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If you are planning to get a puppy for yourself or your family (and it mustbe a family decision), please read on.
What follows are some ways to prepare for your squirming, mouthing, piddling, squealing, yapping, fragile bundle of ceaseless energy (and joy).
Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places, and walkaround barefoot or wearing socks in the dark. Step in cold places over and over, swearing profusely. Then get out the brush and cleaning fluid.Commence scrubbing. Sometimes the stains will lift; sometimes not. Make sure you're okay with this.
Wear socks that are shredded in many places, particularly missing toes and heels. No elastic allowed. Do this many days in a row, and make sure that, too, is okay. Rip and or run the calves of every pair of tights owned, but don't realize this until you put them on, or don't have it happen until you are walking out the door, ten minutes late for something.
Slightly slice fingers and hands (especially knuckles) in many places with razorblades, and stick sides of hands and fingertips repeatedly with sharp needles. Repeat with feet and toes, especially heels. Make sure you can tolerate the feeling and the sore, red wounds you'll carry with you for days.
Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying,"Be a good puppy; make good girl! Hurry up! Come on, let's go!" Dance in same place while the wind blows up your bare legs, under your nightshirt.
Cover all your best suits and sweaters with dog hair. Dark suits/sweaters must use white hair, and light suits/sweaters must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee or tea in the morning. Try to remove it before swallowing.
Play "catch" with a soggy, slimy tennis ball dumped in your lap.
Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
Wring urine-soaked rag (from previous clean-ups) over clothes instrategic places for full effect.
Leave underwear on the living room floor, especially when you have company. Make sure to shred holes in it first.
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite program, and run to the door shouting, "No, no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program. This will happen while you are talking on the telephone,too.
Smear chocolate syrup all over on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening. This won't give you the proper odor effect, but you'll get the idea of texture and staining sort of.
Pull every roll of toilet paper from its roller, and string them all over the house like a confetti party.
Knock over every bin in the house, and shred contents all over every spare space on the floor. Do the same with every plant, making sure the dirt is equally distributed and ground in all carpets. Especially whiteones.
Obtain a puppy paw print stamp, dip in mud, and place prints over much of the floor space also on sliding glass doors along with slimy nose prints and dried saliva dribbles.
Chip and gouge the legs of most tables and chairs several times withan ice pick or something equally sharp and effective. Whatever best resembles chew marks will do.
Get a recording of little yapping/whining noises. Put tape player in a crate, and keep it going all night long. At least for a few nights. If you can't take it, bring a few eggs to bed, and try sleeping next to them without crushing them.
Set out your best or most expensive or favorite pairs of shoes,slippers, gloves and/or purses. Offer them now as a sacrifice to the puppy gods. Because the puppy will get them, at least one of the shoes or gloves from each pair rendering them useless and at least the straps or the edges of the purses.
Get out the mop and the rags and the cleaning supplies. You will need them for quite some time. Purchase a supply of air freshener. That,too, will be needed for awhile.
Hire a massage therapist for bent backs from scrubbing stains,mopping floors, and bending down to squeeze into impossible places to rescue and retrieve puppy from the latest hiding place where he gets stuck.
Get in shape for running and fast walking. These babies can go, and they like to go (and need to go) out often. They'll leave you in the dust if you're not up to following.
Spend whatever time is necessary removing all dangerous cords from the puppy's reach. Puppies cannot resist them, and they can get electrocuted if they bite a live wire just in the right place. If that doesn't happen,they can get crushed pulling heavy objects down on themselves. And if that doesn't happen, they can do some major damage to your favorite appliances.Sometimes all of the above.......
One final bit of advice (and this is a nice one, folks): Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer, and immediately wrap it around your shoulders. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap, when you hold and cuddle and nuzzle and get kisses from her. There is nothing in the world like puppy breath and puppy love.
Those who know it are truly blessed. Best of all, these precious critters if they are loved and treated with kindness and respect will become the most loyal and devoted companions and friends you have ever known when they reach maturity. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. Once you hold the heart of a dog and he holds yours you have it all. But you've got to give to receive it. Love and be loved. Trust and be trusted, and all that goes with it. It's an enormous undertaking, but the rewards are unparalleled. These babies love you in spite of yourself, but they deserve the best you'vegot, so you have to work at it. It's a bonafide relationship one of themost important you will ever have. Your dog will never willingly leave you.He will always love you, always want you, always need you no matter how you look or how you smell. He will lie right beside you no matter how sick you are. You owe him the same. For life.