Today would have been Jeff’s 51^st birthday.  Being a school day with soccer practice we commemorated it at Fisherman’s.  Having the kids play on the beach afterwards allowed me a few minutes to breathe and let some memories wash over me.  The girl’s soccer coach this year is one of Jeff’s amazing former students, Danielle Page, so I got the best hug from her and that began to break down my fragile composure.  Later in the evening Kylee was in tears missing Daddy & because no one remembered it was his birthday.  And then we checked Facebook.  Mel left a wonderful tribute to Jeff and there were so many other touching, heartfelt messages.  We gathered around the computer and as I read them all through tears we huddled in closer with the kids putting their arms around me & each other.  As I was writing my response to express our gratefulness for the thoughts and memories everyone shared, Kylee wanted me to let everyone know we felt so loved. And we do, truly. 

This morning Hurly said he was heading to Trail 3 to spend some time with Jeff, and sent his love to the kids…day in & day out he’s provided an unbroken connection to Jeff’s love for us.  There are just no words to express how much that valued devotion supports each of us.

These days life goes along from one interesting, fun thing to the next, filled with creative projects, playing music, spending time with family & friends, focusing on rebuilding stamina & strength with Xbox Kinects Your Shape, experiencing new things like taking all the kids mountain biking for the first time to Aliso Woods.  (Only Kylee crashed mildly near the end of the ride, but exploring the cave rock and the water crossings made it worthwhile).

We took a super fun road trip to Central Cal over Presidents Day.  Hit Montana De Oro for a hike, Morro Bay, Avila Beach, and then met Richard & Beth for a night in Pismo.  Flew kites & walked the dogs on the beach.  Later Torrey said it was the best day of her life with the kites and dogs!  A great time!

When we lost Jeff it was like a huge piece was missing from our life’s “pie” for so long, but we’ve gradually filled in that space. We miss him in so many ways, but not so acutely every day.  Last Easter was hell as it fell on his birthday.  This year we sailed through it.  Besides the incredible amount of love he brought to us, I miss not having his wisdom & input on matters large & small.  I ask myself “what would Jeff think”. 

Knowing how supportive he would have been gave me the courage to undergo reconstructive surgery over Spring break.  But I wouldn’t have moved forward if it weren’t for Bethe’s immediate and wholehearted backing.  She made it do-able.  There is nothing like having someone care for you physically to deepen a bond.  Other friends pitched in with kid coverage so I could rest.  Kris stayed the night and it was sooo nice to have that time with her.  Kelly & Marina did some dr appt driving and I joked I had to have major surgery to get some alone time with them!  Almost 2 weeks out now, and happy with the results thus far.  Kids are anxious to see the incisions, but I want them to heal more to avoid the Frankenstein shock.  Can’t wait to get back in the water, and start rebuilding mobility and strength. 

Planning a trip to Michigan this summer so kids can meet their grown cousins.  Spend a little time at my brothers trailer on the lake and get the Midwestern experience.  Would love to get back up to Lassen, but have been thinking about a Kern River trip instead.

Then there’s also Relay for Life at the end of July.  I better call it a night and get rested up!

Happiness is…

…getting annual CT/PET scan results showing “no evidence of disease.”  And no reasons for any follow up tests, either!  AND, not having to do the scan again next year since we’re through the criticality years for recurrence!!!!  Barely made it outside of Dr’s office to collapse on a bench in the dappled sun & let the tears of relief from “what if” worries flow.

…throwing a Black Friday Anti-Mall crafting evening to get friends together for creativity and fun.  Having friends that like that sort of thing.

….taking kids on ski trip to Brianhead, Utah.  Having many generous friends to borrow gear for the trip.  Getting awesome weather for the first 2 days.  Torrey discovering her love of skiing.  Kylee predictably bombing out of ski school.  Gavin learning a little on the slopes.  A few intermediate mom runs in the most beautiful, uncrowded, primo conditions.  A final day of too cold weather, filled with Monopoly while I finished up Xmas gift crafts.  Having a great neighbor family to share our trip and help with chains!

...Bethe offering to wrap Xmas presents so I didn't have to upon return from trip.  As you can imagine, wrapping presents is probably thee most lonely activity.

...returning from trip to find "Santa" (Richard & Jud) had painted bathroom ceiling from when I had the water damage.  I didn't even notice.  Soooo sweet & touching of them!!!

…getting in some lap swimming with Hurly on days almost too beautiful to believe.  Outdoor shower blissfulness in the warm sun!  (We all had a scare in Nov when Hurly fainted, and then spent some time in ER, then hospitalized as heart issues were identified and addressed.  I was in quite the state of anxiety with worry, but didn’t mention anything to the kids.  They don’t need to carry that burden, too!)

…getting the amazing good news that Jeanne won’t be needing a bone marrow transplant urgently after all.  From test results w/UCLA Dr, turns out her diagnosis isn’t as dire, although still very serious and threatening.  The best Xmas present ever!!!!!

…Christmas with family & loved ones.  Homemade gifts from the heart.  My cherished niece, Katie, made a Tree of Life sculpture (one of my obsessions), w/the absolutely most precious sentiment written on the wooden circle.  When it hit me what it was I burst into tears.  (I know, I’m the biggest cry-baby ever, for the last 4.5 yrs)  Then Bethe gave me something she created that will remain in our family forever.  I’ll try to explain it – it’s a pillow made from heirloom linens from her family, decorated with my most favorite picture of my mom on it in a kind of sepia tone, (a professional photo when she was probably in her late 20’s, in a dancing gown with an expression that so epitomizes her spirit), and a quote from one of my all- time favorite movies I recently shared with the girls, Strictly Ballroom.  “Listen to the rhythm, don’t be scared.”  It’s the mom in the movie telling the dancer to feel the rhythm in his beating heart and don’t be afraid to follow his dream.  As you can imagine, another flood of tears for this incredibly creative, unique, personal heart-felt gift that perfectly expresses a guiding philosophy I need to live by.  On my card to Bethe I wrote, “To my partner in creativity, fun, and learning…from the luckiest sis-in-law/friend.”  What richness I continue to find in our relationship.

…enjoying the bounty life offers, (although always gently harboring the sadness that Jeff is not here to share it).  Every joy has a simultaneous tinge of sorrow, so all I can do is commemorate his zest for life by creating a deeply satisfying life of our own.

Cheers!

Ruthe

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

9/2.  Gavin turned 12 today.  Shares his birth date with my late mom, so I was thinking of her life, too, and how it shaped mine.  We were vaguely kicking around the idea of going to the season opening Triton football game tonight, but when Hurly stopped by with a SCHS hat & polo shirt for Gavin, it inked the plan.  (He announces the games).  I had forgotten years ago, the scoreboard scrolled Happy Birthday Gavin!  Another priceless memory was created tonight when Hurly announced a Happy Birthday to a very special Triton fan, Gavin Spear…  I heard Gavin tell his friend, “That made me feel really good.”  I can tell you it made me feel soooo much love for Hurly!!!!  He never stops investing himself in our family.

We invested some of our life in a trip to Joe & Jo-Jo’s Mt Lassen cabin in Aug and reaped rewards beyond consideration.  Almost didn’t go, since we already had one nature vacation on the books, but when Joe told us how disappointed they were to hear we were iffy, it hit me, “of COURSE we’re coming up, how could we miss out on this wonderful opportunity to hang with upber-cool people who are completely engaged with the kids, and have so much to offer our family in the ways of experience and example and love???!!!”

Joe takes a free shuttle 3 hrs down to Sacramento to meet us at the airport with p-nut butter & jelly sandwiches (except for the 1 Jo-Jo made for Torrey with no jelly) for the rental car drive back up.  I got to tell the kids one of my favorite stories about a dear friend no longer with us, Peter, who made 100 apple spice loafs for Xmas gifts; 99 with raisins and 1 without for me – how special it made me feel, to be worth that effort in his eyes.  I hope Torrey absorbed that message.

We had planned to skip hiking to the peak of Mt Lassen since we had such a perfect hiking experience in the Eastern Sierras, but Gavin was totally up for it when Jo-Jo offered to take him along for a Ranger Guided Full Moon hike.  Her 69^th birthday was in a few weeks so it was inspiring to see her gear up for the hike to 10,000’!  Gavin froze since we didn’t have evening altitude hiking stuff, but he was so proud of himself, as we were of him!!!!

Other highlights included a family hike out to Devil’s Kitchen, an area of active bubbling mineral springs, like Yellowstone.  After the hike we partook in the natural mineral springs water heated pool at Drakesbad, a rustic resort camp out in the middle of nowhere, (I’m talking 45 minutes of driving through forest to turn off on a dirt road for another 20 minutes driving even deeper into the woods), and then had dinner there.  It was one of those truly unique places!  When we got in our car to leave there was a tiny, maybe 1”, baby praying mantis in the car.  So cool!  And then, as the sun set we crossed a bridge to see a family of dear in the creek.

The next day, after walking around the area, Jo-Jo took us to an unbelievably awesome “swimmin’ hole” by their cabin.  Two streams converged to form the pool, with a cascading waterfall on one side, & a big rock in the middle for everyone to sit on for pictures.  It was truly a place of paradise for me, the kind of place I love most, and watching the kids enjoy it was the icing…

One day Joe took Gavin on 2 long hikes; to Bumbas Hell’s, a 26 acre area of active geological bubbling springs,with a great story about how it was named, and Kings Creek Falls, a huge, multi-layer waterfall.  While they are on their strenuous excursion Jo-Jo took us girls on a scenic tour of Mt Lassen National Park.  The lakes in the upper regions still had ice and there was snow to play in on a crystal clear, warm day.  Scenery doesn’t get any more sharp & brilliant.  Plus, no crowds!  We met up for lunch at another remote spot.  The back porch dining area overlooked a meadow with a jungle jim play area the girls dug while Jo-Jo & I got to chat over our shakes.

One afternoon we relaxed on the cabin porch while the kids built structures from wood block remnants of Joe’s firewood shed building project.  Evenings were mellow affairs consisting of card games & reading.  Very relaxing.

Came across a book on Jo-Jo’s shelves that led me to a page about the value of feeling a sense of belongingness.  I looked around the cabin at the kids, Joe & Jo-Jo and felt that warm sense of belonging to a bigger family unit.  We belonged together, and that togetherness provides a rich and enriching experience for all of us.  Who woulda’ thunk those 30 years ago when I was working at the smoothie bar in Laguna & met Joe it would lead to an apprentice carpentry gig, through living on a farm in Eugene,  a delightful friend in Jo-Jo, who has my deepest admiration, and a lifelong friendship that nurtures our family. 

