to a friend, and let them know how you feel, that life is made better together.

Before I launch into a recap of our wonderful Yosemite trip I want to back up & make mention of the Blood & Marrow Testing drive last Thursday @ SCHS.  I stopped in to chat with Cathy & Roger, meet Gina, and check out the event.  It was a total success by their standards.  I was only there for a short time, but was so impressed by all the students giving of themselves by donating blood.  I heard the drive ran short on supplies there was such a big turn out!  A student passing by greeted me with a “Hi Mrs Spear!” that totally made my day!!!!

Saturday morning I took the kids to Carl’s for breakfast since we were all packed up & ready to go, (kitchen was clean..).  We had a little family meeting over French toast sticks to discuss how we were going to behave during our trip, and focus on the fun about to begin!  At the end I spontaneously started a pledge by holding my hand up, doing the “repeat after me.”  We pledged to have a good time while treating each other with respect, behaving politely, & looking out for each other.  The kids sparkled with engagement, and I thought to myself I have hit on something they respond to!

As planned, we hit the road at 10.  Hurley was on his way to wish us off well, and ended up “escorting” us down the hill as we sang Happy Birthday out the windows to him! 

To break the drive up, our first night was at Kelly’s Landing, in Kingsburg, a little South of Fresno.  I found it on line.  It was 10 miles off the 99, and we drove through the most quaint town.  I pointed out they had a Donut Store right across from their high school, too, except theirs was called The Donut Shop!

Kelly’s Landing turned out to be a great green field with a bank going down to a sandy beach.  There was a huge tree with 2 rope swings the kids & Ryan played on endlessly.  Kylee and Torrey were fascinated by a lovely Weeping Willow on the bank, hiding inside it’s branches.  The King River was knee deep and slow moving out to a sandbar about 15 feet from shore. It was sunny and warm enough for bathing suits to go on, for lots of running in the cold water to the sand bank & back.  Richard & Beth showed up soon after.  We were the only 2 campers there!  The next morning the sun warmed us sitting in our chairs on the bank.  I had to get out in the water to supervise the girls while Gavin & Unc went exploring to cross the bridge and look back on camp.

We eventually, & somewhat reluctantly, headed out for the 2^nd leg of the trip.  Rich & Beth had reservations outside of Yosemite and planned to meet up with us Monday morning at our campsite in Upper Pines.  Outside of Fresno it started to get really beautiful, but the closer we got to Yosemite, the scarier the driving became!!!  Inside the park at one point I hugged the right side of the road too closely and caught a snow pole with the side mirror, knocking out the wide angle mirror part!  Kids got to hear mom cuss, 3 times!  After about 5 minutes Gavin asked if I was still mad, and I answered honestly, nope!  Not much we could do about it!

I had forgotten how crowded Yosemite Valley is and was a little let down after the wide open space of Kelly’s Landing.  But the kids didn’t notice, or care, so I followed their lead!  They were mesmerized by the snow.  Across from our campsite there was a big pile of it that kept the girls thoroughly entertained with their sand toys.  We were right next to the river so there was lots of rock throwing from the bridge, and log crossing stream action.  Kids loved it all.

I had brought a picture Fred took from a bridge looking down at Jeff & me floating in a raft, circa 1987 (?).  What a fun trip that was!

There were so many campfires it was sort of smoggy and I was concerned about the particulates irritating Kylee’s asthma.  I cursed myself for mentioning there was less oxygen at higher altitude when Kylee noticed her chest was tight.  Thank goodness I brought the Abuterol!  Monday morning dawned COLD so we bundled up and rode the bus around the valley floor.  It was heated, and relaxing to sit all cozied up in the back.  We hiked up the mist trail for a while before getting the call that R & B were at our campsite.

The girls hung with them while Gavin, Ryan & I headed back up the mist trail to the top of Vernal Falls.  Gavin was enthralled.  At the Emerald Pool I asked him if he wanted to join me in mixing some of Dad’s ashes with the clear Sierra waters.  He wanted nothing to do with “anything that involves mom crying…”  So I found a private spot to remember happier times, like us hiking to the top of Half Dome, when we were in our prime.

It was a pristine day, bluest of skies, warm air.  I listened to the breeze and summoned images of strong, exuberant, life loving Jeff, and said a little more good-bye as I released some of his ashes into the Emerald Pool.  Wiping away my tears, breathing deeply with resolve to live as Jeff would, open to the wonder, I returned to Gavin & Ryan, and headed back to the valley feeling like I had achieved what I set out to do.

We left the next morning.  Gavin wanted to pin me down on when we would return to hike Half Dome, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that this was likely my last trip to Yosemite.  There are other Sierra hikes we can take, I hope, but Half Dome will have to be his experience.  Part of me wants to set it as a goal, but right now I’m still tired from Vernal Falls!

Our next stop was a KOA outside Visalia.  As we left Yosemite the rain clouds were coming in.  Kylee coughed for 6 hours straight.  Oh yeah, for some reason, Torrey didn’t feel well Monday night and ended up urping uneventfully.  It’s like a camping experience isn’t complete until someone throws up!!!  At least Kylee didn’t get car sick, surprisingly.

So I pull off to find our KOA, with the promise of a heated swimming pool.  It was the coolest little campground out in the middle of no where.  Pool as promised.  Hot showers.  Full hook-up, wooo whooo.  There was even an old fashioned game room that had board games.  We played Sorry for a bit before everyone’s attention wandered.  It was pretty funny because the instructions were in Spanish and each of us had some vague idea of the rules so we kind of made them up as we went along.  We had the place to ourselves!

That night the rain made us feel safe and sound in the RV, which we named Shelter.  I kept marveling at how nice it was versus tent camping!  The rest of the drive home was uneventful.  A long haul, but not too stressful.

Today, Thursday, filling propane at U-Haul, I asked about mirror replacement and was directed to Rick’s RV off La Pata.  Rick had the part and spent quite some time putting it on for me!  As soon as I turned in the RV I started thinking I should reserve one for the lake trip in June!

Later in the day Cathy came over, and Sean stopped by, too, as I went about putting it all back together.  This morning over breakfast I talked to the kids about getting back on track, (we use the train analogy a lot, it seems).  One of the new things I introduced, a brilliant idea Beth mentioned ages ago, is the breakfast plan, as in Monday Oatmeal, Tuesday Bagels, etc, so each kid got to pick a meal/day.  No more short order cook mom, making each one what ever they feel like.  Routine & predictability for them, less work and thought for me!  I’ll let you know how it goes!  We’re still doing well with the jobs program!  (I try not to call them chores because that doesn’t sound as important to them!)

The pile of mail yielded a treasure, a letter from one of Jeff’s runners for 3 “awesome” years, Crosby.  He wrote about a discussion he had with Coach Spear that remains with him to this day.  Jeff told him to invest his time in only those things that bring him the most joy in life and cut the rest, to follow his heart and do what matters most. In closing he says… “…the importance of reminding ourselves to live as joyfully as possible.  I cannot think of a better way to honor his spirit.”  How beautifully Crosby captured the legacy Jeff left behind, what he instilled in so many.  I’m so deeply grateful at this astonishingly honest and heart felt expression of the impact Jeff had on a developing character. 

Before we left on our trip Shirley O came by with a book by CS Lewis, “A Grief Observed” that helped her through losing her parents.  She included a picture taken at the memorial from the crowd as the doves were being released.  For some reason, seeing the students wearing Triton football jerseys was so poignant to me, so touching.  Reminding me it was so much more then our profoundly personal loss.

It can’t be all sad.  Balancing the tears with laughter seems to cleanse the wound.  Tonight we watched Bedtime Stories and I had many scream-laughs that felt so good.  Gavin kept looking at me with enjoyment at my glee.

Tomorrow the girls are going, reluctantly to say the least, to the Y, so Gavin & I can have some time.  Thinking of mountain biking.  So I better get to bed…I need the rest!!!

I'll try to get the trip pictures posted while it's all still so fresh in our minds and hearts! 

I blinked my eyes and it’s Tuesday already!!!  Before I recount the latest I want to bring something very important to your attention, for your consideration.  I received this email from Cathy S:

Hi Everyone: Please open this attachment and see our beautiful friend Jeff Spear and the amazing drive that is being done in his honor, helping others to help save lives. You all know what a special man Jeff was and an inspiration he was to so many. Our Matthew was blessed to call Jeff his mentor. Please pass along this info to anyone you feel might be interested in becoming a hero and registering to become a bone marrow donor.

Thank you for your consideration and your friendship,
Blessings,
Cathy

(I can’t attach or download the flyer, as it’s a PDF, not JPEG and I’m having trouble converting, so here’s the text)

San Clemente High School

Blood & Marrow Registry Drive

Please help honor teacher Jeff Spear and other patients and families in need, not only in the San Clemente area, but worldwide, by donating blood, joining the Marrow Registry and committing to Donate Life California at this year’s annual Donor Drive at San Clemente High School.

Joining the Marrow Registry requires only a simple cheek swab!

San Clemente High School

Triton Center

700 Avenida Pico

April 2, 2009

8am - 1pm

For more information contact the San Diego Blood Bank:

Maria Huaracha (619)296.6393

To get involved or for more www.sandiegobloodbank.org

information about the BAHBAD

click on “appointments” and enter sponsor code “SCLM”

Foundation visit us at BAHBAD.org

You must be 17 years old, bring identification, and not have donated in the last 8 weeks. Please eat a good meal and drink plenty of fluids before donating blood.

Tissue Typing is an expensive test. Typically the cost to join the Marrow Registry is $52. San Diego Blood Bank Foundation has provided funding for this drive to committed individuals

who wish to join the registry and give hope to patients in need. You must be between the ages of 18 and 60, meet health guidelines, be committed to donating to any patient in need, and be educated and aware of the donation process.

to learn more visit: www.sandiegobloodbank.org • www.marrow.org

 
Gina Cousineau is the driving force behind this event.  You remember the story of her family losing their son, Evan, to a rare disease.  He was able to find a match for a bone marrow transplant but succumbed to complications.

I would sigh up in a heartbeat, but due to my “medical history” am ineligible.  On 4/2 it’s a simple mouth swab to collect genetic tissue.  If a match is found there is the procedure to remove bone marrow.  For anyone concerned about the discomfort of this procedure & dissuading you from joining the registry, I ask you humbly to consider Jeff’s suffering.  It’s a small thing in comparison, with an immense benefit.  Think how good it would feel to save someone’s life!!!  They might grow up to be that teacher like Jeff, making a difference in the world.  Anyway, thank you for your consideration of this worthy drive.

To catch up quickly…Friday 20^th after Jeff’s home gym was picked up I wanted to fill the space with something fun so it didn’t look so empty as another reminder dad was gone.  Dewey’s Appliances had empty refrig & washer/dryer boxes already broken down in their dumpster so I loaded them up for some quality fort building.  Kylee still sobbed when she saw the gym gone, “it was for looking at!” she said.

Gavin & I spent Friday night building the fort condo, with me having at least, if not more, fun with duct tape.  The girls got to contribute where windows would be.  Sat morning I dragged the whole thing out on to the driveway for them to paint.  I tweaked my back moving stuff around in the garage but nothing major, (I thought)!  They dragged blankets and pillows into it and were happily occupied for hours.  Home gym distant memory!

Gavin’s parent teach conference Tuesday gave me such good feelings, hearing how well he’s doing, both academically, and more importantly, socially.  Any parent loves to hear their kid is great, but for us it’s especially rewarding to feel that he is adjusting well emotionally to his loss and that it’s reflected in his interactions with his peers.  I took the kids to Juice It Up as a little treat to recognize how hard he’s been working.  We’re both very grateful to have Mr Colapinto as his teacher.  I think Gavin really wants to prove himself to his teacher and Mr C makes class fun, but balanced with accountability.  Kinda’ like what dad would be doing if he were here.

Tuesday evening Gavin started back wrestling with Coach Cal’s program.  He was so into it!  It was fun to walk around SCHS, but also almost eerie, like there were ghosts of so many memories.  The girls wanted to visit dad’s classroom.  Door was locked but we went up the stairs.  Casey was in his room so we stopped to chat.  Gavin saw that Casey had some lego things in his classroom so when he came home that night he built something to add to his collection.  Coach Cal graciously offered to pick up Gavin for classes, which I think is a great idea once Gavin is a little more comfortable with him.  Coach Cal is such a wonderful role model, and has the warmest heart, Gavin can only benefit by some one on one time with him.  These opportunities for adult male interaction are so important!

Thursday morning I took kids to donut store as a reward for them for their efforts to “tell, don’t yell” this week.  The kids LOVED that they saw so many people they knew; Mrs Payne, The Visca’s, Lisa G, and Cathy S.  Really enriched our morning.

Gaylyn came over after school with her kids.  Gavin was thrilled when he heard they were on their way and ran up to clean his room for their arrival!  Everyone, (all 7) played Hide & Go Seek while Gaylyn & I had some peaceful conversation on the front porch swing.

I over-did more heavy moving, (camping stuff, etc) and paid the price with back spasms.  It hurt to laugh so when Gavin was trying to catch a huge grasshopper, (which I knew was going to jump at the last second), and it landed on him & he started screaming, it was the most painful laugh I can remember!  Beth saved the day with some muscle relaxers, but Friday was still rough.  Kelly made it much better by sending over Lindsey & her friend, Julia, to put the girls to bed so I could go over to her house for a glass of wine and good company.  I came home soooo relaxed, slept really well, and woke feeling right as rain. 

Saturday was special for Gavin with his kindergarten teacher, Miss West taking him to lunch & a movie.  After being with kids all week, for her to take time out of a beautiful day to bring joy to Gavin’s day reflects on the quality of her character!  Our teachers are so important on so many levels, we are blessed to have such high caliber individuals playing influential roles in our lives.  One of the things I loved about Jeff was the way he would selflessly interact with people he met.  He verbalized the importance of asking questions to find out about the other person instead of just talking about ourselves.  So, in preparation for Gavin’s outing, I went through some possible questions he could pose to Miss West.  He came back with many stories so I learned more about her personally, too.

