The Gift
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Senior Citizens
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Memory's Going
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
The Bus Driver
One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."
The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."
She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
Old Peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts!
"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Theatre Guest
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
Hearing Problem
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Thirteen
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
The Farmers
A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"
The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"
The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Detergent
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
The Cowboy
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."
Crying Husband
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Two Scotsmen
Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."
"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."
Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"
Divorce Joke
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
The Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Wrong Answer
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.
The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the BrooklynBridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Lateral Thinking
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.
"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
The Genie
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."
The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
The Drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Not So Tough
A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"
New Office
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."