Came back refreshed and replenished to a few weeks of summer crazy fun-ness before first week of school craziness.  I was in a meeting at the office when a friend sent me an email with the news of SCHS being evacuated due to a bomb threat!  Then the power outage and school closure!  Unsettling.  I just wanted to hunker down into the back to school Fall season.  The trees on Del Cerro are setting the tone with their foliage glowing in the afternoon light.

And so it’s the end of Oct already.  I’ve had time to post but it’s like playing music, I have to be moved.  Today I was moved mightily.  Backing up to homecoming game on Friday, or even back to the first day of school when Gavin came home & announced his PE teacher’s son was Mr Spear’s student.  Mrs Wilson called me within the week to tell me what a big impact Jeff had on her older son, Joe.  I can never hear this enough.  Having a connection to his dad as he started his Middle School experience helped Gavin establish his sense of place, his belongingness in a new space.  So back to Hurly –again.  When we go to the Triton football games Hurly takes Gavin on the field before the game starts and plays catch.  It’s a big deal for Gavin.  Well, at homecoming Hurly introduced Gavin to the quarterback, Travis, and he tossed the ball to Gavin for a bit.  On Monday the first thing Gavin tells me about his day is that his PE teacher said she heard he played catch with her son!  He was all stoked about this connection.  I mention to Hurly about Gavin’s teacher.  Turns out he had her older son in his class, and now has Travis.  Unbeknownst to me, Hurly took Travis aside to let him know how much it meant to Gavin to be on the field with him, & thanked him for helping him keep a promise to Jeff to always make sure the kids & I knew how much Jeff loved us.  He stressed to Travis his importance as a role model and to never miss a chance to do what may seem like a small deed that may have an enormous impact on another person.  Of course Travis in turn tells this to his mom.  Then, I’m at work today when an email pops up from Hurly to Mrs Wilson relating his conversation with Travis and noting what a pleasure it has been to have her sons in his classes.  It so reminded me of the calls I used to hear Jeff make to parents to commend them on how well their kids were doing in his class, always building them up.  I had to take a time out from my cubicle to compose myself.  Thought I had pulled it together when I see her response to Hurly.  Among other things, she wrote, “When our children walk out our door we hope they are kind, loving, hard-working and give back to others.”  What a reflection on their parenting skills producing these solid characters in her sons .

 It’s hard to express how vitally important it is to me when something like this happens in our lives.  My response to them both was something along the lines of how having adults & younger role models whose generous efforts & care make Gavin feel special also demonstrate to him his worthiness and shows the path for him to take. I can plainly see the difference of this nurturing in his posture, his very being, as he navigates the Middle School transition and impending adolescence.

Thanks to people like Mrs Wilson, who is raising fine young men, & Hurly, Gavin has truly amazing examples of what it looks like to be a good human!   I came across a quote I read to the kids at the dinner table just last week, “You are not what happened to you, but what you choose to become.”  Carl Jung. 

As we near the 3^rd anniversary of losing Jeff I’m so strengthened by this beautiful convergence of humanity.  Jeff’s biggest anguish was that he wouldn’t be around to guide his children.  As it turns out we’re the beneficiaries of major investment, major love, guiding us to our higher selves.

One last quote, from the same magazine, same issue, different article, hit home, too.  “We survive to fulfill our purpose to others.” 

And so it’s now Oct 30^th.  How 3 years have passed I can’t quite comprehend.  I was relieved when Bethe planned a Café Del Sol breakfast and Trestle’s walk for the morning.  Always a relaxing and calming excursion.  There was a moment when I could have taken a rest, but instead I took us to the pool.  I thought some laps would both soothe & wear me out, and an outdoor showeron a warm day is recuperative.  Enjoyed the kids in the pool, except for Torrey who had lost some skin on her toes in an altercation with a shopping cart yesterday.   Left the kids at home to do a quick food shop and it was there in the Alb parking lot that the walls crumbled, so I made a call to Erika, responding to her text offering company,  “laughs or cries,” and it was good to feel her love and share the weight of sadness.  Another message from Lisa, “through tragedy and triumphs, sun rises & sunsets…”.    Mel posted the classic Sierra picture commemorating today.  Hurly has been in touch these last few days, spreading the “Spear cheer.”  Cathy S. called this evening.  She is one of the most eloquent people I know and always says just the right thing so beautifully.  Kris also took time from her busy day moving into a new apt to let me know we’re in her thoughts.  I thanked her for being such a pillar for me, and she thought I said “pillow” and then we started laughing and I felt so so so lucky to know people who know me, that I can freely cry to and laugh with, celebrate the joys and share the sorrows.

Into November.  Did I mention I came across 3 mini DVD’s in Jeff’s stuff that cover Xmas 2006, the girls 3^rd birthday, beach days,& lots of other wonderful memories.   Cried mightily watching them for the first time with the kids.  Pricelessly sweet in their 3 & 7 yr old selves, and seeing Jeff so healthy and full of life helps replace the horrible mental images of him ill.

A few weekends ago the weather was so beautiful.  I reveled in the fact that we had no obligations on our time except to enjoy the time to the fullest. Gavin was at Alec’s so I took T & K to the harbor for granola breakfast and a leisurely walk to Baby Beach where they splashed around as I marveled in the gloriousness.  Evenings have been so relaxing as the girls have discovered the pleasure of reading.  We all snuggle on our big bed, kids reading while I crochet, (my latest obsession), and I soak up the nirvana of it all.

Holidays approaching with anticipation of warm extended family time for Thanksgiving at our house.  Togetherness, belongingness, happiness!  For Xmas I talked to the kids about scaling back on the presents and re-allocating the resources/$$$ towards creating a family trip instead.  I asked them what they remember about last Xmas, what toys they still had, and once they realized they would still get something to open under the tree got behind the idea of an experience as the big gift. 

After a day of rain, Saturday was bright and warm.  Kids all had play dates.  I postponed grocery shopping, laundry, and general weekend chores to take a brisk beach walk.  Soaking up the scenery and feelings of bliss I laughed out loud for the gift of another day…

Ruthe

Summer in full swing.  Not sure what happened to June, (besides the usual end of the year stuff), but July was filled with lots of action.  After a great holiday weekend, our trip to the Eastern High Sierras was everything I hoped for and more.  Driving up the 395, kids watching movies with headphones, me listening to my own tunes, was very relaxing.  I found myself thinking back to the times Jeff & I went up & down that highway.  When we came into Independence there is a relief from the desert of tall, very green trees lining the road, a big smile came to my face with the remembrance of these trees and then found my chin quavering as tears threatened.

Our campsite on the Upper Twin Lake 14 miles West of Bridgeport was probably one of the coolest ones I’ve ever experienced, even though it was in a crowded camp ground.  We had total privacy and a huge space creek side among the trees, where a 26’ trailer awaited out gear. One of my goals was to hike to the next deeper into the sierras lake so we headed out across a broad green meadow the next morning on our 9 mi round trip adventure to Barney Lake.  We were prepared with lots of water, picnic, and bug spray!  I’ve done a decent amount of hiking in my time and I have to say this was one of the absolutely loveliest hikes ever – perfect for the kids; moderate altitude gain through wildflower meadows, creek crossings to soak our neck scarfs to keep cool, groves of trees, lots of shade, only 22 switchbacks at the end to bring us up to a totally private, pristine lake.  We had it all to ourselves except for the chipmunk & marmot that came to check us out as we ate lunch.  We hiked along the lake to the far side where I asked the kids if they wanted to join me in scattering some of Jeff’s ashes.  Gavin joined in this time, and even got choked up.  Later on the trail he said, “Dad told me he wanted his ashes to be in a Sierra lake.”  I think it was a healing experience for Gavin to be able to fulfill Jeff’s desire and allowed him to let some of his feelings manifest.  Same for me, of course.

On the way back down the trail we stepped aside for a teenaged youth group heading up.  The adult at the end of their group stopped to chat.  Amazingly, he told Kylee & Torrey they were an inspiration to the girls in his group to show that they could do it, too.  Torrey said, “We spread our dad’s ashes at the lake…”  There was that moment of quiet as he tried to find the right words to respond. His firm handshake at our parting was very comforting to me.  I imagined him talking about our family with his group later in the day, and hoped they shared a prayer in our name.

Other days we spent exploring the other lakes in the area, especially loving June Lake.  Talk about Purple Mountain Majesty!  Gavin took the coolest picture of the lake with his Surfing Heritage Foundation Rainbow sandles on the shore.  I sent it to SHF and Barry, their curator, posted it on their facebook site, crediting Gavin! 

One day we went to Mammoth, where we were looking forward to taking the gondola to the top.  A bright, sunny 50 degrees @ 10,000 ft, perfect for snowball fights!!!  Glorious views in all directions.  Was it ONLY 24 years ago Jeff & I rode our mtn bikes down Kamikazi run from the top?  Seeing all the fun riding trails made me want to plan a mtn biking centered trip back, in a few years, of course, “Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise”, as my dad would say…

Other trip highlights…rented a 15’ fishing boat.  Pretty easy to get out of the marina, but couldn’t manage to “park” it back in.  After 3 tries I pulled up alongside the dock!  We never caught anything, but the kids sure enjoyed many hours casting, and playing lakeside.  Funny story: the kids got to talking to a family by the marina.  When we said we were from San Clemente they asked us if we knew Kane Hertsche!  (Gavin’s best friend from around 5-7)  They were relatives!

On our last day I took a road I thought might lead us to the bridge that crosses the waterfall from the upper to lower twin lakes.  Found it, took some pictures, and then explored the prettiest trail around the lake. 

Overall, it was the perfect combination vacation of relaxation & activity, and a very good time was had by all!

Got home and then went to see Sara Barallies & Sugarland in concert with Kris, Beth, & Katie.  Any time you’re walking to a concert and have a view of the ocean horizon it’s a good day to be alive!!!  Fun, fun fun!  Katie & I ran up to the front once the music started to squeeze as close as possible!