I think he felt good about having a more adult type, interactive conversation versus him going on & on about his Bakugan collection!

Saturday afternoon we loaded up, with Kane, too, and headed up to O’Neil, where Richard & Beth were taking their new camper trailer for a test run.  They like to name things, too, so it was The Pearl, but the kids wanted to call it The Marshmallow in keeping with the camping theme!

The kids, under the watchful supervision of Ryan, took off to explore the creek while us adults wolfed down shrimp cocktails, my favorite campsite appetizer.  I took some cute pictures I’ll download one of these days.  Sunday we were all tired form the late night so it was a do-nothing kind of day, except for all the usual chores and Spring Vacation Yosemite preparations on my part!  During a lull I asked the kids if they wanted to play Hide & Go Seek.  It was sooooo fun, you should try it!  I had the best time hiding from them and trying not to laugh, and then jumping out to scare Gavin when we discovered me.  Lots of laughs and probably the best part of my weekend.  Snuggling Sunday night I told the kids that was what I enjoyed most.  Gavin said going to the movies with Miss West was his favorite!

Oh yeah, last week I picked up the DVD Costco transferred from Hi8 that I thought was going to be me falling off a horse.  Instead, it was Jeff getting his first riding lesson at our friends in Sebastapol.  I sat alone in the back of The Dolphinator in Costco parking lot to watch it.  Gosh we looked so young!  It was probably 1998 or earlier.  Just to hear his voice, his laugh, his sweetness, was powerfully moving.  I could barely bare it.

Also, sometime last week, Sean O stopped by with movies for the kids.  We were able to have some quiet time talking, you guessed it, on the front porch swing!

So that brings us to now.  Lots to do in preparation for departure to Yosemite Sat.  We’ll miss Dave & Becky’s wedding, and celebrating Hurley’s birthday, (it’s Sat the 4^th so wish him a happy one if you see him!), but I need to break the drive into 2 legs.  Looking at pictures of the valley I’m getting excited.  It will be so beautiful.  I’m bringing some of Jeff’s ashes to send over the falls at the top of Vernal Falls.  That’s the one hike I have planned for just Gavin & I, while the Lee’s hang with the girls.  When we hiked to the top of Half Dome, I remember a log resting spot in the area above Vernal Falls that I want to revisit.  Once, Jeff returned from a Sierra hike and told me of a great tree he wanted to show me so we went back to that hike so I could “meet” it.  It feels like keeping the connection with Jeff alive by revisiting a special place.

Well, I better get on to my To Do list, the clock is ticking!  Final light note, I re-named our hallway outside the laundry room that is lined with baskets of clean laundry “The Walk-Through Closet” and let go of the pressure to actually put clothes away!

Music is my air.

I was thinking, “Music saves my soul,”  (from deeper torment).  And then the doorbell rang and it was Linda, returning Gavin’s jacket, and I started telling her how it’s been a rough day but saved by learning a new song on the piano that was like a salve on my wound, and she said music “is my air” and it was perfect.

Gavin DeGraw, Chariot.  Feels like a Spiritual to me.

Oh Chariot, I’m singing out loud

To guide me,

Give me your strength

What it was about this week in particular that shook my ground I can’t place on one thing or another in particular.  Getting kids ready to be dropped at Kelly’s by 7 am 2 days in a row was stressful, sure, and having a few extra very long drives for work didn’t help either – intruding thoughts can’t resist so much quiet space and open vistas.  Reminds me of the coffee percolator I got for camping; the emotions are like the water that boils and bubbles up & then filters back through the grounds to make the brew.  Weird analogy but you know how your mind gets a symbolic visual picture that transcends descriptive words?

Last night Kylee asked me if “zookemia” comes from asthma.  They are collecting pennies for patients so I figured she wanted to know if she could get leukemia.  She said some people make it and some don’t and “my daddy didn’t make it.”  Thanks for the flood gate opener Kylee! 

The nicest guy saw my Craig’s list ad for Jeff’s gym and picked it up this morning.  I sat in the spot it occupied in the garage and surrendered to an engulfing tide of feelings.

At wrung-out point I conceded the only way to get up, (literally), & carry on, was to do something good for someone else, so I put that in motion, and felt a little better.

Many more things to do before girls get home, so I better get going.  Rain this weekend sounds fine to me, since we’re not camping!

Oh yeah, this is how it went last weekend at O’Neil park.  Kylee woke up with stomach flu.  I cancelled whale watching.  Should have cancelled camping, too, but Gavin was already disappointed about missing a boat outing with Fred, and the site was paid for.  Kylee slept in the car while I set up camp.  I had dinner and s’more done at dusk, with time for a little night walk around the campground.  Kylee ate nothing but still managed a midnight run to the bathroom, thankfully right across the street, and a few urping episodes in the tent in the morning.  It was a wet morning so the second the last bite of pancake was swallowed I had everyone except Kylee pitching in to pack us up!  Drove home to a beautiful day in San Clemente!  Tired!

The bright spot in the week was celebrating Shani, Lisa G’s, and Roger, Mathew & Michael ’s birthdays in our own little way.  I found out I missed Lisa’s birthday when I saw Rod in Alb parking lot with balloons for Shani’s birthday, so I left a bouquet of flowers on her doorstep.  Kylee drew a rainbow between 2 clouds for the card.  As I walked away from her door, I looked back and seeing the flowers and card there gave me a lift.

We try to celebrate birthdays by calling the person on the speaker phone.  “Please hold for this important message” and then belting out Happy Birthday song.  The kids love it.  We had to rehearse fitting in Roger, Mathew & Michael, with some discussion if it should be Mathew or Michael after Roger! 

Poor Gavin had to endure “like 20 pinches, MOM” because I didn’t remember green until we were on the way to school!

Today/tonight the Earth tips on it's axis, day & night are of equal length, and days begin to get longer.   Comfort in the predictability of the changing seasons.

Ruthe

And time remembered is grief forgotten

And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,

And in green underwood and cover

Blossom by blossom the spring begins.

     -Algernon Charles Swinburne

A new season, moving farther away from that sorrowful occasion of death, and closer to a time when we will remember the happy times with our beloved Jeff.   We’re still, and always will be I imagine, missing the world the way it used to be, with healthy Jeff dominating our lives with his exuberance.  I miss the image of the future with him in it, too.  The kids may not have that much foresight right now.  Maybe Gavin has a greater sense of future loss.  All the grief literature talks about renewed grief at milestones, when the kids have a greater understanding of their loss developmentally.  Cathy S noticed something in the girls, especially Torrey’s, artwork, referencing dad as Jeff, and even Mr Spear.  We talked about it possibly being a defense mechanism.  Can’t blame her little girl heart one bit.

I glimpsed some of Gavin’s growth recently.  There is a new boy in his class that has experienced more then his share of sadness, too.  His dad died from a heart attack 2 years ago, I'm not sure of mom's role, grandmother raising him diagnosed with lung cancer in Nov, gone in Feb, rescued from imminent foster care by relatives, and starting a new life surrounded by the love of his new family.  I told the kids about him and asked Gavin to introduce himself and help him feel welcome.  Snuggling the other night, Gavin told me he met Jason and “introduced him around.”  I praised his effort and we talked about how that might help him feel more at home in his new life.  Gavin said, “I just want to support someone going through hard times.”  Had we not our own experiences of hard times I don’t think Gavin would have a grasp of that concept.  Gavin said he didn’t mention he had “lost his dad, too” (heartbreaking to hear him say that but I think good for him to say it out loud), and we talked about how that is a big thing to share and he’ll know when the time is right.

Gavin’s teacher, Mr. Colapinto, has been sensitive to Gavin, and consequently is recognizing him in this Friday’s Character Counts assembly for “Caring.”   Don’t expect me to have a dry eye!

Another example of Gavin’s emotional maturity was demonstrated Monday when we came home from art therapy class and Kylee noticed the spa was gone.  She burst into tears and wept inconsolably.  I resisted the urge to try to explain why it made sense that we don’t have it anymore and just let her “be” with her sadness that another link to dad & happy memories was gone.  Gavin came over and whispered in my ear that he thought Kylee would settle down if he brought a movie downstairs for her to watch, (we seldom have the downstairs TV on so it’s a treat).  He offered to bring whatever she wanted in the nicest helpful voice and then brought her a choice of movies.  I endured Charlie & The Chocolate Factory in the name of Kylee’s comfort!  At one point I took some cute flip video’s of them all dancing to the Agustus Gloop song.  I tried downloading some video clips onto this site but when I couldn’t figure it out and had to resort to reading directions I moved on instead.  One of these days I’ll have the focus.

Saturday, the girls teacher, Mrs Martz took them to Chuck E Cheese while I went to Becky’s bridal shower.  It was soooo nice  to see SCHS friends and Kris’ family, (Dave’s family) at a party that wasn’t July 4^th!  It was a lovely & fun luncheon at Lisa’s beautiful, art filled home.  Totally cool, and a perfect day for Becky’s visiting from Chicago mom & friend to enjoy!

Erika made a great game of questions for us to answer from Dave’s perspective and then played a DVD she made interviewing Dave with questions.  Very sweet.  Of course I thought about Jeff and what his answers would be.  I had to leave early to get home for the girls and barely made it to the car before the tears started.  We had such an amazing love.  I guess Kris’s mom caught a look on my face watching the dvd because she called the next day to talk to me about it.

There was also a really weird realization I had after I stumbled answering Becky’s friends question about how I knew Becky & Dave.  “Late husband” was probably the appropriate term.  Stuck with me all day.  Unbelieving it’s me, the widow.

I got to be me, the grateful friend, taking a beach trail walk with Kelly & Kerry.  Perfect day to be out & about laughing and feeling the openness of the ocean.  Their company and patter lightened the weightiness I was feeling.

Hoping to help the kids feel light, I got a karaoke game for the PS3, Sing Star, and some used dvd’s for it.  Haven’t tried it out yet. I think I need to run an upgrade on the PS3 based on reading I’ve been doing on line about it freezing or not reading blue ray & Gavin saying games don’t play.  That was one piece of advice Jeff gave me as he moved closer to his end – go on line and pose the question.  Totally helped with the dryer not working.  Saved an appliance guy house call by going straight to a duct cleaning company.  Works like a charm now!

Anyway, another thing to get to.

Really looking forward to celebrating Shani’s birthday tonight with a bunch of her great friends.  We’re going out to dinner at the Spectrum.  Oh, what to wear???!!!  Everyone else is heading over to The Improv but I’m coming home to be rested up for the weekend activities.  Kelly’s daughter, Lindsey, will be hanging with the kids while I’m gone. 

Kelly has been there for us recently in the mornings I’ve had to drop the kids before school to make it to early meetings.  You know who your friends are when you feel comfortable asking to give them 3 more kids @ 7 am!!!  I have 2 more of those days next week.  Hard, but Kelly makes them feel welcome in her home and in her heart.  When the girls heard I had taken a beach trail walk with her they were so mad they missed out on it.  They told me they wanted to take a walk with her, and NOT me.

Sat morning Fred is taking us out on his boat for a few hours to maybe see some whales! From there we head up to O’Neil Park to camp again.  Won’t be quite as warm as last time, but still nice to get away and have good times!  This time with a camp stove coffee pot!

The excitement this week is Kylee’s injury.  The Y called me Wed to say she had fallen on the playground and complained her arm really hurt.  Torrey could lose an arm and not miss a beat, so I didn’t give it much thought once I had her bend everything, saw there was not bruise and no swelling.  Heeding Beth’s advice to check it out anyway, if for no other reason then to not hear about it for years to come, I took Kylee up to Dr on Thursday and joked I hoped she did break something to get our money’s worth out of the $25 co-pay.  Plain as day on the X-ray I saw her little forearm bone cracked!  She got a half cast so she can take it off for showers, but is not happy one bit with the whole cast thing.  It’s a pain to have her not able to do much for herself again, but I’m sooooo glad  it was discovered and treated correctly.

With that, I feel so appreciative of her wonderful pediatrician, and everyone who took such good care of her that day.  Grateful we have medical care available, and coverage. 

One last gift this week.  Going through garage stuff, looking for camping gear, I came across an instamatic camera that expired in 05.  I picked up the pictures & was blessed with 2 great, great pictures with Jeff in them.  It was from a day at Wild Rivers.  One was with Gavin between us, and the other one Gavin must have taken, of just us.  Treasured reminders of his vitality and presence in our lives.  Spending so much energy creating a life without Jeff, it was very sweet to see something “new” that included him.

Much Love,

Ruthe

A new month, with official Spring to celebrate soon.  Not looking forward to losing an hour of sleep turning the clocks forward next week, though!

A better week, it’s been.  Since last post, Kelly brought over pizza and her support, her warmest of hearts.  A few days before Jeff died she & Sara H of Fired Up, and mom of girl’s classmate, Justin, brought over clay for kids and I to do handprints with Jeff.  Oh God, here I go crying again, just thinking about it.  Anyway, Thursday night Kelly brought over the finished prints in beautiful, keepsake boxes.  The kids were ocean themed, and mine said Live Well, Laugh Often, Love More.  Perfect sentiments Jeff’s life exemplified.

I was still shaky emotionally so wasn’t sure if I was up to seeing them but the kids were very interested.  Torrey’s plaque said, “I Love My Daddy”, Kylee’s, “Daddy & Me”, Gavin’s, “Sierras Forever”, and mine, “You Complete Me.”  It was very moving to see Jeff’s hand print with the kids and ours crossed so our thumbs made a heart.  I am incredibly grateful for the effort and love that went into the idea and execution of these treasured keepsakes for our family.  The kids were a little sobered but also very intently possessive of them.  I think they need to be framed in a picture box so they are out in the open and part of their lives, reminding them of their bond with their dad, even though he’s not here.  That’s one of the things therapy strives to accomplish – give them/us a sense that our relationship didn’t end with Jeff’s death. 

