Have a smile - often

Marilyn Monroe:  Men prefer blonds because blonds know what the preferences of men are!

Jules Renard:  To write is like to talk, just without being interrupted

Tim Dedopulos:  The difference between a woman and a volcano is that a volcano never simulates its eruptions!

Joan Rivers:  A woman's only possibility to get a real orgasm is to go shopping!

Bob Hope: You have got really old, when the candles for your birthday cake are more expensive than the cake!

Groucho Marx:  When I came back to my hotel last night a wonderful "blonde" was lying in my bed. I gave her 24 hours to disappear!

Sandy Toksvig:  There are two stages, if you are sea sick:  First you are afraid of dying. And then you are afraid of NOT dying!

Erma Bombeck:  Never visit a doctor who lets his or her green plants die!

Patrick Timsit:  To die is good for the poor. It's the only time they try to drive in a Mercedes with a driver in front!

Groucho Marx:  I have has a lovely evening. But it wasn't tonight!

Vincent Roca:  I prefer a real believer to a false sceptics!

Coluche ( French comedian): Gos has given the food to the rich people and the appetite to the poor!

Sacha Guitry:  I sometimes do stupid things just to have the pleasure of telling about them!

Garry Shandling:  I once made love for 1 hour and 5 minutes. It was at the moment we shanged to summer time!

Robert Benchley:  It has taken me 15 years to find out that I have no talent for writing. But it's too late now, because I am already famous!

George Burns:  Actually, I can get drunks by drinking just one glass. I just don't know, if it is the 13th or the 14th!

What would you do, if you were in my shoes?  Clean them!

If you play a video about a house on fire backwards the  men in the fire brigade do not play a positive role !

'Sorry that I can't take part in your reception.  My bad excuse follows by letter!

The week has seven days:  Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday, and preMonday!

There are two sorts of people who try to avoid paying taxes:  MEN and WOMEN !

The scared tourist asks: Are there any bats in this cave?  The guide replis: Yes, there were earlier. But the snakes have eaten them!