Next, there was Relay for Life, which was a wonderful event in spite of the unseasonable rain Sunday morning.  I agonized about letting Gavin stay the night, but since Monica & her kids had a tent right next to his I thought I would let him.  Then I woke @ 2 am to hear the rain, and hoped he had enough sense to move under the EZ up or something.  When it rained again @ 6 am I had to get up & head down to the high school to check on him.  He was all snuggled up in the Giacabello’s tent!!!!  His tent was 2” deep in water!!!! 

Relay this year was made so great by a few things: Hurly as Master of Ceremonies, (last year he was unexpectedly hospitalized), having Monica, Sara & Fired Up on our team, the Purple Glove Dance routine to the So You Think You Can Dance National Dance Day, (featuring the SCHS dance team, and a bunch of us game people that had attended 2 “rehearsal” days of training in the routine), and the many contacts with people that reconnected us to Jeff.  My speech at the opening ceremony, “Why I Relay,” was about staying connected to the relationships that give meaning to our lives, enriching & sustaining us.  This was the first year Gavin attended, since he’s usually at Comic Con, and I think he really enjoyed himself. 

Next adventure is heading up to Mt Lassen, where we went over Xmas break, to enjoy the area in the summer with Joe & Jo Jo as our hosts.  We were going to hike to the Lassen peak, but after viewing the hike on you tube, I decided it wasn’t that interesting, not to mention it’s steep, 10,000’, no shade or water, rocky and bright.  More fun to hike waterfalls and kayak lakes in the area.  Maybe we’ll find Gavin’s retainer we lost in the Lassen visitors center parking lot during a blizzard!

After that it’s Gavin’s birthday and school starts.  Whew.

I named the photo album of the Sierras Closer to the Sky, and that’s what I feel like we did this summer. 

High on Life,

Ruthe

“Happiness is found not in the things we collect, but in the connections we keep.”

From the lovely tribute card Gaylyn left on our doorstep on Easter, along with some kids stuff, a plant, and raspberries; so reflective her huge heart.

Once Spring break was over, (very productive for me, but I think the kids missed some sort of focal vacation activity, such as a trip), it was a matter of getting through Easter day since it coincided with Jeff’s birthday this year.  It just felt like an “off” day.  I was missing him so much but needed to focus on the fun aspects of the day for the kid’s sake.  Fortunately they were very happy with their baskets, and the day was full of extended family togetherness up at Jud’s house.  What I really wanted to do was sit contemplatively next to  Jeff’s memorial marker on Jud’s property, but the few quiet moments I did spend there threatened my fragile composure.  So when we got home and found Gaylyn’s gifts I just totally lost it, and that was ok, too, because I explained it had more to do with how meaningful it was to have someone care so much to celebrate dad, as opposed to how sad I was that he wasn’t here.

The day after my last post, where I talked about being in a better place on the healing continuum, Kylee responded to an injury with her wails of “I want my daddy.  DADDY,” and we ended up sitting on the stairs crying, and then talking about the things we missed. 

Mother’s Day was made sweet by the companionship of the Lee family for Café Del Sol breakfast and walk to Trestles. That evening, as we sat around the dinner table I asked some questions and let each child answer and then commented on their answers. 

What do you think is the easiest part of being a mother?” Gavin:  “nothing.”  Kylee: “Making your kids happy.”   My comment: It’s easy to love you. 

What is the hardest part?  Torrey:  “When you ask us to do something and we say ‘aggrrr’.” Gavin: “All the stuff you have to do”.  Kylee: “When you’re trying to work and we all say ‘mom, mom, mom.’”  My comment:  Yes, all those things can be challenging to my patience and tiring, but for me the hard part of being a mom is when you’re sick and I can’t make you feel better, or when I’m tired and still have to try to respond patiently, or when I don’t know what the best response is.

What’s the funnest part?  We agreed it was doing stuff together, and I told them I felt lucky that we enjoyed the same kinds of things, like being active outdoors, or creating things.  I also let them know I found it fun to see/help them growing up to be good humans!

So Mother’s Day was a highlight, especially after the low of Easter.

Later in the month we spent 2 weekends in downtown Laguna at a friend’s, (ex-pat Russell visiting from Africa), vacation rental.  It was a total blast being tourists, walking the kids around town, visiting the Candy Baron store, walking along Heisler Park all the way to Diver’s Cove, playing at Main beach, (we even joined in on a drum circle!), walking over to 3^rd street to watch cars driving up & down it, and then taking the Dolphinator up & down it.  The first weekend had a very high WOW factor, visiting Wyland gallery, and walking around town with all the sights & activity to take in.  For me it was also filled with flashbacks, from when my brother & I took the bus from El Toro all summer, walking to Diver’s Cove, to when Kris & I hung out at Main Beach, to the years working & living in Laguna – I told the kids soooo many stories. 

The next weekend was the girls birthday weekend; they turned 8 on Friday 20^th.  They started their birthday weekend celebrations with a party Gaylyn gave them after school, (later I learned it was also her deceased dad’s birthday so giving the girls a party was a way for her to stay in the day and help her get through missing him on his birthday). Then the Frey family met us at Ruby’s for dinner.  They love Gavin’s friend Alec’s little twin brothers!!!!  After their soccer game Saturday we headed back to Laguna, where the Lee family, Kris & Mason came over for dinner and cake.  Kris’s birthday is also the 20^th!

I had stumbled upon the coolest candle making studio next door to where we were staying so I inked the girl’s kid party there for Sunday.  2 of their friends from school came.  It’s a really neat set up:  Pure Light Studio, where you get to select your candle shape, wax colors, scent, and trinkets.  You cut up the wax, put it into your mold, decorate with your trinkets, including writing a message and putting it in a bottle, and then hot wax is poured in.  It takes an hour to cool.  During that time we went back to the house where I made lunch while kids watched Tangled.  Everyone had a great time and we have adorable keepsakes from the day.  I recommend it as a fun thing to do with your creative adult friends, too.

When we returned home the girls had many birthday phone and facebook messages.  I had posted a request to make them feel extra loved and they certainly did!  So much gratitude goes out to everyone who took the very few moments to make that positive effort.  Hurly came by with presents, too, but the biggest gift he continues to give is keeping them connected to their dad, in the conversation I could see him having outside with Kylee, talking about how much her dad loved her & how proud he would be of her.  Torrey was inside and the private time didn’t present itself but Hurly said he would get the same message to her when the time was right.  I just can’t love him enough.  Earlier in the week, when I was working in Gavin’s class, Miss Richardson, a kindergarten teacher with a son on Hurly’s golf team, stopped in to let me know at the awards banquet it was a very emotional speech when Hurly presented Jeff’s honorary award.

Reviewing the weekend with them I asked what the highlights were and they both responded the party Gaylyn gave them and Rubys with Christian & Quinn (the twins).

During the next week we learned a friend’s grown grandson of very modest means unexpectedly gained custody of his 2 young children, as well as another child that has only known him as dad.   The kids came with the clothes on their back, and they needed everything, starting with a car seat.  Sent a message out on fb.  Meg dropped a carseat, Tanya brought over toys, I went through the girls clothes, and put together a care package of necessities.   Others are poised to bring in their church resources.  The village it takes to raise children in action.

Well, needless to say, after a few weekends of whoopin’ it up away from home, and crazy busy @ work between, I was so happy to have a nice mellow Memorial Day weekend planned.  The weather cooperated by not being too nice so I could get stuff done around the house, and actually relax a bit.  Saturday the Lee’s came over for BBQ & Ryan B-day cake.  Chilly Sunday took blankets outside on the patio loveseat and snuggled with girls & a magazine.  Good stuff.  Then Monday dawned beautiful so we took a long walk on the nature trail with Alec, Christian & Quinn.  That would have been enough for me, but Gavin was insistent on getting down to the beach so after lunch we met up with the Bells & Krufuls @ Calafia.  Lots of kids for everyone to play with while I got to chat with the moms & watch the big surf action!  Very nice way to cap off the holiday.

All in all, in a good space.  Getting a clean 3 month check up last week sure lifted that huge weight, & gave me a jolt of energy to go full speed ahead through the summer, till next appt.   I was a little apprehensive going in since I’ve lost a few pounds and was worried that might be a red flag, (damn cancer; can’t even enjoy losing weight!), but anytime I leave the drs office with normal range test results and no “just in case” follow up tests recommended, I’m euphoric/manic happy!!!

I’ve been juicing veg’s a lot in the last few weeks, and Kylee even joins me in my healthy beverage, so I think that also helps me feel light.

As the days lengthen & brighten, I hope the light extends into your life, too.  With the tragedy of 2 local families losing their dads in the last few weeks, it brings back how dark that early time of shock & mourning were, and illuminates how far we’ve come.  It feels so good to help others in need after all the support we received that got us through it.  The connections we keep sustain us and continue to nurture our growth.

In Loving Light,

Ruthe

P.S. The Blessings Unlimited fundraiser we had at our home right after Easter returned $250 to Team In-Spear-ation!!! Bless you Cathy S and all the friends that picked up neat stuff & helped out our team.  The Relay for Life is 7/30, with the team kick-off BBQ 6/25.  There’s still plenty of opportunity for involvement if you want to participate as a team member, or just show up for the event.  We’re doing the dunk tank again, and adding a new fundraising element:  Sarah H, Fired Up owner, is on the team and bringing shapes people can purchase & paint there, and then pick up at Fired Up!!!  She brings her own very special high energy to the event this year and I’m so stoked she joined us!!!

Has it really been over 3 months since the last update?  I make the notes in my head of what I want to share but end up choosing to do something else beside get them down on “paper.”  I miss being here!

Got the new year off to a not so good start with Pneumonia – that was my January.  It stunk being so sick, especially since the weather was spectacular!  Also, because it flung opened the memory door to the insane asylum that was chemo, and then Jeff’s illness.  Kids coped well to my lack of energy, but I could tell they were relieved to see me getting back to health.  Gavin, especially, wanted to know specifically how long it would take for the meds to work!  Got through it with the help of the Lee family; with some meals, & Ryan helping with the kids.  Truest Blessings are family there for you.

I think in part to make up for missing January I felt driven to ink our summer vacation.  After lots of research, and talking to friends, opted for the Sierras.  Load up the Dolphinator, hit the 395 and arrive at a 26’ 5^th wheel parked creek-side on Upper Twin Lakes.  Fishing, boating, hiking, bike riding, etc.  If this sounds heavenly to you, too, I can give you the links.  Had to plan it around Gavin’s annual pilgrimage to Comic-Con with Alec’s family, and before Relay for Life, so July will again be very busy!