In his spirit of enthusiastic go-for-it-ness, I took Friday afternoon off to throw together our camping gear and loaded us up Sat morning to camp at O’Neil park.  It was theeeee most beautiful weekend, and it sounded so good to get away from these 4 walls, chores, reminders of what’s missing, and get into nature to reconnect with elemental feelings.  Big sky, fresh air, beauty.  Holy Jim Creek was flowing enough for the kids to tromp around in & float boats through little “rapids”.  They were ecstatic when they climbed over the hill for their first view of the creek and couldn’t believe it was ok to get in it.  I brought Gavin’s bag of army men so he completely lost himself in creating a little battlefield.  We rode our bikes to the playground where Torrey got a world class splinter in her foot – but you know Torrey, it didn’t slow her down for a second.  It’s still in there, and killing me that she won’t let me operate on it!  Gavin caught a lizard that promptly died of fright.

Jantzen, the kids cousin-in-law, (Beth’s brother’s son), rode up on his mountain bike.  They live in Trabuco and he was finishing up a 25 mile training ride.  He helped put the tent up.  It was really sweet, while everyone was playing with the poles as we built the tent the kids were all singing John Denver Almost Heaven West Virginia (thank you karaoke – I pulled up YouTube before we left for camping so it was fresh on their minds). Then Jantz said something that swelled my heart with love, like, “When I’m around most kids I think I don’t want to have kids, but when I’m around yours, I think I might want to.”  This from a 16 yr old is highest praise.

Late afternoon Kris & Mason came up for dinner.  They brought already baked potatoes and I BBQ’d dogs and steak.  Gavin said it was the best steak he had ever eaten, (secret is in the marinade).  His comment was gratifying because BBQ’ing was symbolic to me.  Always Jeff’s job, it held a certain amount of mystery and an element of intimidation.  Turns out, there’s nothing to it!  Or as my friend said, “easy enough even a guy can do it!”  So another thing I can show the kids we will still do and a confidence builder for me.

Dinner had that eating outdoors goodness to it and having Kris & Mason there added to it’s enjoyability.  Jantz & his super neat girlfriend, Emily, walked to our camp & he cranked up the fire – a bundle of cedar we picked up earlier from Jud’s – for ultimate s’mores.  I made mine with dark chocolate and they were dee-vine!  Torrey said her favorite part was Jantz & Emily showing up.  When I tucked her into bed in the tent she whispered, “say goodnight to Jantz for me,”  and was out like a light.

Cold enough night that I thought I should have brought the real sleeping bags, not just lots of blankets!

Sunday morning I learned a lesson about trying things out before needing them.  I was all excited that The Dolphinator had a plug for the coffee maker, but didn’t know until I read the manual Sunday morning that appliances that take a surge will not work.  No coffee was not an option!  The kids hung in the tent giggling and playing while I drove the 2 minutes to the corner store.  Whew, dodged that potential disaster!

Jantz rode over Sunday morning to take Gavin on a trail ride while I broke camp.  Next time Gavin will help.  It’s enough work that another person helping makes a difference.  When they returned Jantz said Gavin did really well.  It was soooo cool of Jantz to take him on that ride.  Gavin has been wanting to ride with him for a while, and having that experience without his mom, just he & Jantz, meant a lot to him.  I could see the sense of accomplishment in his flushed face and sparkling eyes.  Driving home he wanted to put his seat back so he could rest!  But when we got home and he called Alec to tell him all about the trip he was invited to San Diego Wild Animal park with Alec, so off he went with the second wind of a 9 yr old!

I was so high from the sheer fun of the weekend, although there were a few moments when the tear caught in my throat as I watched the kids playing happily and carefree, and missed Jeff so deeply.  Thinking of him sharing the burden of the workload, and sharing the joyousness that comes with parenting.

While I was unloading the gear Kelly came by with a bag of build-a-bear outfits and accessories – SCORE!  The girls were in hoggy heaven!  (Monday Gavin also had his fun dressing his favorite stuffed animal.  I think it’s so cool a 9 yr old boy can still find pleasure in something so sweet.)

Neighbors Kelly V, Christine, & Christy came over in the afternoon to plant 2 rose bushes.  One is named Pink Promise, chosen to represent the National Breast Cancer Foundation as they search for a cure, and the other is named Sentimental, and is for Jeff’s remembrance.  Seeing these 3 ladies digging in our front area brought a smile to my face.  Anytime I’m reminded of the family nature of our neighborhood I’m heartened.  There are those quiet nights alone, but balanced by time in the company of people whose care strengthens me to get through those nights.  Every time I chat with other moms, like Alec’s mom Meg, who has semi-adopted Gavin, to Giao, Gavin’s other home away from home, to running into Jeanne or Sara, SCMontesorri mom’s, in Alb, I come away taller and stronger in my conviction that we’re part of a bigger picture, the mosaic that makes up our experience of life.

Riding the camping high, I booked another Sat night there in a few weeks while water is still in the creek.  I also booked the RV for Yosemite over Spring Break!  I need to show kids pictures of Yosemite so they can get that feeling of grandeur when they see the epic scale of rock formations in person.  The Lee family is going to join us for at least part of the trip, and that makes it even better!  I might have to dig some pictures out of an earlier Spring Vacation trip to Yosemite, meeting Richard & Beth up there, when I was 17 and they we high school sweethearts.  Richard’s yellow Baja Bug and my VW van.  As Kane would say, “Good Times, Good Times.”

So, more good times to look forward to.  We can’t banish the sorrow skulking around the edges of our life but we can try to live by my bumper sticker motto: Happy Happens. 

I’ve been keeping little notes on all the things to include when I finally get around to updating, but the wind got knocked out of my sails yesterday with news a friend’s mammogram came back positive after 5 years cancer free.  It’s like a punch in the stomach that brings you to your knees, and everything else falls away except for the beast that is fear , broken free from it’s chains with a vengence.  It adds another layer of anxious urgency to everything that is already supercharged.

I try to rein in the galloping thoughts that threaten to paralyze my thoughts and actions, and focus, FOCUS, on the present, the gift, of the now moment, but it’s so difficult.

That being said, there are so many little neat things going on that have helped me stay sane.

Some have wondered about the car they see parked in our driveway.  Our next door neighbor, Lisa, got a company car but her current car still has some time left on the lease and a full garage so I was really glad to let them use the space we don’t need.  Matt has been mowing our lawn for forever now it seems, so this little thing that helps them also helps me feel good doing something for them.

Last weekend Janell moved closer to us, into Villagio.  Gavin was at Alec’s so I put the seats down in the Dolphinator and took 3 loads of misc stuff from her old house to the new one.  An excuse to see Janell, and do something purposeful that didn’t have anything to do with our life!  Later, when I told my brother I was cleaning baseboards to avoid dealing with some other stuff he called it “productive procrastination.”  I love it!

Another positive development was all of us eating the same meal.  I’ve been trying to find healthy things they will all eat so this was a huge milestone.  Baked Ziti, SALAD!, edamame, and strawberrys. 

Had a lot of fun with cousin Ryan’s Xbox and Alec’s Karaoke game, Lips.  It is such a crack up watching Gavin sing.  He’s so into it!  Another fun thing we’ve been doing is videoing and watching our antics on the big TV.  I forgot how much the kids love to see themselves and we’ve got some really cute footage.  Gavin doing the light saber routine with a hockey stick, Kylee’s now-famous quote “chocolate poop”, and on & on.  I need to get inspired to try downloading some on this site.

Came across the video I have always thought had America’s Funniest Home Video’s potential, me getting thrown off a horse.  I want to show the kids but we don’t have the Hi8 camcorder anymore.  Probably should just take it to Costco to convert to DVD, huh?

Well, yesterday was the kids first of 4, Art Bereavement Therapy workshops.  Gavin wasn’t thrilled to go but was enticed by the offer of dinner at the mall food court afterwards, since the art studio is across the freeway on Crown Valley.  There was a middle school aged boy who lost a friend in a skateboarding accident, and a girl whose grandpa died, in the class with them.  They made a collage out of magazine pictures commemorating Jeff.  On the back of Gavin’s he wrote “Remembering Jeff.”   They all really liked it and were in very good spirits after class.  This may be reading too much into it, but that night, tucking the girls in, Torrey got herself into tears because she wanted to do one more Brain Quest question.  But once she started her fake cry I heard a new, different cry, too.  Kind of deeper is the only way I can explain it.  Maybe her voice is growing up more, or maybe, just maybe, some sadness was getting out that was unrelated to her disappointment over Brain Quest.  I’ve read creativity utilizes/accesses emotional parts of the brain/heart that all the talking in the world can’t reach, so who knows.

I came across a good line in my reading about kids and grief, something about it sometimes being easier to follow kids then to try to lead them through the process.  The other night Kylee bumped her head, and as with pretty much every event that starts the tears ended with her wailing for daddy.  I sat holding her on the couch as the storm of sadness waged, and then we took turns talking about all the wonderful things we loved and missed about dad.  Tears streaming down my face, I definitely modeled good grieving behavior!  She goes through her “daddy used to…” list and one thing she really misses is taking showers with him.  She asked if I would take a shower with her and said, “I don’t care what your body looks like…”  My heart squeezed so painfully tight.  I’m not ready to go let them know about yet another thing cancer has taken.  When I shared Kylee’s lament with Kelly she recommended a Bathing Suit Bubble Bath with Mom event.  Bless her heart again and again for such a great idea.  Sunday night the girls were all excited about putting their suits on and taking a shower/tub in their bathroom.  They never use their bathroom, but it’s a nice little room to heat up with steam.  We had so much fun. I’m forever grateful to Kelly for the perfect suggestion.

 Snuggling with Gavin I mentioned it was probably hard for him to hear Kylee in such a state and tried to explain it was natural, OK, & even good to let those feelings out, so if he ever felt like that, there was no need to try to be strong for me, because it was how I felt a lot of the time, too, and I don’t expect him to not have those feelings.  Hopefully, it wasn’t all blah blah blah to him.

He has been so super lately.  The other night Kylee said “I Love you, Gavin” and he replied “thanks” in the sweetest voice, instead of a more typical, “yeah, right, whatever.”  Later I told him my heart about exploded out of my chest to hear him be like that with his sister.

We had a family meeting last week to discuss the theme of respect.  For each other & our home.  A preamble to the “Job” list I presented.  I noted when I asked Torrey to water the big plant in our house she yelled excitedly to Kylee, “I have a job!”  I thought, there’s plenty more where that came from, so here we are, trying out a new program of everyone taking part in keeping The Spear Family running.  There’s the House Job, (laundry help & living room pillows/blankets responsibility), the Dolphinator Job, (cleaning out the car regularly – I’m hoping after each take a turn at it they will self police so that it doesn’t end up looking like a bomb exploded in it by the end of the week), & the Kitchen Job, (empty dish washer).  So far, so good, but it’s a lot of work to train them, without sounding like a nag, and to resist doing it myself!

Besides Art class last night, this week has more fun stuff to look forward to: Thursday get together with Kathy, my old boss, and some mtn bike riding with Jud, while my car gets worked on in RSM, and then Kelly & family are coming over for pizza dinner!  Leave it to Kelly to know I could use the support this week after the devastating news of my friend’s continued fight. 

This weekend the spa is being picked up.  I can’t maintain it and we don’t use it, so no need to have that reminder of many wonderful evenings relaxing with Jeff after the kids were tucked in.  He so loved reading his cycling mags in there, too, till they got soggy from the steam! 

Another separation from how it was, another step forward how it is.  Letting go & moving on. 

Of all things, I watched the final episode of Housewives of OC Friday night.  I know, I know, pathetic, but mindless distraction.  Anyway, Gretchen’s fiancé passed away from Leukemia.  Knew it was coming, but I still felt so sad for her, and for me, too.  I don’t know why I feel embarrassed to admit it, but I went on line after the show to see if she had a blog where I could leave her a message and ended up reading all the notes everyone else had left.  Most very supportive, and it was helpful to me to hear what these women had to say to her about losing a loved one.  I ended up not leaving my own message.  Next thing you know I’ll be voting for Dancing with the Stars!

Well, I’ll pause here.  As lonely and melancholy I feel now & then I’m brightened by seeing friends we love, and feel loved by, family BBQ’s and making plans, music & art, productive distracting work, the warmth of the sun on my face, (went for a short mtn bike ride to the water tower Thursday and it was blissful after all the rain.  The dreary weather matched my internal funk so the clear, wide open blue skies lightened my mood  considerably, along with some fresh air in my blood!).

Warmly,

Where did the last week & ½ go?  When I think about how quickly the recent time passes I also have to pause and remember it’s been over 3 months now Jeff’s been gone.  As hard as that is to fathom, it’s harder still to comprehend the vastness of our loss.  

We’ve all been fighting colds these last few weeks so I haven’t had the energy or motivation to stay current here.  Nothing too noteworthy going on really.  Last weekend we had scheduled to go to Disneyland since the fuzzy ball jar was full.  It was possibly the last thing I wanted to do in the rain, not feeling well at all, but I didn’t want to disappoint the kids.  Sean O went with us so he and Gavin could go off on their own.  Sean was such a good sport with the kids.  It actually was fine for the most part, but we were out of there by 2 and I couldn’t wait to get home and plop.  Plus, it’s not true what they say about Disneyland not being crowded in the rain.  I’m not a fan of crowds, and these were wet crowds! 

Next reward kids have chosen is Build a Bear.  We have a gift certificate, and Gavin has always wanted to go there!  Torrey pushed for Sea World, but that destination sounds more fun in warmer weather.

Had planned to go up to Jeff’s Aunt & Uncle’s house in Lompoc for our first road trip this weekend.  Stopping at Carpinteria State Park for a visit to “squirrel alley” and to ride our bikes around was looked forward to, but with the weather forecast for rain Shirley wisely suggested we postpone.  A big relief for me since I’m just starting to feel better and get some energy back.

Last night Ryan stayed over with the kids while I went over to Shani’s for some much anticipated karaoke action with Margie & Mac, too.  What fun.  What laughs.  Dancing, singing, drinking wine, marveling at their talent, and facing the fact I think I sound a lot better singing in my car! 

Today was so glorious in its warmth and sunshine.  With more rain forecasted soon we had to get out in it for a bit.  I tried to make V-day a little special for the kids with Carl’s Jr for breakfast, (their favorite).  I gave them little kid sized Starbucks red hearts travel mugs for their “vanilla milk” so we walked over to Alb Starbucks and they were tickled pink.  Just cruising around in the warm morning sunshine was a mood lifter.  With the full moon recently and impending Valentine’s Day I was on shaky ground.  But last night really shored me up, and some quality unstressed time with the kids felt great.

Came home to a very sweet card and thoughtful gift from the Delanty’s.  I always feel like we’re held close in their thoughts and hearts.  A few weeks back they had given me a flyer about a Grief Recovery Workshop at their church.  Lynn volunteered to watch the kids and Rick said he would attend with me.  I had plans for that day, and I also wasn’t quite up for working on my journey.  But their willingness to be there for me meant so much.

Kelly, her son, James, the girls & I, (& Kirby – their dog), took a leisurely stroll on the beach trail.  It’s been too long since I’ve seen the sun sparkle on the water.  Having a few moments conversation with Kelly is always a big treat for me.  She reminds me of warm bread – you get a whiff and feel good inside.

I’ve been doing a very litte reading here and there of some comforting books, and of a good kid grief book Mickey recommended.  The 2 books I relate to and find solace in are A Grace Disguised, and Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief.  Both clarify unverbalized feelings I have.  You know where you’re reading along and have moments of recognition and find yourself nodding in agreement, glad someone could string the words together.

I was reading the latest Oprah where a singer who had lost his entire family to genocide at 17 said this, “I had their love for 17 years.  I don’t have them anymore, but I still have their love.”

And so to remember, honor, and cherish our love today I share these poems we gave each other on Valentine’s Day. 

I drew a picture of half dome in the background and 2 trees side by side, interlaced.

Love & harmony combine

And around our souls entwine

While thy branches mix with mine

And our roots together join.

His to me was a simple declaration

I Love You

For all we’ve shared

And for all we have yet to experience

I Love You

For all you’ve shown me

And for all we have discovered side by side

I Love You

For all you are

And for all we are together.

I hope our children can find such a love as the one we shared.  Uncomplicated, unconditional, and totally appreciative.

Today, if not every day in some way, look into the eyes of someone for whom you care and let them know you’re glad they are there.  It’s what Jeff did so well.

“Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.”

Has it been a week since last update?  I keep thinking of things to note, but we’ve all been sick and the energy level for writing has been low.

A few things I remember happening worthy of mention:

• Saturday afternoon 3 HS girls, Christina, Layla, & Nessa came over to be with the girls so Gavin & I could meet Chip to ride Aliso Woods.  Gavin rode a new trail, challenging his skills and confidence on Coyote Run.  He did well and more importantly, really enjoyed the single track.
• Friday after work kids got another head lice shampoo treatment.  I was already way behind in laundry so adding all the bedding in the house didn’t start my weekend off on a happy note.  We did have an enjoyable evening anyway, celebrating Giao’s birthday at her parents house in RSM.  Our arrival was a surprise for her.  Other nice guests, and authentic Vietnamese food.  Kids rampaged upstairs so it was refreshing to have social adult conversation.
• Saturday morning dawned beautiful so I abandoned the depressing disaster of a house and packed up the kids with a picnic breakfast at Hole in the Fence.  I roller bladed around while they played in the sand.  At one point Gavin took the girls over the railroad bridge, making sure I saw him holding Kylee’s hand.  He was really great playing with them, encouraging Torrey to jump across this crevasse and then giving her high five’s for making it.  We left the beach to go to San Juan Equestrian Center where Sandy & her daughter, Kelsey met us.  We met their horse Junior, brush and bathed him.  Girls were captivated, Gavin was bored stiff.  Later Beth told me boys don’t get horses.  Torrey really wanted to ride him, but that didn’t end up happening.  
• Stopped in to SCCyclery to get my bike shock pumped and talked with Susan Cuchessi for a little bit.  Her response to my “how ya’ doin’” echoed what I hear myself saying, “hangin in there.”  It’s been around 6 months since her lifelong husband, John, died suddenly.
• One night snuggling with the girls, Torrey asked, “how do you get pregnant?”  And then in the same conversation Kylee tells me Torrey kissed Jack at school that day!  Today when I picked up the girls Jack told me he and Torrey were going to get married when they grew up.  Very funny!
• Got a transcendent swim in today.  (Almost) couldn’t have been more perfect.
• Cathy S dropped in to enliven our afternoon.  Talking to her probably motivated me to get back to writing!
• Kylee was coughing constantly today, for over 6 hrs, like an asthma attack, and worked herself into throwing up, so I called our resident expert, Giao, who brought over some prednisone.  Within ½ hour KyKy was asleep.  I was really starting to stress because I can’t miss a big appointment at work tomorrow.  (Why can’t our children’s illnesses be more convenient??? J ) Giao offered to be the local mom if school or the Y called, or if I needed a prescription picked up.  It’s that notion of taking a village to raise a child in action!  I was markedly calmer after she left. 
• Another day when I have more time & energy I’ll tell you about the most touching English Composition paper written by Krosby, likening Jeff to the teacher in Dead Poets Society. 

Well, I certainly need some solid rest so I’m “hittin’ the hay.”

Ruthe

Winding down another full weekend.

Thank you everyone who rejoiced with me on good health report.  Moving forward I ask for your consideration on 2 things: Please don’t bring up my physical health status with any kids around, and that means anywhere in the house, (because you know how Gavin likes to lurk).  The last thing they need is to perceive are any issues related to mom.  The other thing is, although I’m currently elated, I feel really uncomfortable being asked about, & talking about, my physical health.  Let’s just say if there is anything I want you to know I will share it with you.  No qualms discussing mental, emotional, or spiritual health, though!  I love when you ask how I’m feeling and then listen as I share where I’m at, where I’ve been lately, and where I hope to go!

Along those lines, I got some books to help me do my best as it relates to the kids.  Topics: Single Parenting, activities to facilitate grief expression for children, a book to help me understand how losing a parent impacts kids at different stages of their lives, etc.  And while I was at it I got Blue Planet Ocean DVD that absolutely captivates Gavin. We watched some last night & I was astounded by the marvels of nature.  He was so happy that I was in to watching it with him.  Angler fish are his latest obsession!  It’s nice to have some accessible brain energy to focus on learning and improving.

This past week seemed to mark progress forward.  I think getting back in the water helped, as well as picking up the guitar and singing s few new songs, and a few old favorites.  There is something about certain chord progressions that just feel so good.

I felt stable enough to open some more cards.  It’s so emotional reading the messages and being reminded of the immensity of our loss, but it wasn’t as wrenching as the last time. Like Kris described, the edges don’t seem quite as sharp.  I was able to focus more on the words of support and be comforted and reminded of his wonderfulness.

Had a classic moment with Gavin, playing Can You Guess What I’m Thinking game we play at night snuggling.  We take turns giving each other hints about a topical word or phrase till we give up or get it.  Gavin asked for a hint, and instead of giving him one I accidentally blurted out the word (alligator), and the second we both realized it we had the biggest belly laugh.  His glee sounded like the purest stream tumbling over rocks.  And then we would catch our breath and he would say alligator again and we would dissolve into laughter again.  It was such an elemental experience.  Although nothing can ever replace Gavin’s loss, I hope a part of him realized he could still experience that kind of laughter and a lightness in spite of his heavy heart.

Having the Young’s over with dinner Wed night felt very homey.  Friday night I called Erika to invite her to listen to live music next weekend and ended up inviting her over for my crockpot concoction, some wine, conversation, and a movie.  Gavin was at Alec’s and the girls went down early.  Not the best movie choice, but the company was perfect. 

Saturday morning the girls in their pj’s, & I, went down to Lisa G’s house for pancake breakfast.  The kids played companionably while we chatted.  Best pancakes!

Weekend highlight was the Hurley family over for dinner Saturday night.  A++.  Part of it was a feeling of normalcy.  Very relaxed and fun.  Great kids.  Sparkling conversation with Dana, making plans.

Sunday I took Gavin, Alec, Ryan and Makaela to Inkheart.  I loved the movie!  I think the last theatre movie I saw was Casino Royale, and the last movie I saw with Gavin was Cars!!!

Sunday afternoon Kim, Clay, and their 2 boys came over.  They brought season passes to Sea World, SD Zoo, and tickets for Legoland, so we have lots of really great places to go this year!

Oh yeah, and speaking of places to go, Richard & Beth talked me into the Strawberry Music Festival this summer.  4 days of camping, live music, and all sorts of fun things for the kids.  I wasn’t sure about it, even though they go every summer & rave about how fun it is, so I checked out the pictures of last year on line and thought it looked pretty darn cool.  Now that the girls are getting older we can expand our activities.  Road trip!

So, with all this positive activity and feelings of groundedness, I got a call from Hurley letting me know Jeff was voted Teacher of the Year, and I totally fell apart.  Talk about upwelling.  The news was so bittersweet, bringing powerful feelings to the surface.  I haven’t mentioned it to the kids yet.  I wanted to wait till I could share it with them in a way that wasn’t so charged emotionally.  I wonder if Gavin will experience the same pride mixed with sadness that dad’s not here to be recognized for his achievement.

My thoughts are bouncing all over the place now with considerations of  what our lives are now and how they will continue to unfold, but the reality of school lunches needing to be made before everyone gets up is the priority so I better get going!

Love To You,

Before I do any more celebrating, I want to stop down & let everyone know my Dr’s appt went great!  No issues, no concerns. 

I was a complete nervous wreck yesterday, worrying.  You know that sick to your stomach, hands shaking kind of feeling?  Two emails came across from different directions, both with news of friends fighting for their lives against insidious breast cancer, and I couldn’t help but think, as my dad used to say, “There but for the Grace of God, go I.”  My heart is so sad for them, and it served to greatly intensify my fears and anxiety.

Deepest, eternal thanks to Kelly, for going with me to my appt, and to those other precious friends who also asked if I needed support/company today.  Again and again it reinforces my belief that I wouldn’t be where I am today, in this good place, without them in our lives.

I have lots of other stuff to write about when I get a chance to settle down, but right now my priority is what I need to do to help my brave friends keep their courage up and how I can assist them on a practical level, so I gotta’ go...

Rejoicing Tempered with Humility,

Chart topping weekend.  Maybe even a little off the scale!

Friday was so busy with work stuff, but the weekend started when Cathy S dropped by.  I had been tentatively planning on taking the kids to the pier for the sunset since it was so nice of a day, and she was totally up for it, too.  We had beverages @ Fisherman’s and then got everyone home, fed, and tucked in pretty much on schedule, without too much fuss.

Gavin spent the night at Nicky’s but after I dropped the girls at the SCHS Dance Clinic I called to see if he wanted to do some fun stuff with mom, and was delighted he was up for it.  We rode mountain bikes to the water tower, getting in a little single track action!  I’m trying to build his bike handling skills and confidence on trails so we can explore more of what Aliso Woods has to offer.  From biking to the pool, for some laps and play.  He was so light hearted I was really glad I made the decision to include him on the morning instead of just heading off by myself.  I really enjoyed his company and being able to focus on him alone.

We went to the high school to watch the girls 1 minute performance, (60 seconds of adorability!).  They had a ball & I had a chance to talk to some of the faculty, like Mike C, who is the faculty advisor.  He had an important message for the kids about doing well in school and working hard learning something they loved.  The girls had a wonderful experience, and spent the rest of the day singing and dancing one of the ditty’s they learned.

It was such a beautiful day.  I was thinking of taking the kids to the beach, but as we were getting home our neighbors, the Clarks, were pulling out to go to San O with their kids & paddleboards.  I had been wanting to try it so I invited us to meet them there.  We picked up Alec, for Gavin to play with at the beach, and only had to wait in line for about 15 minutes to get in.  Worth every second!  Classic conditions.  Fun trying the paddle board surfing, but I really would have rather been surfing.  After I got out of the water with the board I went back in and floated on my back in my full suit in the shallow water, letting the waves break over me.  Bliss.  Kids had a great time, too, & I felt like the afternoon at San O had a timeless feel to it.  Jeff & I were regulars there in the early 80’s when I was at Saddleback & waitressing at night and he worked night crew.

I told the girls how surfing San O was mom & dad’s first date and I knew that day I was going to share the road of life with an amazing person.  Later in the evening, snuggling, Torrey suggested we scatter some of dad’s ashes at San O since it was such a special place for us.  Wow, what a kid.

Gavin spent the night at Alec’s so after tucking in the girls I had some reflective/contemplative time in front of the fireplace.  I can’t remember when I last felt so unwound & decompressed.  Previously unaccounted for muscle groups were worked out, with that tingly feeling, my mind was relaxed, and my heart was full.  As I fell asleep I felt like warm, rich, heavy chocolate pudding, all soft.

But my alarm was set for 7 am because Krosby was coming over to watch the girls so I could surf with Denise!  I wasn’t sure I would be able to roll out of bed, but I was so excited by the prospect of surfing the adrenaline did it’s job.  That and some blaring music blasting down the freeway!