Gavin went to 5^th Grade Science Camp in Arrowhead the 1^st week in Feb.  I’m glad we had a winter experience so he’s comfortable gearing up for the weather.  It was cooooold up there, but Erika’s wool socks kept him warm!!!  Of course, Kylee was beside herself missing him.  We hid a bunch of notes and pictures in his suitcase!  There was a noticeable level of increased confidence and maturity to his demeanor with the experience.

We all felt good the long Presidents Day weekend with special guests for lunch.  I made my new favorite recipe; Spicy Shrimp & Grits, for Bethany, her bf Bryan, her mom, and mom’s friend.  It was very nice to have great company in the house.  The first thing Bryan did was get on the trampoline with the kids so he was an instant hit!  Bethany ended up teaching us how to play Apples to Apples.  We had the game and had heard it was fun, but were just getting to the point of playing games so all it took was a mention and out came the cards.  Lots of silly fun.  I taught the kids how to play scrabble over the weekend and we stayed up too late playing, with me assisting each turn.  They like it, (even though the pace is too slow for their attention span), and I’m happy to encourage using their minds. 

Not sure where March went.  Had a few special days with Joe & Jo Jo as houseguests.  After they headed back to Oregon I actually felt a little down, wishing we had more time to spend together.  They brought such warmth into the house, giving the kids so much attention. 

The day before they arrived I discovered a water leak in the ceiling of the downstairs bathroom.  Big concern it was something major but after a few exploratory holes it was repaired quickly.  What a relief!  The plumber had Mr. Spear as his teacher!    Now I just need to get the holes patched, but since I don’t look up that much, it’s not a pressing priority!

Got all 3 signed up for soccer at the Boys & Girls club.  Kylee wasn’t planning on playing soccer but Hurly encouraged her and that was all it took!  The night before the first practice she was stressing out, but ended up giving it her all! 

I think that Super full moon, (biggest in 18 yrs?), had an impact on my energy in a good way.  In a flurry of activity I moved the monster dresser drawers out of the master bedroom, (garage sale this weekend!), and re-purposed some other furniture in the house to make the room more cozy.  Also hung some old artwork from Jeff’s grandmother’s house that I’ve always loved.  It gives the room more personality.  After the kids are in bed I retire to my “nest” & futz around with various creative projects; embroidery, crocheting, tracing & coloring embroidery projects.  Very calming, yet invigorating. 

This week off for Spring break, taking a stay-cation.  Getting to long neglected tasks, (can you say taxes), and projects that need a little extra time & energy.  Started off by climbing up on the bank in the backyard and weeding for 3 hrs.  We’re talking 4 huge trash bags of vegetation!!!  Yes, I’m still sore from the effort but it looks a LOT better.  Took no small amount of will power not to rush over to the nursery for some color to fill in.  As I was up on the bank I reflected back to the time when Ann, Aleta, Sandy, and their crew came over to plant the bank so Jeff would have something of beauty to look out upon…

I find myself lately able to talk about or refer to Jeff without getting choked up or having to look away with misty eyes, and it feels kind of strange.  I’ll think of something and will smile fondly instead.  Still crazy miss him, his partnership and the dad aspect, but with more of a sigh versus a sob.  There are those times when it sneaks up on me, or surprises me with a breakdown acknowledgement of the lingering, ever-present sorrow & sense of loss, but the recovery time is shorter.  And sometimes the effort to just be handling it well, making a life joy-filled for the kids and meaningful for me leaves me fatigued.  Then I’ll notice something beautiful during the day, hear a piece of music, have a supportive conversation, get back in the here & now of a relaxing walk with the kids, or some such thing, and the coin turns over to reveal the wonder of existence again.

Latest song I’m learning, Collective Soul “Reunion” rings true to where I am these days…

Change will come, change is here

Love fades out, then love appears

Now my water’s turned to wine

And these thoughts I have

I now claim as mine

I’m coming home

Change has been, and change will be

Time will tell, then time will ease

Now my curtain has been drawn

And my heart can go

where my heart does belong

I’m going home

Wishing you safe travels on your own journey “home”,

Ruthe

2011 Already????? 

So much life packed into the last 6 weeks!  We cruised through the week before Xmas blissfully under-extended!  Holiday baking?  Didn’t get to it!  Holiday shopping?  Did most of it in my PJ’s online right after Thanksgiving.  Proud to not have neared a mall, except for our Santa picture.  Christmas day was completely low key and immensely enjoyed, with presents @ home, then to R & B’s for Eggs Bennie & family Christmas, then back to our house for dinner.  We had a very special guest with Grandpa Spear in attendance.

Notable gifts were a Sara Bareilles CD from my niece, Katie, with an exquisitely beautiful song “Kaleidoscope Heart” that has completely consumed me.  ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gY01SBClt8   Give it a listen if you like the feel of goose bumps!), a book Kris made of sheet music , “Kris & Ruthe’s Song Book”, interspersed with pictures of us over the years, and our desktop computer completely re-vamped with a new graphics card so Gavin can play Mine Craft from Unk.   Being together for the holidays, in good health, and not shrouded by aching sadness, was the seasons blessing.

The day after was spent packing all the borrowed heavy weather gear for our first trip to the snow. (Wool socks now have a special place in my heart, thanks Erika!).  We had no idea what to expect beyond “the cabin @ Mt Lassen,” (just South of Shasta).  Flew out of Long Beach to Sacramento, where Joe met us for the drive up. Turns out the cabin was absolutely perfect for a fun, relaxing few days of snow play, saucering, snowshoeing in a near blizzard, inner-tubing…all the quintessential winter experiences the kids have never had.  But the very best part was hanging with Joe & Jo Jo in their totally custom, artsy cabin.  I had huge withdrawal issues upon our return home when I woke up and there was no cup of French roast, roaring fire, and heated bathroom waiting!  Joe & Jo Jo were wonderful “grandparents” to the kids, baking, playing endless games of chess & go fish, and generally being very easy to be around.  We’re already planning to return during the summer for the hiking!

Kicked 2011 off by turning in my cox cable box.  Jeff had way too many channels for his cycling & sport coverage, and we just don’t watch TV much.  Felt good to lighten up.

 A modest birthday celebration versus last year’s big bash, but satisfying none the less.  Dinner out with Richard & Beth sans kids gave us the opportunity to have much appreciated adult conversation!  We were very pleasantly surprised to see how busy Del Mar was, too!

My birthday gift to myself was downloading the sheet music to Kaleidoscope Heart and trying to learning it for an hour while the kids played on the computer!

I so loved all the birthday messages posted on facebook.   For my appreciative response I had to reference 2 sources to express my feelings….

Mark Twain “…to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” Birthday Messages Math: your friendship multiplied my joy, reminding me yet again “the time that we fill while we’re on Earth should not be alone. We are meant to be known. You make me what I’m worth.” Jon McLaughlin

All The Colors Of the Rainbow, (did you click on the youtube link?)
Ruthe

I’m on top of the world, bursting with energy refocused from the fear of annual PET/CT test results once I learned everything was A-OK on Th.  What a relief!  Green light – GO, full speed ahead!  I did the scans early Nov but postponed the results appt till after Thanksgiving so it’s been a tense month.  Battling part preparing for the possible worst and trying to get Xmas locked down, part psyching myself how great it will be to hear the good news.  Incredible amount of energy going into that dichotomy.

So, where were we?  Thanksgiving was lovely.  Katie brought a friend from school, Leo, who was just a gem and very musically gifted.  He was so sweet, saying that when he was invited to a family dinner he was almost in tears he was so happy not to be spending it on campus, since his parents live in AK.  He fit right in and enriched our celebration.  We had an early meal since Jantz had to leave for a track meet in Fresno and it worked out really well.  It seemed like there was more to the day, and relaxing since there was no bed time/tired girls to cut short the evening.  We all walked across the street to take in the spectacular sunset and move around a little after a simple but great meal.  I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Everyone is so “present” in their recognition of the graces for which they are thankful.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.  ~Thornton Wilder

A few weekends ago the girls & I visited Mel in the hospital after his surgery.  Later, his wife, Tass, told me how much it meant to him for us to visit, understanding hospitals and situations involving lung cancer aren’t easy to face.  For me, it meant a lot to be there for Jeff’s friend, and repaying the support from when they came over with the oxygen for Jeff in the very beginning, and Tass was the friend there near the end to explain from her nurse perspective what was going on so I knew what to expect. 

Last night I drove out to what seemed like the near end of the Earth, Balboa Saloon, to Mel’s Cancer Free Jubilee, to toast his successful procedure.  Then hit Shani’s Karaoke party for some lighthearted fun! 

As I was driving to Newport I got a call from home…Ryan was babysitting and a little rough-housing involving a scrabble board resulted in Torrey getting a tooth knocked out!  A primary one that was a little loose to start, but not really near the falling out stage.  I heard there was a lot of blood, but it was Torrey, so not a big deal, and Ryan handled it well.  (Kylee had a loose tooth ready to go right before thanksgiving and she was beside herself unable to eat anything – you know there’s drama when smoothies, jello & pudding are rejected.  It was unaccountably satisfying when I had the opportunity to dab at the bleeding and just happened to pull it out!!!!!  Back to happy, and hungry, KyKy!)

So Jeanne is here!  We made a Welcome Home banner for her house and decorated with balloons for her arrival.  It was so good to be able to give her hugs!  (The donor drive was well attended and many signed her “guestbook” with wonderful message of love.)

Speaking of the drive.  Gina gave us t-shirts for the 2^nd Annual Spear-it event.  So last weekend I decide to make the library the goal for a long walk with the girls from North Beach, and as we’re cruising the beach trail we see a teenager wearing the shirt.  The girls were sooo excited because it has a picture of Jeff’s face on it, so I said, “we saw daddy today on the beach trail.”  Made our day!  It was a 3 ½ hr excursion, including an unplanned side trip to Wee-peats for jackets, gloves and snow boots, (add 10 more lbs to mom’s pack), and a picnic lunch on the library lawn, plus 4 free magazines, and 3 books, so I got quite the workout!  Girls were in bed by 7:30.  (Gavin went to the desert with Fred & family for the holiday weekend).