What a perfect morning!!!  Met Neesie @ Trail 6, where she greeted me with a birthday balloon and a gift of work out tops, just what I need, and then bumped into Michael M, a  friend from work.  I knew he dawn patrolled Trail 6 on Sundays but we had never crossed paths.  Turns out Denise also knew him because she gets out in the water pretty early.

So, great conditions, not too big.  Could have been a tad more consistent but I was just so dang happy to be out there!  Now I’m thoroughly worked out, and filled up.  Only need to put the house together for the work week before heading over to the Lee’s for spa and BBQ.

With many parts of the country under deep snow drifts I hope you are able to soak up some of this wonderful weather and experience that feeling of the moment being a precious gift. 

Where does the time go? From that last Thursday the full moon Friday was a toughie.  For some reason, just overflowing with sadness.  Gavin was at Alec’s for the night, thank you Meg, so I allowed myself to fall asleep with the girls.  I was planning an “on demand” movie of some distractive sort, but it felt so cozy snuggling, I surrendered!

Sat morning Kylee turned on the digital picture frame and us girls sat and watched.  KyKy & I shed some tears, too.  Nothing from Torrey, still.

Jeanne & Kaia came over with a big bag of girl clothes so that was fun to see them, and the girls delight in all the cute stuff.  I love being around Jeanne’s energy but they were on a mission so didn’t stay long.

Saturday shaped up with some fun pool time with the Lee’s.  I got in some laps – felt sooo good.  The best part was seeing Janell, Krosby and Lacey there unexpectedly.  Swirls yogurt got us through the late afternoon.  I have no recollection of the evening! J

Sunday Kris took me down to the harbor for birthday brunch while Mason watched the kids, and then hung out with us.

Monday, one of the best mornings with the kids.  Everyone got out of the house very relaxed.  Tuesday, not so much, (except for Gavin – he’s been great).  Kylee isn’t feeling well.  Can’t tell if it’s allergies, asthma, or a cold, so she was pitiful.  She came home from school and took a 2 hr nap.  Everyone was up for the SCHS girls varsity basketball game to watch Lacey play.  Janell had told the kids she was working the snack bar so they knew what that meant!  I tried to fill them with a good dinner before we left.  Seeing so many friends in one place was worth the late & frazzled bed time.  Hurley, Dorothy, Grandma LuLu, and Kylee’s favorite, Graham T!  Dave & Leebist took the kids over to the wrestling room and ran them ragged!  Or was it the other way around?  Even had a cousin Ryan sighting!  We left very light hearted so I was really glad we went.

When I dropped the girls  I noticed their classroom bulletin board with Torrey’s new year resolution: to ride a horse.  Jeff’s awesome hospice nurse, Sandy, had mentioned her daughter has a horse and would love to show it to the girls so I gave her a call.  Hopefully this weekend, or the next!

Kylee was up all night coughing and had a fever this morning so I worked at home with her.  She perked up, but there was no way I would have gotten away with sending her to school and then the Y.   After lunch I got a call from the school that Gavin had “tripped” playing football and hit his head.  He was willing to forego a planned play date with Alec to come home and rest, so I figured he needed it.  No video games & no TV make for a pretty quick recovery!

Well, that’s about enough minutia from here.  Tomorrow I meet with Mickey and hope to do some relaxing visualizations.  I’m getting more anxious about my check up appt next week.  It takes so much energy to push away the fear that gets more intense as the appointment approaches.  It’s like living in 3 month increments, trying to do as much as possible in that time, till the next reprieve.  I want to make reservations for the Strawberry Music Festival in Aug, but the Jeff-superstitious part of me doesn’t want to jinx myself.  Crazy, I know, but that’s what a chronic, life-threatening illness will do to you!

Speaking of Jeff, I wished he was around the other day so I could tell him he was right, again, as usual, as I was cleaning out/organizing the container cupboard. One of a very few differences of opinion on how things should be done -  I had liked to keep tops together and bottoms together.  He liked to put the tops on the bottoms.  I finally saw the wisedom of his system after searching too long for matching tops & bottoms.  God, I miss him, so much.  So, if you have a loved one that has an annoying habit, or something like the container cupboard dispute, I recommend you look at it from a humorous & loving perspective.  I realize now how easy it is to give and be generously accomodating instead of steadfast & self-centered.

With that, I’m out of thoughts.

Love is The Answer,

“It’s really difficult not having a daddy.”

Kylee’s quote this evening at tuck in.  All I could do was agree with her wholeheartedly as my voice broke and I tried to finish reading the Octopus book.  We were reminiscing about the octopus we saw at Trail 3 Christmas Eve 2007.  Torrey was asking if dad was sick then.  I didn’t want to remind her I was between chemo treatments.  What we did talk about was how perfect & fun the day was.  The Lee’s had met us there with Pedros Mexican food that we ate at the big group camp area as the kids played.  We hiked down the trail and had the beach to ourselves, low tide tidepools teeming with life.  I remember thinking it was one of the best days.  So much can change so dramatically in so little time.

It’s been a good week.  Celebrated 49^th birthday yesterday with loved ones.  The Lee’s brought over sushi.  Bless Beth’s heart for knowingly/agressively making the plans regardless of the school night, because I would have skimmed over it and felt pretty lonely.  Kelly & Kerry and kids brought their own sunshine.  I loved that they came over, enriching our evening, making it so much better with the gift of their friendship.  Kelly had picked up the girls early from the Y and, together with Gavin, had made a silk flower arrangement with each of their artwork on the pot.

There were other gifts awaiting my arrival home from work that also made me feel very special, and loved.  A garden bouquet and note from Duke & Karen, and Rick’s artwork calendar from the Delanty’s.  Gavin was extremely impressed that he knew the artist and that we had his artwork in our home.  To see him make the connection of knowing Rick, and realizing he knew someone so talented was cool.

The sweetest moment was getting Gavin’s gift, a beautiful glass Angel Fish.  When we were in Maui we went to a craft fair and picked up some neat stuff for friends.  At one booth Gavin kept asking me which glass figure I liked best.  We have a blue glass dolphin  Jeff & the kids gave me for my birthday last year.  I picked the Angel Fish because I knew it was one of Gavin’s favorite, and we had just seen one snorkeling.  When I opened the box and saw it my heart swelled with so much love for that precious boy and his thoughtfulness.  Of course I started crying, and then Kylee brought me a Kleenex! 

Richard & Beth gave me a new chair for my office.  The one in there was all broken down and it was on my radar to replace.  But a funny, not ha ha, thing happened when I went to bring the new one into the office.  I remembered buying 2 of the office chairs with Jeff, one of which he took to his classroom.  I associated that chair so much with him it was very emotional to part with it, even though it’s pretty dilapidated.  The girls were in bed and Gavin & I were in the office when I got all teary about moving it out so we talked about how it’s hard to let go of stuff that reminds us of dad.  It ties into an email I got today from such a perceptive friend talking about building a new life that is just our own.  Dr Phil, a past teacher @ SCHS and friend of Jeff’s, dropped over today, and brought up the same sort of thought thread.  He moved to Idaho to teach at college level and is visiting on break.  That he has been staying in touch with our family though the website comforts me.

Can I tell you how great the kids have been this week?  The fuzzy ball in the jar recognizing good behavior has been well received.  Today Gavin got Kylee laughing out of her cry and Torrey announced he deserved to put a ball in the jar.  Whenever anyone puts a ball in we always reinforce they got the Spear family closer to Disneyland.  Every day won’t be as smooth getting out of the house as this morning was, but at least I know it’s possible for us to be relaxed and doing well getting through the morning routine. 

Last Sunday I built a little organizer for the girl’s room that has Monday-Friday bins.  We picked out their outfits for the week together and it’s really helped eliminate that potentially sensitive battle ground in the mornings.  So much of it is discipline, and I mean me being disciplined to do the prep work!

Other notables; Julianne dropping by this evening with a loaf of her hometown bakery, (in San Jose), Cinnamon bread.  I had to laugh because grocery shopping this week I uncharacteristically picked up cinnamon bread but the kids said they wouldn’t eat it so I put it back.  The loaf she brought over is the real deal, not the store bought stuff I would pick the raisins out of!  We got to chat for a bit while the kids zoned on Spongebob.  Julianne is Sean’s mom, a recent breast cancer survivor, kindergarten teacher, and really neat lady, so we could have talked all night!

Even though it was cold & foggy and the fireplace irresistible, I bundled us up to go see Coach Cal’s SCHS Wrestling vs Tesoro.  I wanted to show Gavin what competition looked like.  I can’t tell you how good it felt to be in the gym, seeing familiar faces.  Kids loved the energy, not to mention the fully stocked snack bar!

Well, it’s time for some shut-eye.  Looking forward to a potluck celebratory “brunch” at the office tomorrow!  Work friends can become like family away from home and I’ve certainly have felt their support.  It’s a great diversion to be with them, focusing on something not related to personal life.  Sometimes I can’t believe it when I hear myself laughing.

Oh that cold, dark morning will be here too soon –

Sweet Dreams All,

Morning decision – wake kids up to get them back on schedule, or enjoy some relaxed time getting organized and let them wake up well rested and cute as can be?  Took me till 8:45 to decide to wake them!  They’ll probably be grumpy Monday morning one way or the other!

Last night Joe & Jo-Jo, from Ashland Or, came over with a delish casserole.  Kris also joined us for a nice evening.  Jo-Jo got the girls through their tub/teeth brushing/reading routine, while Joe was captivated, (ha ha), by Gavin’s Hero Quest explanations.  Wild to think I have known Joe for going on 30 yrs.  He was instrumental in exposing me to Plein Air painting, the Arts & Craft Movement, and almost made a finish carpenter out of me at one point!  Kris helped out as usual with dishes and advice on kid issues.  She has so much experience that translates into sound practical advice. 

I was glad to have their warm company to lift me out of my funk during the day.  Email had brought news from Lisa that her husband was going on hospice.  They have small children, too.  She was sharing how gut wrenching the good-byes were, and it brought it all back.  I got the feeling some of you may experienced, of helplessness, of wanting to do something to relieve the pain and emotional suffering.  Not possible.  All I could do was what you have taught me; to offer myself in any way in support.

So, this morning I tried to interest the kids in a reward system incorporating various sized pom-pom balls to recognize good behavior.  Also went over a Responsibility Chart where they put tokens for completing the basic tasks.  Need to reel them back in & put some accountability into their lives! 

Mid-morning Sean M came over to say Hi.  In town for the holidays.  Being the young, strong kid he is, I put him to work getting boxes & tree back up into the attic!  I was touched he came by to check in on us hours before he had to leave.

Dave P & “Leebist,” (as Jeff calls Mr Chang), picked up Gavin for some major fun at Dave & Busters!  I got 2 towel racks hung – major achievement when I use a power tool and it turns out OK!  You just have to look sideways at the one that’s not quite level.  I got better on the second one!  Should have practiced on upstairs first!  Oh well!

Road 3 Hula Loops + around the block with the girls, and then their friend, Anneleise came over to bake pumpkin oat muffins.

We’re baaaaack!  It was a great vacation, but it’s so good to be back, (although I’m a little cold!).

The best parts:

• The smiles and laughs from the kids as they frolicked endlessly in the hotel pool. And their amazement at what a cool place they were at, from the hammock between palm trees, to the clearest, warm water.  Lots of sheer play time.  The slides at the pool were non-stop for all.
• Gavin snorkeling at Black Rock and seeing so many fish.  He’s a huge tropical fish fan so this was a big one for him.  He also took at least a million pictures at the Maui Aquarium. 
• Zipline adventure with Gavin.  It was a half day of jungle hiking and zipping, with torrential driving rain.  Gavin was the total trooper!  At one point I mentioned how good he was doing considering the rough weather and he replied, “Welcome to a man’s world, mom!”  The 60’ swing at the end was the screamer for me!  For Gavin, I think the day together was a defining part of the vacation.  We were soaked to the bone so he went straight to the hotel Jacuzzi and we haven’t seen his tennis shoes since! 
• Hanging with the Lee’s.  Having cousins there, and Richard & Beth made the time even more pleasurable.  They took some of the kid care from me so I could have a little time here and there.
• Surfing for 45 minutes, (and feeling it for the next 3 days!).  It was small, but perfect, warm, and beautiful.  I caught some good waves and felt the rush, and then the ache of Jeff not being there to hoot with.
• Hula Grill dinner, Chef’s tasting menu – so lots of flavors with not the big fill up.  Kids were back at hotel with cousins so we got to enjoy adult time!  I walked back to the hotel in the warm evening.  Savoring the relaxation, but noticing all the couples out walking, too.  I guess that’s another thing I’ll just have to get used to.
• Hike jungle trail to Honalua Bay. Flat, but beautiful.  I scattered some of Jeff’s ashes and said a few words.  Kids were on their own at the other end of the beach.  Their heads & hearts were so clear of sadness I didn’t want to bring them back to their loss.

Now working on getting everything back in order.  Blessed Cathy S came over yesterday and helped tremendously by putting the tree ornaments away.  It was really weird coming home to see all the Xmas stuff around!  Jeff’s favorite part of the holidays, besides putting the stuff up, was taking it down 12/26, and putting the house right for the next year, so that’s what I’m doing.

Spent the whole morning with Gavin cleaning his room.  You can actually see the floor now!  I can’t decide who’s more stoked!  Tomorrow, with a fresh caffeine load, it’s the girl’s room.  I’ve already made one trip to the Goodwill drop and the trash cans are full!  I love to purge “stuff” and so much has been neglected, it feels really good to simplify. 

The timing is perfect to start afresh.  After the 2008 non-stop high emotion adrenaline momentum of finishing up my treatment, then Jeff’s diagnosis-treatment-decline-death-memorial, both holidays and then vacation, it’s fitting to start a new year.  Had a family meeting this morning to review behavior, (tone of voice, following directions, not interrupting, etc.), and how we need to band together moving forward to be the best we can be.  I hope it wasn’t all “blah, blah, blah” to them.