Gavin started LaCrosse this week.  What an intense workout!  He loves the gear, “Mom, I look like a Spartan!”  Our neighbor Lori set us up with all the accoutrements so that made it affordable.  The girls have enjoyed running around the park area with a few little boys while I walked laps around the field, so we’re all fitting in a little aerobic action.  An adjustment adding another 3 hrs a week, though.

With the renewed lease on life, (and it really is a lease, isn’t it?), I did something I’ve never done before today; mowed & edged the lawn!  I’ve watched Jeff, and paid attention when Unk did it a few weeks ago, and it’s not that big of a deal, but it was one of those things I had never done myself and wanted to tackle.  I must be out of shape because I was tired afterwards, but it felt good to do.  Kylee followed me around, cheerleading the whole time!  Nothing like a little sense of accomplishment to square the shoulders.  Today the lawn, tomorrow ???

After a little down time to get my second wind, I got up in the attic to bring down the Xmas stuff.  Sketchy, with a too short ladder, a chore really best left to a teenager, but no mishaps, and the kids were very helpful.

Visited Hurly this morning with the kids.  We hit donut store as part of our grocery shopping trip, and I remembered he likes their croissants so it was an excuse to drop in on him.  He’s up & about after hip replacement surgery the day before thanksgiving.

Nothing big on the agenda for tomorrow – December is flying by.  I booked our flights to Sacramento 12/27, where we’ll get a car and drive to Shasta to stay with Joe & JoJo in their cabin for a few days.  Should be fun, since the kids haven’t really experienced snow.  I still need to gear up so we can take long walks, build snowmen, have snowball fights, do the tube slides, etc.  Looking forward to it, but shoot, I’m looking forward to everything at this point!  Thinking a little ahead to Spring break, and then summer already.  Gotta’ have something on the books to keep the momentum going! 

Saying YES to life!

Ruthe

(It’s really 11/7, Sunday afternoon but I started this 10/30/10…)

9,597 days with him, 730 days without.   Looking back on pictures from the last 2 years it amazes me how many good times there have been, and so sad that he hasn’t been here to share in them.  I see the smiles on the kids faces, their voices singing from their open hearts and think how well they have adjusted to life without their dad.  (At least outwardly -  Part of them may hate the pool as much as I do for all the kids there playing with their dads.)  Just this week, as the girls were in line before school, there was an announcement about Red Ribbon Week and Kylee whisper-shouted over to me, “MOM, red ribbons, like when daddy died…”  All those ribbons representing all the lives he touched. 

Messages from friends remembering this day he left their lives and reminding us we’re in their thoughts helped tremendously to get through another anniversary.  I would have liked to have had some contemplative “wife” time, but didn’t plan ahead so it’s “mom” time, instead.   The kids aren’t tuned in to the significance of today so I don’t bring it up, focusing them on Halloween preparations.  We recognize & celebrate his birthday instead.

I haven’t felt the desire to put anything on paper for a while…a combination of nothing compelling, or if something does stick with me there’s not much energy left at the end of demanding days to focus enough to string words together coherently, (not that I do tonight, which is probably pretty obvious!)

In fact, I’m going to pause here with the intention of returning this weekend when I’m not in the end of the day/end of the week/got nothin’ left mode…

OK, it’s Sunday afternoon.  The kids & Ryan are out on the trampoline so I can fit a few words in.  I remembered 2 other reasons I haven’t opened a word doc in the last month…I’ve been so down about the situations 2 friends find themselves in.  A case of “I can’t even believe this” with Mel, Jeff’s great friend from night crew & Sierra trips, (he left an awesome commemorating post on my fb page last week), being diagnosed with non-smoking lung cancer & is going in for surgery 11/12 to remove part of his lung.  Fortunately, he’s stage 1, so has a good chance of being around a lot longer.  In a weird way I feel like his prostate cancer saved his life, because he wouldn’t have gotten a PET scan and found the tumor in time if he hadn’t been under an oncologists care.

Then there’s Jeanne.  You’ve read about what a truly special, loving, giving person she is from the days she was there for us, until she moved to Florida for her husbands work.   Dr’s finally figured out she has an advanced case of a rare form of leukemia.  They are moving back to SC early Dec to be near friends & family as she goes through bone marrow transplant treatment.  100 days in the hospital.  I’m consumed with ideas & plans to organize support her & her family through this ordeal.  It’s just hit me hard to know someone else so full of love & life having to go through hell.

Every year Gina Cousineau runs the Be A Hero, Become a Donor blood & marrow registry drive at SCHS, in Jeff’s memory the last 2 years.  This year we are tying in with this event to marshal support for Jeanne.  It’s 11/19, 8-1 pm.  Come on down, get a cheek swab for the marrow registry, and give blood if you can.  It’s really a great, personal gift of yourself and you’ll feel so good to do something so selfless. With my med history I can’t do either so the least I can do is get the word out.  We’re going to have a “guestbook” for everyone to leave messages, (her birthday is the 20^th, only 37!!! ).

There have been bright spots in October that remind me how great it is to have good friends & family to pitch in.  Giao, another one of Gavin’s mom’s, was there when I needed a Plan B in case the nurse called with Kylee sick as I had work appointments.  You moms know how hard it is to ask for help with a sick kid.  There was no hesitation on her part.  Then I had to go out & back to Palm Desert for a work meeting last week and she handled picking up the kids, getting them to tennis, feeding them dinner, etc.  When I went to pick them up from her house Thursday evening, I walked in with an “I’m hoooome!”  It’s like having another home with her family.  The best part for me was being able to sit down with her for a bit to talk while the kids played.  The more I know her the more I love her!!!!

My brother has been coming over to do some manly man work around the yard; sprinklers, and lawn mowing with the weed whacker until he got the mower going today.  What a great guy!  I tell the girls how much it means to me to have Richard’s family there for us, (we met them for breakfast this morning before taking a walk down to Trestle’s), and hope they are lucky enough to live near each other when they’re adults.

Walking the beach trail that beautiful day last weekend I was giving Kylee a big hug for something.  A runner was coming toward us and when he passed he said “you’re a great mom.”   I was so grateful for a stranger’s comment, it made my day.  It’s so easy to beat yourself up for the things you don’t handle best, or berate yourself for being impatient, or for not being the “fun” parent dad was, that something like that totally cheered me.  And then, as I was leaving Talega Church after voting, Tim came out to say hi.  I had met him at the Relay for Life.  He took the time to tell me he thought I was doing a good job.  So close to the anniversary of losing Jeff, I needed to hear something positive, and was very appreciative of his kinds words. 

I had the opportunity to sneak in a quick surf session during the beautiful weather.  Couldn’t believe I was out in my spring suit, in great waves!  When I was coming home from Palm Desert I drove past Cathy C’s house & thought about how I needed to say hi one of these days… so the cool thing was as I was unloading my board, who goes riding by on her bike, but Cathy!!!  Icing on the cake, baby!!!  So it was a gorgeous day in the water where I could just decompress.  Jeff & I had so many good times @ Trail 6 it seemed everywhere I looked I “saw” him.  I was physically sore the next day, but with that smile in the heart feeling I have been missing lately.

Another recent occurrence brought a smile; a friend request from Russell.  He was my high school boyfriend’s younger brother’s friend.  He knew my mom and spoke fondly of her in his message.  I was really gladdened to hear he turned his life around and has been living meaningfully overseas for the last 9 yrs.  One of the brothers lives a deeply Christian life in Europe, the other brother was ruined by drugs & alcohol.  Russell persevered through several rehabs to become a registered nurse, then a pilot, finally settling in Mali, Africa, and having an amazing take on life.  I’ve enjoyed the few e-conversations we’ve had.  It’s so refreshing to see how a totally unconventional life is possible.  I hope the kids have opportunities to explore beyond our Western boundaries.

Well, I better get back to my boundaries…

If you can, please come by SCHS 11/19.  If you can’t give blood, just leave Jeanne a message in her guest book. “A friend you haven’t met yet is sending you positive energy” is a powerful message of love. 

Perpetuate Love,

Ruthe

I guess it’s a good sign I haven’t taken the time to write for a while.  It’s usually some emotional extreme that sends me here.  Been on a more even keel lately.  Not to say there haven’t been highs & lows, just maybe not so wrenching or soaring.  Plus, summer/back to school busy-ness.

9/2 I didn’t tell Gavin his nearest & dearests were coming over for song & cake so his smile got wider & wider as everyone showed up to make the evening special.  All his backpacking comrades called in, too, with Fred making an appearance.  His gift to Gavin, dirt bike goggles, sent the message there is more fun to come! 

I received a gift one morning as I was puttering around out front.  A dog walker crossed over and introduced himself as the father of one of Jeff’s former students.  He wanted to tell me that his son had recently changed his college major to math in hopes of becoming a teacher because of Jeff’s example.  He said he wanted to make a difference like Mr Spear did.  Wow, was my day made.

Unremarkable days have come & gone, but I consider each a success on some level for having gotten through them relatively intact.  Trying to establish new routines & structure for the fall as Gavin & Torrey started tennis & Kylee began piano.  Each is very happy with their new activity.  I feel a little relief with Torrey & Gavin in an official sport now.  There’s that pressure to participate and I just haven’t had the gusto to go the soccer route.  I’m all too aware they’re missing out on experiences they would otherwise have with a dad around, but I can’t make myself any crazier trying to do it all. 

It’s a joy to hear Kylee on the piano attempting to get her fingers to do what she wants.  Gavin is also thrilled with the trumpet he inherited from cousin Katie, for 5^th grade music.  He loves that he can make so much noise, and I find it hilarious.  Ask me in a month if it’s still so funny!

It wasn’t so funny last week when I went looking for my road bike shoes so I could ride to pick up my car being serviced, and realized my bike gear bag that was next to my stolen golf clubs was also missing.  It pisses me off because my loved shoes were probably carelessly tossed.  I ended up riding Jeff’s mountain bike.  It was a beautiful ride and more of a workout.  Now this is funny, (to me at least)  - Earlier in the week I squeezed in a little bit of much needed exercise by leaving my car at Lobo after dropping kids and running up the hill home.  I got on my mtn bike to ride back down to my car and idly wondered why I had been riding Jeff’s mtn bike instead of mine.  Flying down the hill I remembered it was because my back brake didn’t work!!!  Made it safely and then took my bike to John’s shop for a tune up!