Well, I better get back to it while I have the time & energy.  Lots of photos to download, too!  Just wanted to do a quick update and wish everyone the very best for 2009.  Lofty aspirations, goal accomplished, new adventures, stronger love, deeper meaning…

Just a quick second to post - we're waiting for our shuttle up to the zipline adventure and Kapalua has free internet.  So much for posting on the Lee computer - who has time.  Everyone is so exhausted at the end of the day!  Here's the short version.  Flight was fine - Kylee took 2 naps!

 We've been having nice balmy, but cool weather, which is fine.  When the soun comes out it gets hot and I head for the shade!  Today we went up to the Sheraton Black Rock for snorkling.  Katie Lee ended up with sea urchins in her foot - ouch!

Yesterday there was the a little wave breaking up the path so I rented a board and paddled out.  It was wonderful!  Glad it was nice and small.  I only lasted 45 minutes and I'm sore in my surfing muscles!  I caught a few waves and was thrilled!!!  Teh kids and Lee's were on the shore cheering for a little while then it got boring watching mom paddle around! 

Last night we hit Hula grill without kids.  It was awesome.  I got to walk back to the hotel by myself.  "Quintesential evening; not too warm.

Kids are having a ball in the hotel pool.  It's really, really nice!  We're taking lots of pictures.  Gavin went crazy at the aquarium with the camera.  We're hoping to download some onto Beth's computer so we can make a slide show!

Drove over to Hookipa one day to watch wind surfing.  More surfers out.  Not big, but nothing I would even consider paddling out in!!!!

Hope to get another surf in, and see some more beaches.  We're planning on getting together with Janell's sister later today.

Well, it's getting time to head out...

Aloha,
Ruthe
 

Friday night brought youthful energy into the house and kicked off the official vacation with merriment.  Autumn brought 4 of her students, Kristina, Mena, Layla, & Nessa, with their home cooked meal.  I remember Kristina from Jeff’s memorial, awash in tears on the field when the Doves were released.  What neat young characters, and the dinner was super!  Kristina & Layla had Mr Spear in past years.  I was inordinately touched when Kristina gave me her class notes from Jeff’s lectures.  I took one quick peek at it and felt my heart contract, thinking of him teaching, from his mind to her notebook.   While Autumn & I talked we could hear the girls upstairs playing with KyKy & Teetor.  Nobody wanted to end the evening!  I hope these young ladies will be back over after we return from our trip.

Speaking of the trip, I did a once-around pack to see how much stuff seems necessary.  Gavin stayed Friday night at Kane’s and the girls entertained themselves most of Saturday, with a jaunt around the neighborhood on our bikes thrown in for some fresh air.

We had what turned out to be a very enjoyable evening, sort of a Christmas Eve, Sunday.Baked cookies with the girls.  Opened a few presents.  Gavin chose his biggest, knowing full well it was a lego set.  I had told him it was “sweepin’s” from the floor of his room, and he wasn’t sure if I was kidding because I told him I was going to get back at him for scaring me the other night.  (I was talking on the phone, walking back into the house at night and he jumped out at me, ha ha very funny!  I screamed right into the ear of who ever I was talking to!)  Anyway, he was really stoked to be putting together yet another lego.

It was a little iffy at first with the girls because Kylee didn’t want what she opened and then neither did Torrey, but then they traded and everything was cool.  Whew.  Then they played back and forth with each gift and I thought that was cool.  Kylee & I built their “summer cottage” tent and they put their sleeping bags in it and went to sleep!  Gavin built his lego downstairs, blaring “8 hours of 80’s” music on 104.4, with me singing along, saying every song was so great!

Sunday morning Winter Solstice Christmas celebration at my brothers house was perfect.  Eggs Benedict & fruit salad, kids having fun with their cousins, opening neat presents.  We all got nice snorkel sets!  When I took the kids home I had that feeling of “what a really nice morning” instead of “glad that’s over with,” like at Thanksgiving! 

Jud followed us home to do something there is no possible way I could do myself; put some of Jeff’s ashes in a container for me spread on the ocean in Maui.  It will be the first of many scatterings of what remains of Jeff physically.  His wish was for Trail 3 as his final resting place, so we’ll have that paddle out in the summer, but he had so many other places meaningful to him that I want part of him to return there.

Mid-day Cathy & Roger came over and added their delightful layer to the day, bringing Hawaiian themed gifts for the kids.  (Cathy – last night the 2 things Gavin took upstairs were a Star Wars book, and the miniature surfboard!).  Cathy gave me a delicate bracelet with the message, “A mother holds her children’s hand for a short while, but their hearts forever.”  A precious reminder.  From Roger, more CD’s!  The funnest was perusing a print out of his rock collection for future CD’s.  We have similar tastes in the music of our heyday, so it was like a very pleasurable walk down memory lane!

The icing on the cake was Sunday evening when Kelly, her kids, Lindsey & James, and Kerry & her kids, Cole and Elle, came over.  Everything about the evening was beyond wonderful, and that doesn’t begin to describe how great it was.  Yes, it was good to see the kids so happy with their gifts, and playing with the older kids so well.  (Puppet Theatre was a hit for all ages!)  But the real joy for me was in the company of these 2 stellar women.  I feel like they are a great gift that will keep on giving through the years.  There were so many touching moments and we even had some relatively quiet reflective time together.  It was just so perfect.  Our home was filled the essence of what makes life worth living, the richness of relationship to others.

When the night was over I did a quick soul check & thought to myself, “I couldn’t be happier.”  The part of me dark, cold, damp & drafty was flooded with the warmth and light of love.  It was the very best I have deeply felt since May 07.  A beautiful song by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils came into my head…

now a tear
leaves you only a trace
and the sun
finds its way to your face
 
it couldn't be better,
it couldn't be better, Lord
than it is right now

Well, the kids are down this morning, and we have a good day with Kris & Mason coming over, so I better “get crackin’”.

I downloaded pictures of last night, so check out the photo album later.  I’ll post them after breakfast.

Too, too busy!  This week I knew would fly by in a blur! Started off on the right foot with Ann & crew putting the house in order while I was at work.  Wow, what a difference it makes to come home and feel lightened after a stressful day.  Loved the weather, once I was out of it and bundled up at home with the little puppies, as I like to think of them at times!  Coach Brown came over with dinner and played with the girls for a bit.  It’s so neat to see him, an imposing physical presence, as gentle as a lamb, and playful.  They lapped it up!

Tuesday I was really looking forward to an already postponed once walk with Ann & Cathy, so I was relieved Mother nature cooperated with a glorious day.  We even took time to have a little brunch afterwards.  It was an unfamiliar feeling of normalcy, but wholly delightful.  That afternoon there was a cupcake get together planned at the home of Vikki, a SC Montessori mom.  The kids rampaged while we got a chance to catch up.  Unexpected pleasure seeing Staci & Rylie, since they have been in & out of the hospital fighting Rylies medical woes.  She’s been on steroids and looks very different then what the girls remember and Kylee was taken aback, so we talked about how it’s the same Rylie inside, but that sometimes medicine side effects change how we look, like when mom lost her hair!  

The spirit of the holiday was evident in the gift the moms presented to our family.  Knowing we are focusing on building happy memories they gave us annual passes to Disneyland!  The kids had just been asking when we would go back, so now we have the freedom to enjoy the magic in little increments throughout the year.  A number of the moms also have passes so it’s a great opportunity to have fun with them, too.  I was more than overwhelmed that they would think of us in this way. 

The afternoon took a turn in a tough direction when Gavin became very angry and upset that I was talking to the other moms about something involving him.  I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or what and I struggled with trying to fix it, unsuccessfully.

When we got home the kids hit it upstairs so I had a few minutes to talk with Tressa when she brought over dinner.  I was pretty raw, tired & feeling insufficient with Gavin, so it was good to have a sympathetic ear.  She has a 9 yr old and said it’s happened to her, too, so that made me feel better.

Still later we realized Gavin had lost track of his retainer, (it was at Glenda’s)!  To top it off, at the end of the evening he hit me up with the phone for Xmas topic.  Not good timing on his part.  I hemmed and hawed, saying it sounded like a good idea at the time when I brought it up as a possibility, (for a sense of security when things were going South fast), but that it didn’t look like something that needed to happen right now.  More hurt and anger.  In my exhausted state I couldn’t decide if he was feeling let down because I didn’t follow through with what he heard as my commitment or he was bummed because he would have to tell all his friends he wasn’t getting a phone after all.  Through the week I revisited the dilemma, seeking counsel from trusted advisors, (BFF & therapist).  Getting contradictory advice, as usual.  Gut says go “phone lite,” by adding time on to the pay-as-you-go phone I got Jeff.  This won’t exactly meet the flip phone fantasy Gavin has, but may give us the chance to see if he can keep track of it, and realize he doesn’t really NEED it.  It wouldn’t even be a topic of discussion were it not for our “extenuating circumstances.”  Therapist says there is a bigger trust issue that outweighs the practical.  More “what is the “right” thing to do for a 9 yr old’s heart”…We’ll see.

Wed night after work the Lee’s came over.  Beth had sewn curtains for the office and they look maaaaar-velous!

Thursday had a good session with therapist.  She brought an expression board for the kids.  Drawn pictures of faces with various expressions, with the word naming the emotion below it.  That evening I was going through the faces and talking about what the emotions meant, and when we got to lonely, Torrey said, “that’s how I felt today when no one wanted to play with me, and sad, too (pointing at the sad face).”  I thought that was a big step for her.  Of course Kylee picked sad “because dad died.”  Next step is to laminate them so they don’t get covered with food and the daily mess of life.  I hope we can use them more to identify & explore feelings they may not recognize they have.

Can’t remember what morning it was but we went to the donut store before school and ran into Cathy S.  The girls were so happy to see her, as was I.  It made me feel like our world was small and filled with friends that brightened our lives just by showing up!

Friday work was an effort to get everything 2008 wrapped up!  Ha ha!  Now I can focus on our holiday celebration Sunday, and the next deadline of being prepared for our departure early Tuesday morning. 

Got an email from Mel, one of Jeff’s great friends, that had a picture of them in front of a Sierra lake.  Just when I think I’m on an even keel, the boat goes 180.  Seeing pictures of Jeff so alive and doing something he loved brought me back to the reality of him not here anymore.  The other morning when Kylee was crying about not having the right shirt for school, and it went where it always goes with her, to ‘I want me daddy.”  I asked her what daddy would say right now. She thought he would say to stop crying, but I thought he would say, “crying doesn’t help”.  In my case, crying does help.

I’m hoping when we’re in Maui I have a chance to go surfing, the first time since Jeff died, so I can feel the purifying ocean wash away some of the pain to make room for feelings of goodness.  Fill the emptiness with fresh new energy.

Last night I was researching fun things to do, beaches and hikes, and got all excited about a river kayak/jungle hike to secret waterfall ON KAUI!  I need to pay attention to the details.  Everything is so top line for me right now, and probably will be for some time to come. 

But I’m feeling that usual philosophical end of the year musing…relieved to be moving further from this devastating year, although it means moving farther away from Jeff.  I guess I need to move closer to him in a loving way, instead of a hurting way, but the fact that there was so much love makes the loss so great.  Going away to Maui, creating new memories, celebrating his life in some way, will be a big step ahead on the road to healing.

I go back to the Thanksgiving card on my desk “Abundance, Blessings, Love, Joy.”  We know these, in addition to the sorrow, and for that I am grateful through my tears.  As I said at Jeff’s memorial service, “not a day goes by” that we don’t have some experience of support and love from somewhere, in some form.  It’s what keeps me going, really, and enriches the kids lives – building their sense of security.  So don’t ever feel like you need to give us space or time.  We have too much space in our house, and time will be our friend one day again.  For now we love to feel the energy of friends & family.  

In a card to someone, expressing gratitude for his phenomenal support, I will tell you, too, as it applies to so many.  As you enjoy your holiday celebrations I hope there is a moment you find to feel a sense of fulfillment/happiness/satisfaction from knowing you made a difference in our lives and helped us to get where we are today, on stable ground, embraced, & nurtured by your love and care. 

I Believe, 

The weekend was filled with friends warming me back up after Friday night.  The girls & I met up with Denise & Kane at IHOP to celebrate her birthday.  Gavin went to a birthday party I had completely forgotten about, so Kane hung at our house with the girls while Denise did some shopping for us, since my heart just wasn’t in it. 

Saturday evening brought good feelings in the forms of a dinner party with Chip, Erika, (gotta' love a girl who brings over pumpkin bread with chocolate chips in it!!!), Craig/Plitma, Kris, & Mason.  Very relaxing.  Craig & Chip told funny Jeff back packing stories and renewed their promise to get Gavin on the trail with them.

Today I visited the treasure box of cards received in the last few months that I haven’t felt strong enough to open. Just reading the senders names was enough to bring feelings of comfort, but there were so many caring messages, too, reminding me how wide & deep was Jeff’s impact.

From students, a universal refrain, “Every day that year I looked forward to 5^th period math because I knew that I had the most extraordinary person as my teacher and that I would learn something beyond the pages of my textbook, I would learn about life.”   Nadia

From friends, “There are stars whose light only reaches the Earth long after they have fallen apart.  There are people whose remembrance gives light in this world long after they have passed away.” Dana & Larry

From so many work friends.  After 22 years with the same company, these people have seen me grow up in many ways, and been with us through wedding, kids, sickness, and as we deal with our great loss & explore our new life.

I know there will come a time when I will think of Jeff and be flooded with feelings of love, but for now I can only take the pain of loss in small doses.  Talking to Sandy T today about what to expect moving forward I felt better. 

It’s late Friday night.  I just finished wrapping some presents and I can’t tell you how sad I feel.  When I look over to Jeff’s picture and tell myself I can’t believe it, it’s because I need to go back into the shock state of disbelief.  I’m finding the truth in what they say about how hard the first of each holiday/celebration will be.  Christmas is so soon & already charged, to add the element of deep feelings makes every activity magnified.

It can work in good ways, too.  This morning while Gavin was earning his A+ brushing Kylee & Torrey’s hair I had a pure moment when I saw him put this hand gently under Kylee’s chin to hold her head still!

And while I was wrapping I came across a note from a Sherian in a card from 1998.

“Life is a chronicle of friendship.  Friends create the world anew each day.  Without their loving care, courage would not suffice to keep hearts strong for life.”

I count myself fortunate to know those friends that indeed keep me strong when I need to be, and are there for me when I’m not so.  This week there were lots of players in the symphony of kid coverage/care, as well as visits, phone conversations, or messages, that helped me along.  And this weekend there’s more to look forward to, so I better get some beauty rest!

Is it Tuesday night already?

The weekend passed in a blur, with a flurry of activity around the house Saturday trying to bring order to the chaos resulting from last weeks madness.

Unk, my brother, Ryan & Jantz brought back over a futon we had parked at their house when the girls dresser needed a spot in their room.  It fits perfectly in the family room and is a coveted cozying up spot with some soft blankets thrown over it.  Right now all 3 of them are watching Sponge Bob on it.  I've already taken a bunch of cute pics of them on it that I'll get around to posting one of these days.

When the kids got a little bored at home Sat. we took a spin around the block a few times on their bikes.  I used to be able to keep up in a run/walk mode, but I ended up getting more exercise then I planned jogging after them!  I was happy to be getting the exercise!

Cathy & Roger stopped in w/Starbucks for further motivation, (I had been bopping around the house to the great music CD’s from him).  It was so cool to hang out front and chat away about everything!

We hit it over to the Hurleys house for sunset and a wonderful evening of good company and fun times for the kids.  Out by the fire pit w/blankets, talking with Dana, was the highlight for me…that, & the delicious dinner!!!  Oh, and the “show” Colin & Torrey, and then Kylee & Makaela put on for entertainment topped the night off. 

Sunday???  I remember taking the kids over to Ann’s before going to Velvet Yogurt.  The kids will probably always remember her house for the upstairs kitchen and the ladder they climbed in the living room for surf check!  Dick wowed me with his recording studio stuff and everyone got a laugh out of Calissa & her friends version of Boulevard of Broken Dreams re-written to be something like Bowl of Ice Cream!  Very creative! 

Low moment was when Gavin realized the weekend was over and I hadn’t taken him to the trophy store to get a case for his SCHS football.  He really laid it on me, and I felt bad for not following through on that plan. 

Monday super busy work.  Started the week off great with dinner and the rambunction company of Dave & Becky.  Gavin was thrilled to see the BBQ fired up for steak, (twice in 3 days!), and the girls couldn’t get enough of the attention Dave & Becky lavished on them.  I especially appreciated Dave rough-housing with them, because it’s something Jeff used to do and I don’t do enough of with them.  We had a good dinner and got everyone tucked in on time after quick tubs.  It’s so much nicer when there is more then me in the evening!

Today I met with Mickey, a grief counselor, and guided imagery specialist.  We hit it off and I’m very excited to have her professional guidance in our lives.  She is a SC local, too.

After school we found the football case at Michael’s!

Kylee just crawled in my lap for her daily tear shedding for dad.  She went through the list of all the things dad taught her to do, like play Wii, & ride a bike.  I added he taught her about caring for people and being a good person.  Then she sniffed it up and went on out of the office.

Speaking of caring for people – I got an email from Kerry, an awesome Montessori mom, with an opportunity to bring some sunshine into another’s life.  Not that I’m doing Xmas cards this year, (I’ll get around to scanning and posting the kids Santa picture), but I’m going to get a few cards out to:

A Recovering American Soldier

C/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center

6900 Georgia Ave NW

Washington DC 20307-5001

Just seeing the address brought back a flood of memories.  Four years ago Richard, George & I visited our dad there for a week when he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.  The Dr’s were so compassionate & respectful of our “old soldier!”  We saw many “veterans,” young men, (more like big boys actually), and their families while we were there.  I wrote the Dr & the Commander of Walter Reed a thank you note and they both responded back!  So, if you’re sending cards, please consider how a few minutes of your time can make a difference in another’s life.  I have heard so many stories from you about how Jeff took a few minutes with you that made you feel special and valued.  Play that forward.

Tomorrow the girls are looking forward to Janice & Kinsey picking them up from the Y to do some Xmas shopping while I work!  Then we all hit it to Scooter’s Jungle to celebrate Kaia’s birthday.  So I better get the kids, (& me!), moving toward an early bedtime now!

Ruthe

Glad this week is over!  Way too much going on, but much of it good!  Girls are asleep and Gavin is at Alec's for the night so I can get caught up!

Highlights/Lowlights

Monday working at office and getting call from Gavin that he didn’t feel well and needed to rest.  He’s been fighting a little cold with headache on & off.  I couldn’t head home to get him so I went down the list of mom’s that might be available at a second’s notice!  Lisa answered the phone with a, “no problem, I’ll handle it!”  Shani had picked up the girls and we were planning on having dinner and karaoke action at her house but didn’t work out.  Just as well; it was an ambitious plan that sounded great to spend time with her, but Monday’s are always a little rough. 

Feeling low Monday night I made the mistake of staying up later then I should have watching a mindless, but cute movie (didn’t finish it!), so woke up tired – not how I like to start the day.  Girls were not following directions “in a timely manner” and I ended up sitting in front of the fire in tears, telling them we needed to do a better job in the mornings because I can’t go through this every morning.  Gavin is good about getting himself ready, but the girls are much more interested in doing what interests them, not me!  Came back home after dropping them and surrendered to my pent up frustration for a little while and then took a walk on the nature trail.  Ahh, fresh air to clear the mind.

After I picked up the girls Janice & her daughter, Kinsey came over.  Janice’s son, Austin was Jeff’s student and she shared her Jeff story with me.  They hung with the girls while I met with Gavin’s teacher, Mr Colapinto, for an overdue parent teacher conference.  When I got home Janice & I chatted and made plans for Thursday.  Her brilliant idea was to get us into the holiday spirit by bringing in manpower to hang lights, and get our Xmas stuff down from the attic! 

After dinner I called Cathy S about a CD I had for Sherry/Mrs Rusinkovich, to listen to before her surgery Wed.  The girls had made her a card I wanted her to have, too.  How perfect was it that Cathy was at Sherry’s house, just down the street, so I invited us over!  What a gathering of special people; Cyndi Martin showed up – which was wonderful for me, and Mary R came over.  She is taking over tutoring Gavin in his reading while Mrs R recuperates.  As she works through her loss of Marc this summer, I hope Gavin brings some boy lightness to their relationship.  I look at the picture in our family room of Jeff and his runners; Cathy’s son Matt, and Marc, and it captures a moment in history that has circled around to nurture us now.  My friendship with Cathy is treasured and never would have blossomed if not for Jeff.

Tuesday night, in light of how the day started, I gathered the kids on our big bed for an official family meeting.  I tried to talk to them like I knew Jeff would, encouraging & positive, leading them to want to participate in our family as a team.  I think they needed to hear some of the stuff I was saying.  It’s reassuring to them to have clear expectations for their behavior and how our family is going to work together moving forward.  I needed to set guidelines for myself, too, getting them back on a more structured schedule.  Talking about it to Cathy this evening, she commented oh so wisely, (she who has raised 3 fine sons), that having a schedule to refer to takes the emotion out of what they are being asked to do.  It’s not mom, it’s the schedule.  We’ll see how it works.  I gotta’ try something.  It’s not that they’re out of control, I just need them to be more participatory.  I watched 3 minutes on TV of the family of 16 and thought about how much more capable our kids are if I just work with them instead of doing it myself! 

Very gratifying was how well they did Wed morning, especially considering I had to drop them at Kelly’s house @ 7 am due to an early work appointment.  Getting through an absolutely hectic day only with the help of Kelly picking up the girls from the Y, and her daughter Lindsey entertaining them all until I finally got home @ 5:30.

Thursday I got hung up in LA for work.  Jeanne rescued me by picking up the girls from school.  She was quick to take charge, “no worries”, I felt relief flood over me.  She is so understanding it makes me feel human. 

Thursday afternoon turned the crazy week into wonderful.  Janice’s husband, Mike, and his friend, Tom, were there, with their sons, Austin & Thomas, to string lights, & climb in the attic for Xmas stuff.  What great kids, too!  Janice showed up with her friend Mary, and Kinsey, and proceeded to bring the spirit of Christmas into our home.  It was an overwhelming experience to see their care in the things they did. There was an art supply basket for the girls, & some gifts for Gavin, kids Christmas movies, (so we had something for under the tree – I haven’t given Xmas one thought up until yesterday). There were so many thoughtful touches, from cookies & hot chocolate, to really really nice girly stuff for mom!  With a Hawaiian theme!  It was almost too much for me.  How do I say this – it was so unexpected to be opening beautifully wrapped gifts for me that these lovely women had chosen to make me feel special.  For a while now, it’s been so much about Jeff, our family and the kids, I had forgotten about me.  To be remembered in this way is beyond description.  They were so sweet and fun I could have yacked all afternoon.  Their promise to be there for more future fun shored me up.

Friday morning kids got graded on how well they did getting out of the house.  How quickly the success of Wed morning faded!  Gavin A, girls D.  This weekend I’m going to give it some more thought on how to help them score higher!  I’m open to any suggestions for things that have worked at your house – I know I’m not the only one struggling!

The work week ended on a high note with a call from Cathy to come over for a glass of wine.  She is such a wonderful person and friend.  Tonight I learned what a wonderful person her husband, Roger, is!  She brought over CD’s he made of the artists I had mentioned in earlier posts, with all the songs printed.  Turns out he is a musician and music lover.  I knew he built guitars, for fun, but I had no idea of his depth, only having met him once.  Wow.  I can’t wait to start listening – I’m sure I’ve never heard many of the songs he recorded.

This weekend will be filled with music I love, seeing people we love, (dinner at the Hurleys!), and lots of unstructured time to get caught up, organized, focus on kid stuff, think about Christmas, etc.  I was overjoyed to hear there might be rain Sunday!

Yeah, this week was over the top, but even at it’s most pressurized I found myself saying Jeff would love to be here in the midst of this, and I would let some of the stress go.  So let some of it go, and be happy to have things to be stressed about!!! J

Ruthe

7:22 am before my feet hit the floor.  Ah, rested!  Girls came down soon after, all chipper.  Gavin & Nicky woke and went straight to video games!  Took Gavin to his first massage.  While Trish was working on him the girls & I walked across the street to a lookout above the harbor and played tag.  Dropped Gavin @ Kane’s house and came home to work around the house. 

Downloaded the camera and was a little surprised to see there were over 300 pictures for Oct/Nov, until I remembered Gavin has been documenting his lego collection, among other things! 

The girls were enticed into an afternoon tub by the offer to bob for apples, one each.  While they cavorted I put some of the pictures on the photo album, so check them out when you get a chance!  There were some of the kids with Jeff in the hospital that hurt to see that I didn’t include. I don’t want to remember him in that condition.

I better keep moving – it’s back to school tomorrow, and so much to do!

A card on our doorstep before Thanksgiving said it all for this holiday.  The front of the card said Abundance, Blessings, Love & Joy and the personal message was “Wising you time to remember, time to be together, to heal and create new family memories.” 

That captured our Thanksgiving experience exactly!   Grief is a strange mixture of joy & sorrow – joy at being alive, and sorrow at having life diminished by the loss of the one you love.  Now, with the holidays upon us, I’m learning the most important gift we can give our children is the feeling that life continues despite pain, and that we need to build the bridge to span the chasm with the things that still count – memory, family, friendship & love.

Every year we have Thanksgiving at our house, with the Lees, Oshiers, and Grandpa Spear.  This year Jud took ill and didn’t come so we were even more “short.”  Everyone was making an effort.  I even put on jewelry and changed out of jeans!  J   But there was a huge hole in the day for me.  The saving grace, and I really mean grace, was Ann, her husband Dick, and their daughter, Calissa, coming over after dinner.  They are such warm, authentic  people and Dick is a consummate musician, so we all gathered around the piano to sing.  It lifted my spirits immeasurably.  The only moment was when we were singing Beatles “There are Places I Remember,” & Kylee climbed on my lap to cry she missed daddy. 

Christmas is going to be completely different this year.  In the spirit of building new memories and creating joy in the midst of sorrow, I’m taking the kids to Maui!  There was no way I was going to be able to face Christmas morning with just the 4 of us and try to make it fun for the kids.  I can’t even THINK about them coming downstairs and opening presents without a flood of tears!  The Lee family will be coming with us the 23-30^th.

To tell the kids, Kris had a brilliant idea to make a puzzle with Hawaiian pictures on it and then give them clues to find the pieces.  I gave each of them 3 pieces to find so Gavin wouldn’t figure it out right away.  Beth came up with the rhyming clues, (my brain was on not-thinking-not-feeling mode).

Each kids was paired with a cousin, and they had a frenzied time tracking down the pieces.  It was so fun for them we may incorporate this “treasure hunt” into our tradition for Thanksgiving.  Once they heard the news they were in a state of shock, a good state of shock, for a change!!!  Kylee was a little worried, (our worrier), asking if we had to jump out of the plane to get there!  It will be there first plane ride!!!  Friday morning I took them on-line to show them pictures of where we were going, the pool, etc, to build the excitement.  My thought was to bring a holiday table cloth to put on the sand to open their stockings, (so lots of the little fun stuff kids love).  That way we can take time to remember dad in a different place that isn’t so filled with missing him.  Gavin did ask why we didn’t go to Hawaii sooner, with dad…So there’s your message – Do It Now, so you’re not looking back with regrets.