Now that Torrey is riding her bike fiendishly she’s rabid to ride Aliso Woods.  She’s heard so much about this magical place.  First she needs a bigger bike, though!  As the weather cools that will be our next outing.

Knowing Sunday was going to be a cooker I had a surprise planned.  Heidi gave us Legoland tickets and the kids have been wanting to go to the water park there all summer.  I loaded them all up for the “beach” and when they noticed I missed the exit I said, “Woops, We’ll just have to go to LEGOLAND WATER PARK instead!!!”  It was a good day, and a good to be wet most of the day!

Not having such a good day last week I heard a Muse song that captured what I required to articulate.  “Love is my resistance.”   So, I defend against impatience with love, I defy fear with love, I oppose the negative pressures of life with love.

With Love,

Ruthe

“ It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons.”    Friedrich von Schiller

Gavin felt the fatherly love of some very good men this week.  Six of Jeff’s closest friends came together to give Gavin a huge Sierra backpacking experience, and by this, demonstrated their commitment to growing him into the man he is to become.

It’s been a while since I’ve written in tears, but tonight these are tears of happiness.   I just got off the phone with Craig, one of the hikers, and couldn’t be more proud to hear how well Gavin did throughout the trip.  Seeing in Gavin his sense of accomplishment, hearing his tone of voice that conveyed his pure stoke of the experience, I am so deeply indebted to the fine men that made this possible.  

Fred started the ball rolling, Devo picked it up & ran, Mel went “all in”, Chip was wavering until he learned it was all about getting Gavin into the back country, Craig pulled it off at the last minute, & Christopher – Fred’s son, signed up for his first backpacking trip.

They left Wed night, hiked in Thurs morning.   Chip had to return to work Sat so he called me Friday when he got home to tell me things were going well on the trail!  I was relieved to hear, being a bit unsettled with Gavin out of my protective influence, beyond the reach of a cell phone, no less!  As of Friday, he had caught 11 fish, and they were on their way over the Kersarge Pass, 12,760 ft elevation, to fish even deeper in the Sierra’s.  When Fred returned him safe & sound late Sat night he was a “better boy,” seasoned with blisters and the triumph of having gone through the suffering to appreciate the rewards on the other side.  Backpacking isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, so I selfishly was gratified to see how much he enjoyed the totality of the experience, since it’s something I love to do, too!

I sniffled through the pictures Devo & Mel posted until I saw the one with Chip pointing skyward, wearing his red Treat It & Beat It wristband, and completely lost it.  It was as if the best of Jeff was with Gavin, in each of the guys on the trip.  By what I heard from each of them, it was a meaningful experience for them, too.  Hopefully an inaugural experience that will be repeated annually!!!

No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy.  ~Knights of Pythagoras

Gavin’s 11^th birthday is 9/2, but today I took Nicky, Alec, Christian & Carter, along with the girls, to Wild Rivers for his birthday “party.”  A fun time was had by all, but I’m ready for a good night’s sleep now!

I’ve been a little rough around the edges since our garage was burglarized last week.  In a moment of inattention I left the garage door open all night so someone came in and took my wallet, & the iPod Jeff was given by a dear friend during his hospitalization.  (Later in the week, while looking for the sand toys in the cupboard I noticed my golf clubs were missing, too!).  By the time I noticed the missing wallet Tuesday morning there were already over $5,000 in on-line charges on my credit cards.  From Best Buy I learned the “ship to” address is over in Whispering Winds Appts.  I had to file a police report so the authorities can obtain the apartment number from the purchase orders.  Not sure what they do to follow up, or what I’ll do with that info, but I sure would like to get my iPod & clubs back!  Yes, they can be replaced but the iPod had great sentimental value.  At least all our nice road & mtn bikes were locked up from when we went on vacation to Marble Mountain!  And someone found my wallet on the street with only the credit cards, the kids health cards, and my driver’s license in it!  Unsettling, and a piss off, too!  I soothed myself with some lap swimming.

Otherwise, the usual eeking out of every last opportunity for enjoyment of remaining summertime, now that the weather is seasonally appropriate!  Been loving the Sunday Farmer’s Market and trying new recipes with fresh fruits & veggies.  I think it’s a sign of mending that I have the energy & desire to plan & prepare meals.  Now, if only I could get the kids to eat my Gremolata, or Pistachio Mango Coconut Rice, or Coconut Milk (left over from the rice dish) Ginger Sweet Potatoes!   I should give recognition to Bethe for the stack of inspiring Cooking Network mags she brought over, and some of the blame when I next step on the scale!

I better get tucked in to be prepared for big day @ work tomorrow.  A really fun weekend to look forward to, with Bethany coming down for a Trail 3 excursion, and a BBQ @ Nathalie’s, with Donna making a special quest appearance, lucky us!!!! 

So much more to share, but really gotta’ get to that desperately needed beauty rest!!!!

Smiling Heart,

Ruthe

Friendship exists outside our modern economy of scarcity... It's not about apportioning vanishing resources of time and energy. Friendship is a blessed relic of the ancient economy of the gift, and the time freely given to people dear to you actually creates magical abundance. ( Victor Hugo )

This belief fits our experiences in the last few weeks.  I’m thinking first of the friends that came together at Relay for Life.   Team In-SPEAR-ation & the Relay itself suffered from the absence of the Hurly family.  It was so hard for them to not be there, too, but there’s no denying excruciating pain.  The week before the Relay  Mike was hospitalized with a fragmented disk in his back.  No Master of Ceremony duties for him.  Dana was our team captain so Beth & Cathy rallied to fill her shoes.  Roger created the most amazing cardboard box Woody for our team vehicle and we had a fun, if rushed, painting party at our house.  I totally dug the camaraderie of the activity and it came out absolutely adorable. 

Saturday morning everyone showed up to decorate our booth and get the dunk tank up & running.  We were happy it got warmer than it had been lately so kids paid to get dunked!  We also raised funds with a painting Rick Delanty donated.  Lots of people came by for a chance to win it. 

The visits by students were the highlights for me.  Alex stopped in to talk about what an example Jeff was for him on how to lead a happy life and what was important in life; family.  He said he wasn’t a good math student but Mr Spear always encouraged him to do his best and that motivated him to try harder until he finally got an A on a test.  Another student, Danielle, stood in front of Jeff’s picture, with tears in her eyes, remembering him.  When she tried to apologize for crying I reminded her that tears are a measure of our love. 

Friends came down to walk a lap or 2 in support, and to be a part of the positive energy.  Even Kris made a detour in her busy day with an out of town guest .  I loved that the Lee’s hung out for the duration, too.  Gavin showed up late Sat in time to do the “race” in the woody with Dave.  Very cute!  He was still painted from Comic Con.

We didn’t stay for the luminaria ceremony.  Kids & I were whipped.  Last year it was hugely emotional  & I just didn’t feel like I had it in me to go through again.

Everyone took lots of pictures and kept texting them to Hurly throughout the day.

So that weekend was filled with the abundance of time freely given by those near & dear.  Thank you to all who made it another successful and meaningful event!!!

Another instance of dear, but not so near, was Jeanne’s visit.  We met through SC Montessori and she was a pillar during those rough years.  It was a sad day when she & her family moved to Florida last year.  I threw together a little mini reunion at the pool with the other Montessori families that were in town.  On one hand it was relaxing catching up while the kids swam, there was also an undercurrent of deep concern & shocked disbelief threatening our calm as were brought up to speed on Jeanne’s health condition.  She’s been trying to identify what various symptoms meant for a few years now and received the news a couple of weeks back she has a rare form of leukemia.  I was devastated, and pissed as all get out, to learn our precious Jeanne was so sick.  Right now she’s getting treatment for the symptoms and will begin chemo upon her return, with the possibility of a bone marrow transplant.  It borders on incomprehensibility.  It’s driving the rest of us moms crazy that she will be so far away that we won’t be able to offer our support in all the usual ways!  

After the pool she & the kids came over to hang out for the evening.  The Lee’s were coming over for dinner, (we hadn’t seen them since their return from Hawaii), & I wanted more time with Jeanne.   Before the Lee’s arrived, the highlight of the day for me was the kids “vegging” in front of the TV while Jeanne sat in the massage chair and I played a few songs on the piano for her.  I just wanted to do something to soothe her, knowing how much stress she’s under.  It was a quiet time that I think she cherished, too.

Troubled the last few weeks by yet another loved one handling misfortune the following passage I came across in a story struck a chord with me.  “…It occurred to him that life, which he’d treated as a pastime, and which he’d thought he could yet outdistance, had finally caught up with him.  And he discovered, much as he’d suspected, that once life caught up with you, you could never quite shake it again.  It endeavored to hobble you with greater and greater frequency.  How you managed to remain upright became your style, who you were.”

Then I had to look up the definition of style - A quality of imagination and individuality expressed in one's actions and tastes.  It got me thinking about our family “lifestyle;” how we are creating & living our lives with me in the director’s chair.  There have been some instances lately that have brought me great joy and reward.  An example:  Torrey wanted to sleep downstairs.  Sure, why not.  So as I’m walking her down the stairs I remember I had planned to watch a few episodes of a show I had DVR’d.  I offered her the option of sleeping with me instead of downstairs so I could watch my shows.  When I saw her drop her head and shoulders in nonverbal disappointment I immediately told her I would go with my original approval, that I could watch TV any time.  She stopped me and said, “Mom, I want you to veg out  (our family expression for watching TV) without us going ‘mom, mom, mom,’ and I’ll sleep upstairs.”  Of course I started crying at this generous expression of empathy.  I put her hand to my face and told her she had caused these tears of joy by showing me she cared more about someone else then her own desires.  This is a big developmental step for Torrey.  From Kylee I would almost expect it because she is constantly thinking of others.  But for Torrey, I took it as a sign that she’s opening her heart.  I can’t take all the credit, because she has seen many examples from our fine friends of bigheartedness, but I guess I was just so touched that it’s sinking in.