Another big thing I did was trade in both our cars for my dream car; a mini van!  Back in Feb Jeff  & I agreed he could get his flat screen and I could get a new car.  I was shopping the dealerships, ready to pull the trigger “as soon as Jeff got better.”   Seeing his car out front every day was a constant reminder of his absence.  Initially, the kids didn’t want to part with it, understandably; it’s daddy’s car.  To get them involved in our new life I took them to the dealership, (calling ahead to let them know what was going on), to crawl around in it and help pick out the color.  I was going to stick with classic white, but they loved the blue w/gray interior, sorta’ like Jeff’s Pilot, so that’s what we got.  Named it The Big Daddy Dolphinator. 

I came back on my own to go through the purchase process.  As I sat in our new car, thinking how this should be such a happy moment, I lingered a few minutes to say good-bye to our Highlander and Pilot next to each other on the car lot, (saying good-bye to that phase of our lives, our togetherness, and all the associated happy memories), and, no surprise here, completely broke down.  I guess it’s how taking a big step forward comes with letting go of something big, too.  Second guessing myself all the way home, I was rewarded by the excitement of the kids and support of friends.

Speaking of support – driving through Mickey D’s on the way to get Santa picture at the mall Friday, (mom needed a little pick me up!), we get to the window to pay and the girl said the car in front of us had already!  It was Mrs. Green, from the kid’s school!  She leaned out of her car and yelled “Lobo Loves You!”  The kids thought that was so cool, and I, of course, was so touched by the simple sweetness. 

As we move through our days, and begin to realize & feel the fuller impact of being alone there are moments when I find great comfort.  One of them recently was receiving a letter from One Legacy.  The day Jeff died they contacted me to request his corneas.  I had to go through a 20 minute questionnaire, similar to what they ask when you give blood.  It was really hard, but I kept telling myself Jeff would want to me to do it so I did.  The letter said they were able to recover his corneas and will hopefully be able to give sight to one or two people.  I think about someone seeing through Jeff’s eyes and feel like he is still with us physically in some way.  And what lucky people to “see” through Jeff’s eyes!  The gift of sight is miraculous and in the spirit of Jeff always giving of himself.  I hope you also gain some sense of comfort in knowing this, too.

Another instance of feeling good came through an email from someone I work with but don’t really know well.  She had been keeping up with us on here and wrote me a beautiful note.  I was honored she praised me with a quote, “The truth is, she speaks a life-changing sermon on the power of love by her mere presence.”  (From Saddleback Church).  From my perspective, I’m just trying to work through this life as it’s unfolding, and writing about it is one of the ways I make sense of the thoughts & feelings generated in response to everything going on.  If, in the process, others find hope and meaning then I’m gratified.  I think of our kids reading these messages some day, broadening their understanding of who their parents were and others relation to them.

Along these lines, Hurley brought over CD’s Colby Norgburg made of Jeff’s Memorial Service.  I can’t bear to watch it.  Just the opening screen with Amazing Grace playing was too much for me!  (I’ll admit, though, I watched my part!)  The filming and production quality is outstanding!!!  Truly a priceless gift to our family history coming to us from the amazing kids at SCHS.

Well, it’s Sat late afternoon.  How long ago was it I thought it was a great idea to take the kids to Sea World on the train?  Doing the actual research on the logistics late last night I wondered what I was thinking, tossing the idea out there without knowing what I was getting in to!  Fortunately Gavin was receptive to my back-pedaling, and we convinced the girls there was other fun stuff we could do today, like Jumpin’ Jammin’ with Ryan.

Last night, after Santa pictures and an ill-advised stop in a Target on the way home, we took Kelly, James & Lindsey to Fired Up to celebrate Kelly’s birthday.  While we were there, Kelly tells me she used to spend a lot of time ih her Great Aunt’s ceramics studio!  She is full of surprises!  It was a fun activity, but by the end of the evening I was whipped, as were the kids.  Next time, Kelly & I will go on our own so we can focus on our “art” (ha ha).

Let’s hope the kids sleep in this cool, wet morning so I can get a little caught up! 

This time of year especially there is reflection on all the things one has to be grateful for.  Daily my heart is lifted by messages of support, friends dropping by, thoughts of the bright side of life.

Just yesterday evening I was struggling emotionally returning from Legoland, driving Jeff’s car, when Ted came over, bringing necessities & goodies of the brands we represent that people collected from work .  He could tell I was have a rough time so he followed my cue by hanging out to regale me with stories and warm conversation.  He’s always engaging, and I felt my mood turn right around in response to his company.

But backing up even further – more examples of kinship bringing solace.  Lynn D had invited me to dinner with a “few friends” Sunday night and worked it out with Lori to watch the kids.  (Side note: as I was getting ready to walk the kids over to Lori’s a small puppy ran across the street and playfully “attacked” the kids.  It was cute for a minute until Kylee got jumped on one to many times and she almost fell over.  A young couple hurried over apologizing profusely as I gathered up Kylee.  I was in a rush so I didn’t pay it much mind, but reflecting later I considered who they might be since their dress identified them as not from around here!  The puzzle piece fit as I realized the man must be our new neighbor’s son, the drummer for Velvet Revolver, Matt Sorum.  Jeff & I had conversations with our neighbor when they first moved in because the guitarist, Slash, is Gavin’s favorite Guitar Hero character.  So, the next morning I saw the neighbor pulling out and the fancy car was still in his driveway so I flagged him down to confirm my impression and ask if there was a possibility for Gavin to meet him later in the day.

Dave P & Greg Y picked up Gavin soon after to take him to the movies, (picking the girls up from the Y on the way).  No sooner had they gone when over comes Matt!!!  I was so bummed Gavin wasn’t there!  Matt was really sweet & gracious, signing a publicity photo and drum sticks for Gavin!!!  It was funny having this bona fide rock star, all dressed Hollywood black with skull jewelry, big boots, etc with blond spiky hair and the cutest dimples, in our house!!!  After they left I immediately googled him and up came pictures of him partying with Paris Hilton in Vegas recently!  Too funny!)

OK, back to Sunday dinner.  I was so happy to see Cathy S joining us!  Wilma W rounded out our quartet.  We went to Irons in the Fire and enjoyed a nice dinner, light conversation and a decadent dessert.  I was laughing at the thought of me having 3 glasses of wine on 3 consecutive nights while Wilma was telling us her husband, Rick, is on a Wine Country tour right now and calling her to say his car is already full of bottles she has no idea where they are going to store!

After dinner we walked around the outside on our way out to find the fire ring roaring and really comfy chairs inviting us to linger.  It was still early so we settled in for even more relaxing conversation.  Being under the stars with warm feet also warmed my heart.  Conversation turned to Evan Cousineau, (Cathy works for his dad), and the dedication of his palapa and fire ring at T-Street.  The plaque reads “Swimming with the dolphins.” 

Of Gee, that got me going, thinking of all the times Jeff & I have surfed Trails and been joined by dolphins – Surfing with the dolphins…and I had to look up at the stars to gather myself.  I didn’t want the evening to be about my sorrow, but instead about the joy of Jeff memories.  Still, it’s hard to control, especially after a glass of wine, and close companionship of good women.

Today I got a card from our hospice nurse, Sandy, that expressed a way to perceive the sadness in a glass-is-half-full kind of way, that I want to share with you…

“The pain you are feeling

is a symbol of love.

Rather than letting the hurt in your heart

Be a sign of your loss,

Let it be an eternal reminder

Of everything you have gained

From sharing in the life

Of someone so special

that they will always and forever

Be remembered

With love”

Feeling rejuvenated and mellow after dinner we picked up the girls from Lori’s, but Gavin was in their dark garage with 5 or 6 other same aged boys, each with light sabers, or is it light savers?  He was thrilled to be invited to stay the night.  Worked out well for me, too, so I could get the girls tucked in and then spend more time looking up at the stars and letting some of the pain wash over me and out of me.

Woke up a little thrashed Monday morning, but also feeling good in a way, too.  Work is so busy it makes the time fly by.  Monday night Kane stayed the night and we all had a good time at Legoland.  Lisa G had made arrangement for the tickets that originally included some time for Gavin to work with a Master lego builder, but that was the week Jeff died so when we rescheduled for Tuesday the builder was on vacation.  Gavin had no clue and had a blast with Kane. 

When Denise came to pick him up last night she stayed for a glass of wine, (I know what you’re thinking – I’m 4 for 4! J )  It was a REALLY good glass.  Una had brought over the bottle and it’s been sitting in the frig.  Now that I know how good it is, watch out….(Cathy, you will LOVE it, so I can’t wait for your next visit! )

Got the girls tucked in early.  Gavin & I had some fireplace togetherness I really enjoyed, and I think he did, too.  We shared some good dad memories without getting sad, so that’s very positive progress for him/us.  I was pretty mellow (exhausted) from the roller coaster day so ending it this way was perfect.

I talked to Grandpa Spear yesterday to confirm he was coming for Thanksgiving and also invited his buddy who doesn’t have family.

Well, the house is still quiet so I’m going to move on – Oh, one more thing…

While we were at Kris’ house Sat I got a call from Chip, Jeff’s great friend, asking if Gavin was around to ride Aliso Woods over the holiday.  I gotta’ tell you the strangest thing you may or may not understand – it was like getting a call from Jeff in a way.  Of course I had to horn in on the invitation – riding Aliso with Gavin is just too special to miss. We quickly realized Thanksgiving day was the only morning available but that in itself is perfect.  Jeff & I used to surf thanksgiving mornings before kids, since all we had to do later was show up at the Lee’s or the Oshier’s for dinner.  So my fervent hope is that we set a precedent for years to come, with the girls joining us next year!

Oh – and another neat thing – talked to Ann last night and firmed up plans for her family to come over after dinner to play music & sing.  Really looking forwad to adding that layer to our thanksgiving cake!!!  Last night I read a short article in Oprah mag about the power of music and the benefit of singing.  We sing a lot, music filling in some of the space in our hearts and in our house/car!

I’m sure I’ll think of something else to add, but for now…

…May your holiday be filled with the warmth of family, the comfort of traditions, and the gratefulness of life’s bounty.

Ruthe

Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see – where to start…

Thursday night Gavin told me that because of the passing and running practice he’s been getting with Graham & SCHS football players his skills have improved so much that both Lobo recess football captains fight over who gets him on their team and whatever team he is on wins.  My heart swelled with so much appreciation for the guidance Gavin has received and the difference it has made in his confidence level.  Unspoken was the thought on my end that although he has no father, he has so many father figures & big brother friends that will help fill in some of the space left when Jeff left our lives.  Even if Gavin doesn’t consciously recognize it, I think deep down he feels more able to handle 9 yr old concerns and so doesn’t have to expend energy thinking about what he’s missing out on. Or actually expend energy avoiding thinking about it.  His constant refrain when Kylee wails about missing daddy is, “don’t remind us!.”

So Janell calls right after Gavin tells me about how much better his is doing.  I recount his story and she responds perfectly with, “I got chills!”  There is something so connective about another mom reveling in your own joy, and the joy of your child. 

Friday work.  Girls got Tracy all-girl trampoline fun while Gavin was at Alec’s.  He came home @ 4 for Janell  take him to SCHS football game in Yorba Linda. 

I was thinking Cathy S came over and hung for girls dinner and tub, but that may have been Thursday night!  It’s so nice for them to have another adult to focus on and get attention from!

Anyway, as I was eating lunch Friday I read in SC Times that Doyle Dykes, an amazing guitarist, was playing in Dana Point @ 7:30.  Close and early – had to go!  Kris was totally up for it, bringing Mason to tuck in the girls.  The concert was really special for a number of reasons.  The venue, Dana Point Community House, right behind Renaissance Café, only holds about 100 people.  We got there a little early so we had time to walk across the alley for a glass of wine at the Café, sitting outdoors in the patio.  Felt like a normal adult!  Themusic was outstanding.  Doyle played for years on Hee Haw and had wonderful stories, with lots of references & stories of other revered guitarist like Chet Atkins, Jerry Reed, Eric Johnson.  Chet Atkins was the first LP I ever bought at the El Toro Marine Base PX.  I remember picking it out with my dad.  My mom was musical, too, but her real artistic talent was dancing.  I feel like I got my musicality from dad.  It was our shared passion, besides our fascination with vocabulary, reading, quotes – all things language.  My fondest memories of dad time were enjoying live music together, attending weekend Bluegrass concerts, Dixieland at Del Mar racetrack… He turned me on to some of my all time favorite musicians.  Pete Fountain & Lightening Hopkins on reel to reel tapes, Clarence Gatemouth Brown, Mark Oconner…the list goes on.

A love of music was something Jeff & I shared, too.  The first time I went to his house to pick him up to go surf Old Man’s I checked out his record collection and was impressed with the eclectic mix.  The excitement of discovering new music was something I highly valued.   Anyway, tangent…where was I?  Oh Yeah, the show Friday night – midway through Doyle brought his young adult daughter on stage for a few songs.  She played mandolin and sang like a songbird.  He spoke about the important things in life, his family, and the joy he is living now as he reaps what he has sowed, like playing music with his daughter.  His words couldn’t have touched me more.  There was definitely a preacher like quality to him, and some of the songs he played, and asked the audience to sing along with, were moving hymns.  He ended by encouraging the audience to find personal ways to give back.  I should have known I would be needing kleenex in my purse.  I felt like he was talking to me!  He & Haley have played at Saddleback Church a number of times so maybe you have heard their brilliance.

So that was Friday night.  Replenishing music for the soul.  (Rick & Lynn, Jennifer, Cathy, Donna… – I thought of you knowing you would really appreciate their faith based songs.)