Anyway, along the lines of not only remaining upright in the face of destabilizing news, but seizing the day, I put the word out for an epic beach day gathering.  Gavin’s friends have such cool mom’s and our neighborhood is a hotbed of fun people, and many were available to make it a memorable day.  Between the Frey’s, Chin’s, McClure’s, Bell’s, Giacabellos, Krufal’s , Stark’s, and a few of their friends, there were probably over 10 families represented, with well over 20 kids!  It was a glorious day at Calafia.  Sun out, WARM water, perfect sized waves.  I couldn’t wait to get the girls settled into their fun zone so I could join Gavin boogie-ing.  He actually stayed out for 3 straight hours!  Then the girls grabbed boogie boards and had what I would call their first real day of riding little waves right up on to the sand again and again and again.  I was in heaven watching their happy little energy.  Kylee wore a spring suit, and Torrey wore Gavin’s old full suit. Cute, cute, cute!  I even brought down the Energizer raft.  It has a storied past, with pictures documenting it’s life as a little wading pool for Katie when she was 3 or 4 (15 or 16 years ago), to my brother from Michigan, George, floating in it at the pier holding 2 Coors Lights, to many fun times at the beach with Jeff & me.  Looking through the garage rafters for backpacking stuff for Gavin I came across the raft and thought, why not?  It was a huge hit with all the kids.

Among all the many highlights of the day was looking up and seeing Hurly on the beach!  I had told him we would be there, but never thought he would make an appearance.  He’s barely ambulatory, and his dr advised him that very morning not to walk on the sand.  He needed to get out and I couldn’t be happier that he chose to join us for a few minutes.

Oh gosh, it’s getting so dang late, and I’m exhausted, (2 long sessions in the water fueled by an iced coffee pre-beach), but there’s yet another illustration of the blessedness of friendship.  Last week I got a call from Lynn to come over with some salmon for the grill so we booked Monday night.  (Not sure what I was thinking – Mondays are rough).  After a long day at work, a quick trip into the grocery store, picked up girls at Early Explorations and Gavin from Carter’s. Rick & Lynn show up.  It turned out to be such a nice evening.  Dinner was delish, the kids were in good spirits considering Mondays are a long day for them after a busy weekend, (Sat Michael’s b-day party - a blast, BBQ @ Bill’s with Fred & Jaime, Duke & Karen, & Sunday Jeanne’s visit).  Rick brought over some paper and drew pictures for the girls to color.  Gavin showed him his much loved Halo action figure and Rick rendered it so uniquely I will end up framing it! 

When we returned from the beach today there was a wrapped box containing cards of Rick’s artwork.  Thoughtfulness in the extreme.  They knew how much I loved and rationed the cards I had to only those that would appreciate their beauty.

So, in all the time given & received freely to those dear, a life of magical abundance thrives.

Ruthe

Taking just a moment to share how amazing the Relay for Lafe event was this weekend.  Here are a few links to coverage & pics. 

Summer Vacation 7/12-7/19/10.  Just the right ratio of adventure to relaxation, excitement to respite. 

Kicked off inauspiciously with a 4 hr delay @ LAX.  Once we got over the frustration of not being able to do anything about it and put some lunch in us we hunkered down for the wait.  Quick flight to Medford Or, arrived around 5, picked up for 2 ½ hr drive into Nor Cal Klamath Mountains wilderness.  Extremely scenic drive out to the remote Marble Mountain Ranch.   Our homey cabin was a welcome place to rest our heads after busy days, and was conveniently located at the end of “cabin row”, next to the zip line and below the ranch pond.  The rest of the week flew by, filled with non-stop activities.  After delightfully delicious breakfasts the mornings were spent on arena riding lessons, trail rides, paddling around or swimming in the pond, & shooting at the range above the ranch.  Lunches were followed by white water rafting. 

Tuesday’s stretch of the Klamath was a little too exciting for Kylee.  After a ½ hr drive on a winding road her tummy was already touchy so she didn’t appreciate the rollercoaster effect of the rapids!  At one point on the river there was a particularly tricky section where we opted to disembark and hike down below the stretch of rough water.  We had the perfect view looking up at the rapid to see one of our paddling boats tip over and dump the crew into the river.  Everyone was pulled out quickly, no problem, but I was happy I had decided to skip that section.

Wed’s rafting was much tamer, with lots of time to float in the river alongside the raft.  Saw a bald eagle.  A stop to shore where a creek flowed into the river gave everyone time to build a dam.  It was hot but it made the water that much more inviting!

Thursday morning I was able to fit in a massage Bethe had booked for me as a surprise.  What a sweet thing to do, and boy did I need it!  The kids were occupied so I could completely relax.  The sound of the sprinkler water hitting the leaves in the lush garden outside the window was like a lovely melody.  After lunch we packed up for an expedition to Fish Lake, a high alpine lake ringed with huge water lilies.  While Gavin fished with his new buddies, the girls & I went on to the lake, accompanied by their new best friend, 14 yr old Alexandra.  Once we finished trying to catch fish I jumped into the lake for a swim.  Torrey was quick to follow me.  Alex resisted my efforts to coax her in, saying she would do it when she was older.  I told her there was no guarantee on that getting older option, and now was the time to go for it.  Once she jumped in Kylee couldn’t miss out on the fun.  It was glorious floating on my back, looking up into the bluest sky, miles & miles from anywhere.  It reminded me of a sierra hike I took with Jeff where we were on the side of a mountain looking across peaks to the horizon and I felt my soul able to stretch out over the distance, unimpeded.  It was the same feeling at Fish Lake, that vastness open to accepting; a feeling of expansiveness.

After our swim I took the girls & Alex for a hike around the lake.  It was spectacularly beautiful, and smelled so good, too!  Creeks ran down the sides of the forest to join the lake, giving us occasion to pause and take in the sights & sounds surrounding us.  Back at camp we enjoyed dinner, and guitar playing provided by one of the owner’s sons.  Nights back at the ranch after dinner were camp fires with fiddle and guitar playing.  Next to the big fire pit there was an open barn room filled with pool table, ping pong, and air hockey to keep kids engaged.  Another big hit with the kids were the young farm animals.  Two sets of kittens, and a baby goat drew the kids back time & again.

First thing Friday morning, while the girls were riding in the arena and Gavin was shooting, I took a more advanced trail ride that ended up a little too exciting for me.  One of the horses behind me balked at crossing a creek and tossed their rider.  The co-owner, Heidi, leading our ride, dismounted and handed her reins to me while she went back to check.  I was a little nervous being responsible for another horse in addition to my own and hoped it would behave until she returned.  I couldn’t see back around the bend but could hear what was going on and was startled when one of the horses kicked Heidi in the leg.  This tough, seasoned, woman was injured seriously enough to say someone needed to go get help.  I was trying not to freak out hearing her in pain while thinking I could ride for help if necessary, when she pulled herself together, limped up to her horse and somehow mounted it for the short ride back.  It was scary & I was really worried about the extent of her injury.  Although her leg, from knee to hip, was severely bruised, it wasn’t broken. 

The rafting that afternoon was more challenging so Gavin went while I opted to stay with the girls.  We hung at the pool where they had a great time playing with the owner’s granddaughters, 3 & 6, while I decompressed in the shade.  It was nice to take a break from the non-stop action! 

Friday night I was eating dinner outside on the porch when I heard a mewling sound.  I thought it was Gavin trying to trick me again, (he had already lured my sunglasses away from me on the river so he could push me in), but it turned out to be a 3 wk old orphan kitten.  Gavin went under the porch to rescue it and the rest of the evening was spent holding it.  I was happy to see it survived the night and went home with one of the guests to be taken to a shelter in Yreka.

Saturday after a fun swim & lunch we were driven back to civilization by the ranch owner, Doug.  It was so relaxing to sit in the back with a precious little girl snoozing on each side of me while I soaked in the scenery and chatted with Doug.  At one point I heard Gavin in the front seat say something about how long the antennas were and looked over to see a HUGE bug on his hand.  Doug calmly pulled over and, after sending it out the window, commended Gavin for not freaking out.

We met up with Joe, my friend of 30 some years, in Ashland.  He drove us up to the house he has been building for the last 15 or so years.  The kids & I were blown away by the beautiful structures.  Joe had turned me on to all the facets of the Arts & Crafts movement, including bungalow architecture, when I worked at his shop in Laguna Canyon.  He took me to tour the Greene & Greene Gamble House in Pasadena and I have been an admirer of all things artistic from that era ever since.  It was unexpectedly emotional for me to see the home & office/shop he had built in the bungalow style with all the attention to detail in the finish work.  He & his wife Jo Jo filled their home with their collections of Plein Aire art, pottery, art glass, & Stickley furniture.  It was so homey, we settled right in and soaked up the gorgeous view over the Ashland Valley. 

Sunday, after a hike around Joe’s property, we toured the town and spent a good part of the day in the lovely Lithia Park, a downtown oasis.  It was designed by the same person who did Golden Gate park.  Right when we got out of the car there was a big dear sitting in the shade; an “urban” dear, as Joe called it.  The kids thought that was hilarious!  Lithia park offered a great playground with a climbing structure I called the spider web, a rock climbing area, hiking trails, 2 duck ponds, a fountain, lush lawns among the botanical gardens, diverse varieties & groves of trees with their species noted on plaques, a creek running through it with numerous crossings.  We walked the length of the park, leisurely exploring each new area.

After lunch in a cool little café right outside the park, we drove 15 minutes to Immigrant Lake where there was a water slide and lake swimming below a huge green grassy area with lots of shade.  The playground area had another one of those “spiderweb” climbing structures.  Needless to say the kids had a ball.

Monday morning we hung for a bit at Lithia park again.  Coincidently we ran into Cierra, the ranch owners 19 yr old daughter.  She was in town picking up the weeks guests like she did for us!

Joe dropped us at the airport for an uneventful flight home.  Flying into the concrete jungle of LA from the natural beauty of where we had been made me want to preserve the good feelings I had in a sheltered place inside, untouchable by the deadness of city density.

Kids were happy to be home.  I wish our vacation could have gone on endlessly!  Did I mention how delicious the ranch cooking was?  Wholesome, fresh, and I didn’t have to shop, cook, or clean up after!  As I stocked up at Trader Joe’s I mentally began reviewing where we left off before vacation; projects, goals, etc.  I feel like we need a solid family meeting to reestablish structure/guidelines/expectations.

Relay for Life is this weekend.  Thursday Selma’s Pizza is donating 20% of their proceeds if someone brings in the Team In-SPEAR-ation flyer.  Come early as I think we’re going to have a decent showing.  We’ll be there around 5:30 with a stack of flyers.  On Sat after the opening ceremony, Hurly is the Master of Ceremony, we will have our dunk tank up and running with Mr Duarte, Mr Lovett, Mr Proodian, & Hurly taking turns getting the splash!  Rick Delanty has generously donated a piece of his work for the raffle so stop by our team’s booth and enter to win it.  We’re putting the finishing touches on a “Woody,” our team’s entrant into the “vehicle race” lap around the track.  Not sure what time that will be but it should be pretty funny.  We also had a talented student create our license plate.  One of the things Team’s could do was submit a personalized license plate that would express how someone felt getting a ride to cancer treatment, or how someone felt giving a ride to treatment.  Not sure what the final decision was, but our ideas were, “ULIFTME” & “ILIFTU.”  I can tell you how important & supportive it was for our family for our friends to give Jeff rides to & from his treatments while I worked or stayed with the kids. If I had a “do over” I would go with him instead.  Live & learn.

Anyway, back to the Relay.  Would love to see you there some time this weekend.  I’ll be around pretty much all day Sat & Sunday.  I think I’m speaking at the opening ceremony, but it will be quick, I promise.  Last year it was great to spend time with friends walking around the track, hanging out at the dunk tank or booth talking to everyone.  A common connection, our community supporting a great cause; Remember, Celebrate, Fight Back.  Honoring Jeff.

Oh Gee, it’s 10:30 already, I gotta’ hit it…

Love,

Ruthe

I found it!!!  I found it!!!!!  Actually, I think Bethany led me to it!  I have been looking everywhere, physically & on line, for a poem I cut from the back of a Surfer tide chart calendar circa early 80’s or so when I first started surfing, (and first met Jeff).  It was my mantra and I pinned it to every wall as I moved from home, to college, to apartments, etc, but lost track of it a few years back, and have really missed it.

This evening a recommendation from Bethany sent me in search of info on line where I came across a new book, Experience Your Good Now, about the power of positive affirmations.  (I want to turn the book title into a bumper sticker!).  It got me thinking about a Shakti Gawain Creative Visualization seminar I attended @ Saddleback around the same early 80’s.  From the seminar I devoted a notebook to affirmations, and goals to pursue.  Thinking it would be entertaining to check back on myself I located the notebook, and lo & behold, I had copied the poem on one of the pages, (it was there among other stuff about the surfing life I was devoted to at the time.)  It was like reuniting with a beloved long lost friend!  I feel more whole with it back in my life, complete.

Wondrous ocean I feel your flow

You are the heartbeat of my soul

I come to you most everyday

To be renewed,

Though I just play.

Each time I find amazingly

Something new and that’s your way.

How can you be so fair

When I bring you my deepest care

And you hold me close

In your strong soft arms

And tell me the secrets that are there

So when I ask you what to do

You take me deep inside of you

To see the awesome power there

I find my strength and shine anew.

What a nice way to end the weekend!  I’m still recovering from the shock of realizing what would have been our 13^th wedding anniversary passed without me marking it.  Earlier this week when Gavin asked if it was really summer or still Spring I told him the Solstice was Monday, and he said Happy Anniversary.  I was simply stunned.  I think Father’s Day was more on my mind.  An email went out that 4^th graders could invite their dad’s, grandfather’s, or whoever, to an hour of sports on Friday 18^th.  I called Fred and he rose to the occasion.  I couldn’t love him more for it, either!  So when Gavin came home from school to tell me he needed someone for the Father’s Day event it felt good to tell him I had it covered but let it be a surprise to see who it was.  I know it made him feel good when Fred showed up.

The 18^th was also Unkie’s birthday.  Bethe was so buried with work demands that week I took it upon myself to make the celebration plans.  We had a great dinner at our house, with a new chicken recipe he loved even after he heard there was tarragon in it!  Traditional yellow cake & choc frosting with an all time best harmonic rendition of the birthday song was somehow very touching to me.  What is it said about certain harmonic vibrations reaching our heart chakras???

The kids were in a state of frenzy to have Unk open his presents.  Backstory:  Unk was a HUGE Star Trek fan, as well as a fan of The Next Generation.  (I still have a little thing for Captain Picard, myself!)  Anyway, the week before Unk’s birthday I attended a work function where the theme was Go Where No Grocery Store Has Gone Before.   As everyone arrived for the day of meetings there was a trivia contest with raffle tickets to win Star Trek stuff.  Our table cleaned up on the tickets & by default (no one else was interested in it), I cleaned up on perfect re-gifting stuff including a CD of Star Trek music.  The kicker was the center pieces for the dinner that evening were models of the Enterprise mounted artfully with flowers that looked like planets.  I’ve probably lost you by now, but let me tell you I was so excited to take one back to my room!!!!  (I was the only one excited by this, by the way!)  We enjoyed it on our table for the week leading up to Unk’s birthday and then put the theme to Start Trek on to present it to him.  He was suitable impressed!

Sunday, official Father’s Day, we packed it up to Trail 3, with the Frey family joining us.  A great day.  Didn’t really hit me till everyone was tucked in and I was alone, that we were alone, missing the best father ever.  I used to say I knew Jeff was an amazing person, but I didn’t know how amazing until we had kids and I got to experience a whole other level of his awesomeness. 

So Monday the 21^st rolled in with work demands & also focused on getting through the last week of school without missing anything on the busy schedule.  The video battery was even charged for the girls play on Tuesday!   For Mrs Payne’s class gift I put together a doggie gift basket for her poodle, Rufus.  For the card, I ended up cutting out a picture of dogs & cats from a pet food ad in a magazine I was reading the night before and saying it was from all her “Teacher’s Pets.”  Gratifyingly, Gavin got it.  She said she really loved the spiro-graph we got her.  A while back she had commented on a jacket I wore with designs that look like they were from a spiro-graph, so when I was picking up stuff for kids to do on the plane flight I came across the current version.  I had to perpetuate the joke!   

So, being in the now of the week somehow distracted me from the significance of the 21^st.  Looking back, I don’t know how I could have missed it, and it’s disturbing to me that I did, but I can’t do anything besides accept that I did and not put too much more into looking back.  In one way I’m sorta’ relieved it’s behind me.  I can’t settle my eyes and heart on the picture I have of us on our wedding day.  It’s still too painful, I have to look away or be swept away on that ever present undercurrent of sadness.

The first official day of summer kicked off with a park party in Alec’s neighborhood, complete with an inflatable obstacle course.  When all the kids were having races through it I challenged Gavin.  Half way through I lost my balance and leaned into the netting to catch me, like on our trampoline.  Well, the netting wasn’t really connected and I tumbled out on to the ground.  As I was falling in the slow motion way your brain works all I could think of was, “please don’t break anything 2 weeks before vacation!!!”

I was a little sore that evening where I landed on my wrist and back, but counting my lucky stars!

Also this week we were invited to 2 graduation parties.  I was racking my brain for appropriate gifts when the answer arrived via Oprah magazine’s summer reading list under the heading “Inspiring Minds”.  I stopped on the way home from work Wed and picked up the last 2 copies of “Words That Matter; A little book of Life Lessons.”   Everyday truths to inspire and guide, just my cup of tea!

“I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognizably wiser than oneself.”  Marlene Dietrich

Me to, Marlene!  Me, too!

Oh gosh, it’s getting so late already.  Pretty much caught up – today girls had b-day party @ Jumpin’ Jammin so Gavin & I rode Aliso Woods.  I fell over once and skinned my knee, again thinking “nothing better snap when I land”!  Then we all hit Nicky’s pool, and I got in a relaxing chat with Giao while the young ‘uns cavorted noisily.  The happy sounds of their glee going down the slide was the sweetest music!   For dinner we had the best leftovers from Anna’s party, and dessert was choc covered fruit from Kenzie’s party! 

I better pause here.  Busy work week, girls start Early Explorations.  Droppin’ it into over-drive for the summer. 

Vrrrmmmmm, 

Ruthe

The coolest thing happened at the SCHS Education Foundation Luau fundraiser Sat. night.  It was a special night already, starting with the sun breaking through June gloom on the breathtaking location with that classic late afternoon quality of light.  Overlooking SC pier, the bluff top property of Kathleen Sigafoos parents is delightful in its old school style; lovely tables set on a deep lawn graced with old cypress pines.  Every year this event is anticipated for its fun gathering of parents, community leaders, & teachers committed to supporting programs aimed at increasing the learning opportunities of students.  This year there was an added level of celebration with Kathleen receiving Teacher of the Year.

Personally, I was looking forward to this event for the chance to see friends, and talk to the parents of some of Jeff’s students.  Any time I can be with people who knew Jeff I feel closer to him.  It increases my sense of being moored.  If I can’t touch him, the next best thing is being “in touch with” those who loved him.  Enjoying dinner with the Hurly’s is always a treat, too.  Catching up with everyone, I learned Rod’s son, Michael, is getting married next weekend but didn’t have a honeymoon planned due to his military considerations.  Capping the evening of silent & professional live auction is a drawing for a week in a condo on Kauai.  It seemed fitting, & everyone was delighted, when Kathleen’s name was drawn.  As she accepted the prize she showed us all the nature of giving when she said something along the lines of how Kauai is the perfect place to have a honeymoon and then gave prize to Michael.  I looked around to see many besides myself wiping a tear away.  An uplifting, reaffirming night!

Another memorable evening was Senior Awards.  Although it’s a huge buzz to attend an event honoring the brightest, and to present Jeff’s legacy scholarship, recognizing the names of some of the high achievers hit home - these were his students, this was his school. I had a little meltdown in the car on the way home but wanted to transform the energy of sadness.  What better place to go then Facebook, where I found 2 of his students from the awards ceremony that I remember him talking about in glowing terms, who I met, & who sent him wonderful messages when he was sick – one, Lily, drew a bouquet of flowers for her card that I treasure  – I don’t know why it remains so special to me, but some things are like that.  Anyway, I sent them short congratulations & well wishes for the next phase of their lives and they both replied very sweetly.  Doehan’s message brought the biggest smile to my face with his cute humor on a day when I really needed a lift.  Thinking about the lives they have in front of them, their promise, the pursuit of their dreams, gives me a sense of hope & investment in the future.

We’re rushing headlong into our short term future, with all the end of year activities filling up the calendar and causing hyper-vigilance on my part to insure I don’t miss anything.  Less than a month till our summer vacation, too, so I’m pulling that together in increments.  Then there’s the Relay for Life on 7/24 I need to get in gear on!

I better pause here and tuck in – I need some good rest to fuel the next few weeks!!!

Ruthe